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Four Paws of LIES
By: Mr. Charisma  |  January 1, 2014

As someone with a disability, I have to make peace with a lot of things I think are stupid.

1. Equipment for disabled people is usually about eight to twelve times more expensive than it should be, especially in the United States..
2. The vast majority of people without disabilities are ignorant to the lives of people with disabilities.
3. There are some people willing to pretend to have a serious disability in order to get special treatment.

I've ranted here enough about #2, and I don't feel like depressing myself by going deeper into #1, so today, I'm here to deliver the much-needed FUCK YOU on behalf of all disabled people who are too kind to say it out loud.

If you are pretending to have a disability, or know someone who has done so and did nothing about it,


I don't care how many movies you've seen where someone pretends to need a wheelchair, it is absolutely never ever acceptable. Neither is pretending to be retarded. I don't care how attractive that parking space is, it is not for you. And if you are one of the billions of pet owners on the planet, unless it's a certified service animal, LEAVE THE FUCKER AT HOME!

I found this article the other day:

Apparently people have been going and getting fake vests and badges to put on their personal pets so they can take them anywhere, just like a real service dog. Wanna know the differences between a real service dog and a fake one? Too fucking bad, here they are!

A real service dog underwent a MASSIVE amount of training in a service dog program that has a higher flunk-out rate than the navy SEALS.

A real service dog is trained to be practically unseen and unnoticed by people at restaurants, movie theaters, buses, and so on. They are not supposed to be on the table, they are not supposed to be eating off the floor, and they are not supposed to react to anything other than the commands and or safety of the handler.


Whether it's because they are blind, epileptic, diabetic, or even schizophrenic or autistic, the person holding that fucking leash has a 100% real, legitimate, completely genuine DIS-A-FUCKING-BILITY.

Note that while “autistic” is on the list, and while Asperger's technically falls somewhere on the autism spectrum, that does not entitle every dickbag who thinks he's socially awkward to walk around with his own dog everywhere he goes.

“But Mr. Charisma,” I hear the ever-present douchebag-devil's advocate say “It's not like anyone is getting hurt, it's a victimless crime!”

No, it's not. There have been several recorded instances of people with fake service dogs who attack the dogs of real disabled people, or worse, the disabled person. Furthermore, every time you bring your fake service dog to a public place, you are giving REAL disabled people a harder time, because you might be giving out wrong information about service dogs, or teaching people how to incorrectly act around service dogs. This means that people are even worse around people than they would be if they were just ignorant to a service dog user.

But, if I am anything, it's willing to compromise. So, if you want to get your own service dog, here's all you have to do.

If you want to say he's a seeing-eye dog, you must first gouge out your eyes with a melon baller.

If you want a seizure detection dog, you must first have doctors implant a taser into your rectum, which will shock you at random intervals.

If you want a service dog for someone who is wheelchair-bound, you must first allow a person in a wheelchair to shoot you in both knees with a shotgun no smaller than a 12 gauge (Put those brakes on before you shoot, cripples!)

And so on. There is no middle ground here. If you pretend to be disabled for special treatment, you are a bad person. You are a human being who is truly less deserving of life than other human beings. Please go fuck yourself with a dick made out of razorblades and go bleed out in a pool full of hungry sharks on PCP.

On a side note, rich folks are now hiring disabled people to go to Disney theme parks with them so they can get to the front of the lines faster. So, I'd get to go to Disneyland AND make some money on the side?! Fuck yes! Being disabled rocks!

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