If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong. Don't talk to me about protocol.
-Dr. Gregory House
Lord Galen
Home  •  Classic Home  •   •  Forum  • 






Short
URL
Archive 2014:           2014 Archive Index           Main Archive Index

Food Snobs
July 10, 2014


Go to any place online (or even offline, in a lot of cases) and mention going out to eat at someplace like Applebees, Olive Garden or - Heaven forbid! - McDonald's. Do this and you will be able to sit back and watch as, suddenly, everyone around you turns into a master food critic and fine dining expert. They will all stick their virtual noses in the air and make snide comments about how Olive Garden is shit and their food is sub-par and blah blah blah.

Here's what I'd like to know: When the overwhelming majority of the country is nowhere near the income level that it takes to afford fine dining, how is it that the overwhelming majority of people running their fucking mouths are serious food experts who apparently never foul themselves with dirty peasant food like Applebees?

Let's establish something right now. You, the reader, are most likely a middle-class 40-hour-per-week 9-to-5 regular Joe. If you're not that, then you're most likely a kid. Either way, you've never had fine dining in your goddamn life and, if you did, it was once and you thought it was a pretty cool experience. You've been to Applebees, Olive Garden, Ruby Tuesday, Shoney's, etc. not just once or twice, but on many occasions throughout your life. The only time you don't find them acceptable as eating establishments is when you're talking shit on the Internet, trying to act like you're better than you are (as if where/what you eat determines that) or that you know more than you fucking do.

Let's further establishment, kind sir or madaam, that you, the reader, most likely have no training of any kind in the culinary arts and everything you know about the subject comes from watching TV shows featuring Gordon Ramsay and thinking that because he taught you to never use cold milk when making mashed potatoes that you're suddenly a goddamn sous chef.

Let us even further establish that you, the reader, are more likely to associate the word "palate" with the wooden object (a pallet) than with the culinary usage. As it is, you can barely tell a chicken nugget from a steak nugget, but that's because you dip them both in honey mustard sauce and call it a day. In a blind-folded taste test, you wouldn't know the goddamn difference between the steak from a Taco Bell steak fajita and a cut from a fine dining establishment.

You don't know jack-fucking-SHIT about fine dining, what constitutes a "nice" restaurant, or what qualifies as "high quality" food. You like to pretend that you do, so you can join in the fucking crowd as you badmouth the place you've eaten at 200 times before, even though the rest of the crowd doesn't know any fucking better than you! Y'know what I do when I think the food somewhere is shit? I DON'T EAT THERE! I haven't set food inside a Burger King in over 15 years, because their food is shit. I get to trash-talk Burger King! You ate there last Tuesday, shut the fuck up about the place!

McDonald's is a great example. Everybody has something bad to say about the place, but every last goddamn one of you eats there! And what do you have to say about them? That the food is low quality shit? Compared to what, asshole? Five Guys? Sure, I can agree with that, but then I'm not sitting here pretending to be a goddamn culinary expert and, OH BY THE WAY ASSHOLE, Five Guys is also what would be classified as very low quality dining by those who are actually food experts.

I'm not about to sit here pretending to be some kind of fucking food snob just because the rest of you act like you've never seen the inside of an Olive Garden or that you didn't clean your plate and take breadsticks home with you the last time you were there! YOU FUCKING DID, AND YOU'LL DO IT AGAIN! Why? Because there's not a goddamn thing wrong with Olive Garden, or Applebees, or McDonald's. Yes, they absolutely are "low quality" food, but you only know that because somebody fucking told you. You read it somehwere or heard it online or Wolfgang Puck moaned it while you were sucking his dick.

Nobody needs your fucking bullshit uninformed opinion. You may be technically correct that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food or that Pizza Hut isn't real Italian food. But you're right in the same way that I'm right when I say that pi is 3.14. I suck at math and I have absolutely ZERO understanding of what that means or WHY the value for pi is 3.14159(...blahblahblah). I know it is, because I've learned that it is, and if I need to calculate the circumference of something, I know to fucking use pi, but that doesn't mean I understand it. In the same way, you know that a real Italian chef would scoff at Olive Garden, but you don't have the first fucking clue as to WHY.

And so, you continue to eat at Applebees while snubbing it in your tweets, on Reddit, or at your high school reunion as you try to impress Mary Jane Rottencrotch (who still isn't going to suck your dick, loser).

One last thing. If you suddenly found yourself to be wealthy and started trying to eat fine dining all the time, you'd likely be miserable. If you didn't grow up with it, it's damn hard to adjust to paying $60 for less actual food than what's in a Happy Meal, no matter how high-quality the food is.

I'll stick with my low-end fucking peasant food and I'm gonna sit here and be FUCKING PROUD OF IT! Olive Garden is some good shit. So is Applebees. So are MOST places. If you can't find something you would enjoy eating at any restaurant, then the problem isn't the eating establishment, the problem is your stuck-up fucking attitude. You're not a culinary genius. You're not a food critic. You're not Gordon Ramsay. You're just a cunt. Shut up and eat your fries, asshole.


Archive 2014:           2014 Archive Index           Main Archive Index