How Galen Is Going To Die
April 6, 2005
Galen will live to be precisely 44 years, 7 months, and 23 days old.
On that seemingly unimportant day, he'll be wandering down a dirt road (cause that's all the South has and will ever have, if I'm not mistaken) when all of a sudden a leprechaun will burst out the brush and beckon him along. Thinking this little green man just might show him something good to rant about, Galen follows curiously. Soon the leprechaun leads him to a huge cedar tree with its trunk hollowed out. Inside is a particularly hot leprechaun woman who wishes to pleasure him orally. Galen consents with absolutely no hesitation, and the leprechaun woman is giving him the best head he'd ever gotten.
All of a sudden, she thrusts a syringe from her pocket and jabs it into his leg. Since he's enjoying the fellatio, he doesn't notice at first, and doesn't notice at all until he's walking back down the down road. Just as he's wondering why there is a syringe protruding from his thigh, the little leprechaun girl that had just sucked his dick comes running after him.
"Oh, Lord Galen!" she says. "Don't go so soon. You are needed in the land of dwarves."
She touches the syringe and suddenly they are both teleported to a majestic fantasy kingdom. Just as Galen is gazing around at the bright purple sky and blue straw houses, a dark evil witch appears in front of him.
"Galen," she says in a low, stern voice. "We have been expecting you."
But he shrugs, saying he must return to his wife back in Macon, since she'd be all alone without him as he was never able to get her pregnant, so they have no children.
"Your wife?" the witch asks. "Why, your wife is right here."
She points to where two evil looking demons have Lady Galen all tied up and gagged. Galen runs over to her and asks if she's okay. Just then, the evil looking demons untie her, and she promptly slaps him.
"You bastard!" she cries. "How could you let that leprechaun give you head? I thought only I could do that."
Galen stammers an unintelligible response, but she only laughs mockingly at him.
"I suppose you have no way of knowing she's my cousin."
Galen blinks. "Cousin?" he asks.
"That's right," she says. "Didn't you know? I'm part leprechaun. Not a lot of us South Africans are leprechauns. What do you think the apartheid thing was really about, after all? Anyway, you have been called here to the land of dwarves because you know something."
"Of course, I do," he states pompously. "I'm Lord Galen. I know everything and see everything."
"You need to go beat up the Nasty Elf that has been terrorizing this land. Can you do it?"
Galen would never pass up an opportunity to beat up elves, so he agrees and starts off among the blue straw houses until he sees a big cave opening with a sign that says "Elf Cave". He enters, finds a bunch of elves in there, and beats them to bloody pulps. The dwarves rejoice and have a spectacular feast. The girl leprechaun blows him again, too, so all is good.
When he gets up to stretch, he spots a flannel-shirted man holding a gun, obviously some redneck.
"Howdy, y'all," the redneck asks. "I'ma goin' huntin'." With that, he starts shooting all the dwarves.
Soon enough, the only ones left alive are Lord and Lady Galen, and the redneck.
"Ya gonna die," the redneck declares, aiming his gun at them.
"I won't let you!" Galen's wife shouts, tackling the redneck and wrestling him to the ground. But in the process, Lady Galen and the redneck are getting it on.
"Cheatin' bitch!" Galen shouts.
But the redneck, even in the middle of the passionate sex, snatches his gun and shoots Galen in the chest.
Galen wakes up in a hospital with an old white mage staring down at him.
"I have healed you," the mage states. "Now go. Rejoin the party downstairs and save our land."
So Galen struts out of the hospital to find these four red-headed fighters. They all start waking off into the wilderness.
"We are almost to the evil castle!" one fighter declares. "We shall finally save the land."
"Hold on, there's a computer," another fighter points out, when they see a computer built into a tree.
Not missing an opportunity, Galen logs onto his SnipeMe account and writes a rant about it all, reciting it to the amazed fighters.
"Wow, you're fucking brilliant!" one of them compliments.
All of a sudden, the tree with the computer shakes, and out pops a stunningly beautiful tree nymph.
"You have defiled my tree!" she shouts.
"What? With my rant? Get over it." Galen scoffs.
"No, the rant was good," the nymph admits. "But you misspelled the word 'guarantee'! It's spelled G-U-A-R-A-N-T-E-E, not G-A-R-A-U-N-T-E-D or however the fuck you spelled it, you stupid asshole. Die, bitch!"
With that, she casts a very powerful flame dart from her finger and zaps him into a pile of ashes.
Galen awakes in a haze to find himself in his humble Macon home, sitting on a couch. What a weird dream! But just as he opens his front door, there are about a hundred tree nymphs just like the one before. When he shuts his front door again, wondering again what is going on, a greyish blur appears behind him.
"Gaaaleeen," a spooky voice echoes. Galen gasps to see the ghost of none other than late NYRA prez Alex Koroknay-Palicz.
"Gaaaleen," the deceased Alex speaks again. "Go on a quest, Galen. Avenge my death."
"Avenge your death?" Galen asks. "How do I avenge your death when you died because THABOAT had enough of your sappy shit and turned carnivorous and devoured you when you were crossing the Mason-Dixon line?"
Alex glares at him with a sad sigh. "THABOAT lives on," he declares. "She was such a good car. What a wonderful car. She turned evil because of a dark magic spell. You must go to the junk yard where she rests now and cure her of this evil. Then I shall be avenged and may rest in peace."
So Galen finds this junkyard, and there's the very old piece of shit Ford, with THABOAT printed on its Michigan plate. A few tree nymphs are dancing naked around it, chanting.
"I'll help," states a courageous voice behind Galen. He turns around to see none other than Cartoon Goddess.
"Holy shit!" he reacts. "I haven't seen or heard from you since we were fighting ogres in Estonia."
Cartoon Goddess then just runs up to the nymphs, throws off her clothes, and starts dancing and chanting with them.
Meanwhile, THABOAT sits dormant. Galen sets his jaw resolutely and goes forward to the car. As he's walking, he slips on an old Linux disc that was lying there for some reason, falls backwards, and cracks his head on a gigantic rock.
And that is how Galen will die.
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