As I write this, I sit cozy and warm in my home at 3pm on a Thursday afternoon. By all rights, I should be freezing my ass off directing children into cars right about now as school lets out. But I'm not doing that and I haven't doing that since Monday. Thank you, Old Man Winter, for blowing your frosty load all over my state!
Yes, it's that time again. About 2 or 3 times per decade (4 if we're lucky!), we get to see snow come to Georgia and fuck everything up. The last time it happened was 4 years ago. The snow always brings interesting things to us here in the South. Unscheduled days off work. Kids playing outdoors during the day in the middle of the week. Fucktons of snow pictures clogging up Facebook. Y'know, the usual kinda shit that you get from an area where snow is rare. The kinda shit that anyone with half a brain would expect from an area where snow is rare.
And yet I still find myself putting up with dumbassery every fucking time. Dumbasses who live further north and can't seem to fathom the concept that we don't live in ice caves and shit snow onto our plates for breakfast like they apparently do. I've actually lost count of the number of comments (and even actual news articles) I've seen on Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, etc. over the past 2 days which can all be summarized as "LOL 2 inches of snow did all THAT? What the fuck? I wouldn't even notice 2 inches, you noobs, lololololol!"
Well fucking great for you! Oh, you drive in this all the time and can't understand why our Interstate 75 was completely clogged with traffic accidents? Cuz we just don't know how to drive in it, right? And I'm sure that the millions of dollars worth of snow plows and salt trucks don't have anything to do with your ability to drive on your roads, right? Cuz it's not like smartass tourists from the north put their cars in our southern ditches or anything over the past two days (Protip: They totally did). And it's also not like traffic accidents drastically increase in the northern states during snowy weather too (Protip: They totally do)!
But, of course, that's not entirely fair. Northerners are far better at driving on iced-over roads and through snow. Not anywhere near as good as they pretend to be while berating us, but still, better. When you get to practice something for months on end every year, then no fucking shit you're better at it than those of us who get to practice for the sum total of maybe one week each decade!
So you guys up north have WAY more experience at a very particular type of driving skill than we have *and* you have the infrastructure to make it even easier to deal with. Now, there's nothing that can be done for the experience part, but what about the infrastructure? Every damn time it snows in the South, the Interbutts light up with comments about how us stupid southerners should stop spending tax dollars fighting abortion and putting Ten Commandment monuments up and use that money to build up our snow preparedness. While I certainly agree that our money doesn't need to be spent on that typical Southern retardation, let's take a serious look at the logistics of making Georgia ready for snow the way that, say, New York is.
I, Lord Galen, the fictional mayor of Atlanta, hereby authorize the purchase of 100 snow plows and salt trucks! Ok, so now we own the equipment we need! Well, we need to train people to use this equipment. Ok, let's do that. There! Now we have equipment to fight the snow and people to run that equipment!
Bravo for us! Well, ok, it looks like now it's 70 degrees again (like it's going to be this Saturday) and we won't need all this equipment. That's ok, we'll save it for the next time. During those intervening 3-5 years before we see snow again, let's not forget all the millions we'll be paying to keep these machines running. You know, the machines we already paid millions to own that we now have no use for? Yeah, those.
Fast forward another 4 years. Look, it's snow again! Fuck yeah, break out the plows and salt trucks! Well, goddamnit Frank, why'd you crash your snow plow into a ditch? Oh, you were trained in their use 4 years ago and never actually had any practical experience driving the-- FUCK, Jimmy, you too?! What? .... *looks around* .... WHY THE GODDAMN SHIT IS HALF MY FLEET LAID OVER ON THEIR SIDES AT THE BOTTOM OF SNOWY EMBANKMENTS?!
But somehow, we muddle through this imaginary scenario. Half of my very expensive infrastructure is fucked up now, because the people operating the equipment had no practical experience using it (and way realistic way to get that experience). But, regardless, the Atlanta roadways are now clear! No kids stuck in schools for two days, no terribly jammed up highways, we're all good! Over the course of these four years, we've spend a hundred million dollars on infrastructure and just look at that goddamn 2 or 3 million it saved us! Fuck, I'm so proud of myse-- What's that? I'm being voted out of office now for spending money like a goddamn retarded jellyfish? FUCK! And now they're selling my fleet to maintain the air conditioning units we need for every fucking summer when the temperature hits triple-digits.... damn.
Ok, scenario over! There's a lot that could've been done differently in my scenario, but I trust I've made my point. Not a goddamn one of you who are reading this would want your local government to spend massive fucktons of money to buy and then maintain equipment that will only be used a few times each decade. Especially when the problem is far more easily (and cheaply) resolved by idiots just staying the fuck off the roads when it snows! Which is what most people do, incidentally.
So, for the last fucking time, NORTHERN STATES, shut the fuck up! No, we're not equipped to handle snow. No, we can't fucking drive in it. And no, that isn't going to change, ever. Why not? Because, just like you (and every other human being on the planet), we don't devote time, money, and effort, to fixing something that is, at most, a minor inconvenience for a few days every 3-5 years. Nobody fucking does that, you cunt waffles!