But see, most of those differences come out of ignorance and I don't have any prejudice against the ignorant. Oh, I'm not saying it's a good thing, but the ignorant - by definition - don't know what the fuck they're talking about. So while I do hold it against them that they don't just go fucking Google some reading material and educate themselves, I can't really hate them for that.
And then there's the Stupid. Not people who have silly ignorant beliefs like Phil Robertson making a good Presidential candidate (or that any President alone would have the power to defy the First Amendment and force Christian doctrine into the public school system that non-Christians pay for too). Not even people who have dumbshit ideas about what the word "theory" means (Hint: It doesn't mean "hurr durr best guess"). No, not even people who watch Honey Boo Boo or the Jersey Shore. I'm talking about real genuine STUPID.
A few days ago, I say a product recall on the news for a swing set. It was one of those big metal swing sets like you see at schools. The company was recalling the product because the swings are too low to the ground and several children have broken a leg when their foot got caught underneath it. This is what I'm talking about. It's not ignorance or a difference of opinion when a child doesn't pull their feet up away from the ground while they're swinging; that's just fucking stupid. It's also not a political difference where we can agree to disagree when the child and/or their parents can't seem to figure out how to adjust the height of the swing to make it sit higher off the ground. Even if you can't do it properly, I think me and everybody else I know figured out how to toss that fucker over the top bar and wrap the chain around the horizontal supporting poll when we were in like fucking Kindergarten. So, really, if you're breaking your goddamn leg on a swing set because the swing is too close to the ground, you're not ignorant or misinformed, you're a shitfaced imbecile!
And rather than just saying to their kid, "Hey Jimmy, that was fucking stupid, you just broke your leg, dumbass!' the parents make yet another fucking stupid decision: They sue the company who manufactured the swing set. Excuse me, but whose fault is it that your child has the reasoning skills of a clogged shower drain? Maybe that's not your child's fault. Maybe it's not yours either, but ya know who else can't be blamed for it? The company who manufactured that very-simple-to-use product that your precious little angel was too much of a goddamn ass-blister to master.
Little Patty earned her Doctorate that day....
Why does this affect my life at all? I mean, why all the bitter hatred from me, right? What the fuck do I care if some kid is a retard and breaks... Ok, that's not fair. Actual mentally retarded children probably wouldn't do something that stupid, I apologize to them. Anyway... What happens now if I want to go out and buy that same swing set? Well first of all, if I happen to have *liked* that particular swing set, I can just grab my little binky and my doll and go fuck myself in a lonely little corner, now can't I?! Because that shit has been recalled and will never be available for purchase again. Not that version, anyway. Oh, the company will surely come out with another version that fixes the problem. And beyond just fixing the problem, it will probably have a 5-point safety harness, a rubber-padded roll cage, and side-impact airbag, an emergency oxygen supply that drops down from above, an epipen, a portable defib unit, and the instructions will strongly advise you to install it hanging over one of those foam pits you see in large gyms and will also include the BOLDED, ITALICIZED, UNDERLINED AND ALL-CAPS WARNING that if you should fail to do so, the company is not liable for your stupidity. Which is basically the position that they (and the courts) should've taken to begin with! If you're too stupid to use one of the simplest pieces of technology that exists, then you're also too goddamn stupid to not have a broken leg. I'm glad children broke their fucking legs on that swing set. Happy, I say! I'm fucking giggling over here, can't you just hear the fucking cheerfulness streaming from me like the first piss of the day over here! We need MORE swings that will break some goddamn legs because that's the only surefire way to teach FUCKING IDIOTS not to do fucking stupid things!
Yes... stupid fucking things. Like spilling hot coffee on yourself and then suing McDonalds because their coffee was, y'know, HOT. Oh yes, anybody remember that little gem? It's often used as the prime example of what a stupid litigious society we live in. This particular old case was brought up for me recently while browsing the hallowed halls of Ye Olde Reddit. While browsing the "Today I Learned" subreddit, I came across a post(linking to a YouTube video) which was basically "Today I learned that the woman who spilled coffee on herself totally DID deserve the settlement and the media spun it to make her look stupid."
I thought I was going to be pleasantly surprised. I thought I'd found myself another fine example of how the media is full of shit. And, well, I did, but it's not quite all THAT. See, the gist of the thread and the video it linked to was, essentially, "Look guys, she totally really and for real DID burn herself and those burns are quite bad because McDonald's coffee really really really for-reals-not-for-play-play actually WAS totally hot!"
Yes, she really did burn herself badly.
Yes, the coffee really actually totally legitimately *was* hot as hell.
I'm not seeing information here that I didn't already know. Thanks, Reddit, for being the great delivery boys of the mediocre. We already knew the coffee was hot and the burns were bad. Y'know how everybody with a brain already knew that? Because everybody with a brain knows that it's fucking coffee and coffee is goddamn HOT!
"ERMAHGERD, GALEN, YOU DN'T UNDERSTND!!1!11 MCDONOLD HAD BEN WRNED LIEK 50 TIEMS THAT THEY'RE COFEE WUZ 2 HOT!"
Unless it sets the fucking cup on fire, there's no such thing as "too hot." Y'know why? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING COFFEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's how it's SUPPOSED to be, you cunt!
I remember McDonald's coffee before that shit went down. Oh yes, you faggots forget, I'm in my mid-thirties, which means I'm old as goddamn dirt compared to most of you who are reading this. I remember being a teenager, getting some coffee at McDonald's and burning the living fuck out of my tongue on the first sip.
It took about a week before my tongue stopped feeling like someone had tried to give it an old fashioned shave with a straight razor. Another week after that before my taste buds would really work properly again. Like I said, burned the fuck out of it. And in those 2 weeks, did I ever once think about sueing McDonald's? No. Nobody even made a joke about it because, at that time, something so utterly retarded was inconcievable! It seriously never even once entered my mind.
Of course, I wasn't as badly hurt as the Coffee Lady. She had some serious burns and her thigh looked practically melted. Which, again, is what happens when you spill scalding hot liquid in your lap. This is what one would expect to be the result of spilling scalding hot liquid into one's lap. Had this happened to me, I'd have been at the hospital getting treated and during my treatment I *still* would never once consider that maybe I should sue McDonald's. Y'know why? Because spililng the coffee on me would be something I'd firmly categorize on the list of stupid things I've done. Now, if McD's came along at some point and said "Hey, we feel really bad about you burning yourself with our piping hot coffee, we'd like to help you out with your medical expenses." I would totally accept that financial help. But I can guarantee that one of the first thoughts through my mind would be "Aww, that's nice, they don't have to do that." Because they fucking don't have to do that! They don't owe me SHIT!
But that's not how history went with the Coffee Lady. McDonald's lost and now their coffee (which used to be the best fast-food coffee in the world) is "meh" at best. We all lost! It was a small loss, yes, but it affected us ALL! And to add insult to injury, I'm now faced with the loss of my dignity every time I get coffee from a public place. I don't know about you, but I feel fucking insulted at having to see "WARNING: CONTENTS ARE EXTREMELY HOT" on the side of my coffee cup. As if I need to be told that. As if I'm a goddamn idiot who doesn't know that coffee is fucking hot. FML.
And there's no winning. How about the story of the Dyslexic woman who sued Starbucks because the "hot coffee" warning on the cup caused her to have a car accident? Oh yeah! She was "distracted" trying to read the small print warning on the cup and she crashed. So now it's Starbuck's fault that she's a goddamn moron who was trying to read the tiny print on the side of her coffee cup while operating a motor vehicle?! ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME?! Even the world reading champion shouldn't be trying to do that, much less a dyslexic person and she was too stupid to know better than to do that? And because she's this fucking thick, she's allowed to waste the court's time and tax-payer dollars?
I didn't check on the outcome of that story. I'm going to indulge in a little of my own ignorance. I'm going to just imagine that the case was laughed right out of the courtroom and the stupid bitch was forced to shell out some hefty fines for wasting public resources. Yes, I'd like to imagine (just for a while) that we don't live in a world where your every fucking dipshit move doesn't affect me. I'd like to imagine that we live in a world where personal responsibility is not dead. A world where if your kid breaks his leg on a swing, it's his own damn fault for being stupid and you chalk it up as a life lesson. A world where spilling hot coffee in your lap is still a shitty thing, but it's a shitty thing that's entirely your own goddamn fault, not the fault of whoever poured the coffee into the cup and gave it to you. A world where the wreck you caused while reading a coffee cup warning label - or the latest text message from your BFF Jill, you fucking inbred twat - is your fault, not the fault of whoever handed you the cup or sent you the text or whatever.
We all suffer due to your stupidity and that's not fair. Hell, it's so unfair, I should sue someone over it! Heh, I wonder how that would work out. Maybe that's actually the key to solving all this shit. If I sue someone who filed a dumbshit lawsuit because they caused me to pay more for my cup of coffee or caused me mental distress at not getting the swing set I wanted or whatever. That would be hilarious and if I ever find myself to be a rich man, I'm totally going to do it, just for laughs.
This is where the nanny state comes from, people. See, the nanny state isn't about "controlling" you. Yeah, all people are bastards and want to control other people, but do you really think that the next Hitler has his sights set on forcing you to wear a seatbelt or forcing the Circle-K manager to put "WARNING: CONTENTS ARE EXTREMELY COLD" on all the Coke bottles in the fridge so that you can't sue when you spill it in your lap and turn your nuts blue? The nanny state doesn't come from people wanting to control you, it comes from people being tired of your SHIT!
How do I know? I'm an elementary school teacher; I AM the nanny state! A fellow Youth Rights advocate once screamed at me (well, in text, but you know...) because I casually mentioned that if I'm in the middle of teaching something and a kid asks to go to the bathroom, I ask them if they can hold it for a few more minutes and let me finish. She called me a power-hungry tin dictator.... for that. Perfect nanny state example here. I don't ask the kid to wait because I'm on a power trip and want to control their bladder. HAHAHA FEEL MY AWESOME POWER AND AUTHORITY, I HAVE DENIED YOU A PISS! Hardly... I ask the kid to wait because I know that if they leave in the middle of my lesson, they'll be the one who "doesn't get it" and when they inevitably "don't get it" do you know who is going to get the angry phone call from a parent accusing them of not doing their job? It won't be that kid! For my part, I never tell a kid "no" when they ask to go to the bathroom, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask them to wait a few minutes until we're not right in the middle of something. But that's one of those no-win situations. I either let the kid go and risk getting bitched at because he's out of class and missing instructional time or I don't let him go and risk getting bitch at (rightly so) for denying a kid the right to pee! And WHY is this a problem for me? Because the kid isn't held responsible for whatever stupid decision he makes, I am. And you may say "Well Galen, that's because you teach little ones, of course you're responsible for them!" I'd agree completely if not for the fact that it's only the beginning. We start them out this way, teaching them outright and through our actions that they aren't responsible for themselves. Then it continues all the way through school because the system infantilizes them well past the point where they should be taking responsibility for themselves. And then we toss them out into the world and expect them to magically know that they're not supposed to blame their fucking coffee cup when they crash into something!
It isn't ignorance destroying us. It isn't Duck Dynasty fans or people who think there's a "War on Christmas" who are really hurting us in the long run. It's the people who refuse to think because they've learned that there's no need for them to do so. Why learn how to spell? Microsoft Word will fix it for you! Why typ teh rite way n spel wrds rite? Erybody no's wut ur sayin so who cares?! People are stupid because they don't HAVE to be anything else. Why bother? If I spill coffee on myself it's not MY fault! If I wrap my car around a tree it's not MY fault! If somebody walks into an elementary school and shoots up the place, we blame the fucking guns. If kids beat up other kids, we blame the video games or movies or music! Remember everybody, Columbine was Marilyn Manson's fault!
Look at the shitty pathetic pass-the-buck culture we've created. And this is why I still love my ignorant ass family. They may be ignorant as hell, but at least they're not fucking stupid!