How Santa Came to Be
December 20, 2005
It was a cold dark winter in the year 1492. In Spain, Lord Galen had just bitch-slapped the Queen and told her to give him some fucking boats to go sail around the world. The Queen, you see, kept arguing with Lord Galen that the world was flat. Galen told her that only her chest was flat and to give him a boat and he'd prove it! She said ok after having Galen's dick in her ass for 249 consecutive hours of thrusting, plus that good hearty bitch-slap that was already mentioned.
Sadly, Galen was called away at the last minute. He'd heard there was some tight-wad up north making kids throw their fucking toys in a big fire and he'd made a law that no more toys were allowed anywhere. Seeing that kids were being fucked over by some asshole tyrant of a dictator, Galen decided he'd let somebody else handle the trip to India. He put everything in the hands of a homeless retard named.... I dunno, Columbus or something.... and he left for the little known kingdom of Suxuvania in northern Germany.
Once in Suxuvania, Galen discovered that it was worse than he had feared. The children where there in the streets sweeping and shoveling snow. When Lord Galen asked just what the fuck they were doing, they said that King Düshbahg had ordered that all children should be worked until they drop with no fun ever! Well that was just fucking IT!
Galen marched right into the royal chambers and was immediately confronted by the King's gaurds. He ripped off his shirt and dropped his pants, which immediately made all the gaurds die from sheer envy.
But then, out of nowhere came the King. He whipped out his royal MP3 player (how the fuck did that get into 1492?) and showed that he knew Galen's one and only weakness.... boy bands!
"Bye, bye, bye!"
Galen screamed in agony and ran away holding his bleeding ears. He had to get to somewhere quick so he could get medical attention. It was pretty bad... just those few seconds he'd heard had caused the song to get stuck in his head and it was slowly eating his brain away (like boy band shit does to everyone's brain). In the distance now, he could hear "I waaant it thaaaaaat way...." The King was chasing him down!
Luckily, Galen spotted a dragon. He jumped on the dragon's back and flew away (because the dragon fucking knew better than to disobey an already pissed off Lord Galen).
Galen remembered that there was a hidden elf village near here. He'd taken an abandoned baby boy there about 20 years before. Actually, the boy hadn't been abandoned. Galen had killed his parents for being fucking crack whores and leaving the poor kid sitting in his shitty diaper for 2 weeks at a time. Anyway, Galen figured the elves could surely fix him up. The hot little elf women had always done a great job making him feel good before!
It took about half an hour, but finally Galen sensed the presence of hot elf chicks and knew he'd arrived. The dragon descended on his command and landed in the town square. As Galen slipped out of consciousness due to the loss of blood from his ears and the brain damage caused by
N'Sync The-Band-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, he heard the pitter-patter of little feet in the snow. He knew the he'd be alright now.
Weeks went by and Lord Galen finally recovered. He knew, however, that he could not go up against the King's evil music again. He would have to find someone who was immune to the wicked sorcery of boy bands... but who?
Then he remembered that the little crack baby -- Kris Kringle was his name -- was still here in the very village where he now lay (with a hot elf chick on either side of him). Surely a crack baby would've been immune to all but the most basic of emotional stimuli! Kringle would be perfect!
Galen set out in search of the young man and soon found him chopping firewood behind his elf-parents' home. He was s strapping lad, all muscled-up and rugged looking and shit. Galen had to wade through a throng of elf bitches who had gathered to watch the young stud work.
"Chris, my boy! You know who I am?" Lord Galen asked.
"Yeah... hehe... I heard you were here. You're the dude that killed my shitty parents and brought me here, right? You're Lord Galen."
"Damn right I am, son! Now I've come back to train you in the ways of godhood. I think that since I rescued you, I maybe have an obligation to help you be more than you could be on your own."
"Plus you want my help to defeat King Düshbahg." Kringle retorted, with a rosey little smirk that made Galen wanna slap his stupid ass, but the guy was right so Galen just laughed.
"See there? You've already got the gift of reading people. You're a natural for this shit!"
Kringle agreed to undergo training for godhood. He spent the next several months learning how to bend reality to his will, although he wasn't all that great at it, not like Galen.
"It takes a certain amount of badassness" Galen explained to Kris, "and you're just not badass enough to be a full-fledged god. You have learned much though, in your training. I think you're ready to kick the King's ass!"
"Say Galen.... who taught you all this shit?" Kringle asked him.
"Oh, I learned from THE God, you see. They left that part out of the book of Genesis, but after God seperated the dark and the light, he called the dark 'night' and the light 'day,' he seperated the badass awesomeness from the weakass lame fucktardedness. He called the badass awesomeness Lord Galen and he called the weakass lame fucktardedness Bill O'Reilly."
"Oh, I see.... but I thought you said you've been around since forever. If you were only made at the beginning of the world..."
"No no no... You're not thinking outside the box! A god can exist anywhere and anytime, you see. Just because I started at Genesis doesn't mean I could go back. Good thing I did too, or I wouldn't have been able to tell God about that little rebellion Satan had planned. I always hated that bitch Satan. Anyway, this little history lesson has nothing to do with your mission! Now, what do you think your first step should be... remember to think badass..."
Kringle thought for a moment and finally said, "Well, the badass thing to do would be to piss the King off first. Maybe by defying his no-toy order."
Lord Galen was very proud of his student. That was a great idea. So they got to work, with all the elves helping to make an assload of toys for the little kingdom of Suxuvania. In fact, Kringle went on a recon mission to find out the name of every single child in Suxuvania.
When he got back from his recon mission, Galen said, "I've got a present for you that should make this shit a little easier if you decide to keep this up." He presented Kris with a crystal ball that would allow him to see any child anywhere in Suxuvania. Since Kringle had bombed in all of his Omniscience lessons, Galen figured this big ass Omniscience Ball would be a big help.
Kringle decided that he would make his toy run on the night that everyone in Suxuvania was celebrating the birth of Jesus. On that night, all the grown-ups in the kingdom went to a big drunken festival at the King's palace and all the children were forced to stay home and be in bed by 8pm.
"With all the children home alone and no adults around to enforce the no-toy law, I can just sneak right in and leave the toys for the kids!" Kringle exclaimed, a little too fucking proud of himself for thinking that one up. Still, it was a good idea.
"Ok, but how are you going to get into the houses, Kris?" Galen asked, "All the doors will surely be locked and bolted with the children being home alone."
"Well, what about your dragon? Couldn't I borrow him to land on all the rooftops and go in through the chimney or something?"
"Kringle, you couldn't control a fucking dragon! What the fuck are you thinking?" Galen shouted. He stopped short of smacking Kris on the back of the head when he realized that the chimney part of that idea wasn't half bad. "Say... Just what kind of animals can you control?"
"Well, um, I've gotten reindeer to do some things they wouldn't normally do--"
"AHH! You sick fuck, I didn't want details!" This time Galen did clop him on the head. "Besides, reindeer can't fly. We need a big animal that can fly!"
"Well, couldn't I make them fly? Don't I have enough badassness to do that?" Kringle whined.
Galen figured that maybe he had enough badassness to make that happen, so off they went to round up a team of reindeer. They planned to attach the reindeer to an open-top sleigh, that way Kringle could pack all the toys in it and fly them onto the rooftops.
It wasn't long before teh Christ Festival had arrived in Suxuvania. The sleigh was packed up and the reindeer were so eager to be on their way that they had to be chained to the ground.
"One more thing before you go, Kringle." Galen said, "You never came up with a name."
"Yes. What, you think 'Lord Galen' is my real name? Fuck no. Every diety or semi-deity has to choose their 'name of power' to represent them to the outside world. It's time for you to think one up."
"Well... then I am... Saint Claws! That sounds badass!"
"Heh, yeah, I guess it kinda does..." If you're a lame ass, Galen thought. But whatever. It was his goofy name and if he liked it, that was all that mattered. Galen had to admit though, it probably would inspire fear in the heart of an asshat like King Düshbahg.
With his name chosen, Saint Claws hopped aboard his sleigh. The toys were strapped down behind him, the reindeer were ready to fly, and he was dressed warmly in a big red suit and hat that the elves had made for him. The chains were taken off the ground and the let loose.
St. Claws stood up in the sleigh and shouted for his reindeer friends to fucking go already! "On Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen! On Comet and Cupid and Donner and
Blitzen! Let's move this red tub of shit!"
With a jerk, the reindeer lurched forward and into the air, dragging the sleigh along behind them and putting Claws back in the seat on his ass. Galen was right behind him aboard his dragon (whom he'd affectionately named Puff.... but that's another story).
The journey to Suxuvania didn't take long. As they'd planned, it looked like all the adults in town were at the King's palace. Saint Claws and Galen got to work delivering toys. It was a hard night's work, but when the job was done and they flew away back to the elf village, they were both laughing their asses off imaging the pissed off look on 'ol Düshbahg's face in the morning. They had even managed to leave a shitload of toys for Princess Düshbahg, the King's only child. It was awesome, so they went home, got plastered and passed out.
A few days went by before Claws and Lord Galen recieved word that the King had indeed been VERY pissed off. He'd put out an APB for the man responsible. The two guys laughed even harder when they saw that the kids had gotten Kringle's god-name completely wrong. The APB was for a "Santa Claus" instead of Saint Claws.
But the rest of what they heard wasn't so funny. The King had doubled the workload of all the children and even begun killing one child every day at sunset until the "demon who calls himself Santa Claus" showed himself.
Galen turned 10 shades of fucking-pissed-off. "Kris! It's time to stop dicking around with this shit head! We're going in there tonight at sunset to save tonight's victim. It's time for a showdown. You get his MP3 player away and I'll handle it from there.
Half an hour before that, they set out. Kringle in his Sleigh with Galen alongside him on Puff's back. They were flying like bats out of hell and it only took 10 minutes to reach Suxuvania. From the air, they could see a poor crying child standing in the town square, a score of archers lined up ready to fire.
Kringle banked hard left into a barrel roll descending down toward the child. It looked like he wasn't going to make it, but just then an amazing thing happened... Galen noticed time slowing down. The archers released their bowstrings, but the arrows seemed to hang there, inching slowly foward as the little red sleigh now dropped like a hawk after its prey. Galen, still watching from high above, gave a little smirk. It looked like Claws had finally found his backbone (not to mention a godly ability to control the flow of time) when he was faced with a child whose life was in danger.
Donner and Blitzen grabbed the child's shirt in their teeth and rapidly pulled up, as Kringle jumped from the sleigh into the spot where the child had stood. Time resumed it's flow and the arrows came racing at him. The crowd who'd gathered around gasped in amazement as the arrows bounced harmlessly off his red suit.
The King stepped forward and, taking in Kringle's outfit, said "So you're the one they call Santa Claus, eh?"
"The name's--" Kringle seemed to consider for a moment and said, "Yes... Yes, I'm Santa Claus! And now I'm here to put a stop to your bullshit!"
"O RLY?" Düshbahg said (in netspeak, oddly enough) as he pulled out the golden MP3 player that had so crippled Lord Galen before.
Galen plugged his ears with some fragments of George W. Bush's skull (the thickest thing known to mankind) to protect himself. He couldn't hear the music, but he could tell by Santa's smirk that it had no effect on him, just as Galen had planned.
"YA RLY!" Santa screamed, as he lunged forward. Santa grabbed the MP3 player and shoved it so far up Düshbahg's ass that no one would ever hear it again.
Galen began his descent to finish off the King, but now saw that there was no need. Santa had things well in hand. He picked the king up and brought him down hard over one jolly kneed, breaking the King's back in two.
"ANYBODY ELSE WANNA FUCK WITH CLAUS!" he shouted.
And that was the end of old King Düshbahg's reign of terror.
With his new-found ability to slow down time, Santa Claus decided he'd do his gift giving thing for the whole damn world. He moved up to the North Pole where he'd have a little peace and quiet (until several centuries later when Superman moved into the neighborhood and started throwing loud parties every weekend). The elves went with him and set up a dedicated toy manufacturing plant there.
Galen still helps him out sometimes when he's feeling bored on a Chrismas Eve night or when Santa calls him crying on the phone because something fucked up at the toy shop. As far Santa, he became a big fatass and grew a bushy white beard (because he's a ZZ Top fan). He ended up marrying Princess Düshbahg after she grew up since she was ever-so-grateful to him for killing her abusive asshole father. Mr. and Mrs. Claus have lived happily ever after, and they have Lord Galen to thank for it!
So the next time you're feeling down on Christmas Eve, just remember, somewhere out there one of Galen's former Padawans is spreading happiness and joy to everyone.
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good fuck!
Back to the Misc. Page