Insanity in individuals is something rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.
Lord Galen
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Straight Edge is Straight Stupid
January 1, 2012

Just to make sure we're all on the same page here, let's start with a definition. I mean, some of you might be clinically retarded and/or have been living up a donkey's ass for the past decade or more as the "Straight Edge" retards have gotten louder and fucking whinier here ont he Interwebs. So, on the off chance that you've been fortunate enough to never encounter one of these wastes of a fucking life, here ya go:

Straight edge is a subculture of hardcore punk whose adherents refrain from using alcohol, tobacco, and other recreational drugs. It was a direct reaction to the sexual revolution, hedonism, and excess associated with punk rock. For some, this extends to not engaging in promiscuous sex, following a vegetarian or vegan diet, and not using caffeine or prescription drugs.


Oh, but if only it stopped there. If ONLY Straight Edge had remained just a "subculture of hardcore punk." That might be tolerable. Instead, it's spread like a mutated plague being carried by super-sonic cockroaches!

So what, you might ask, is wrong with a group of people who have decided not to drink, smoke, do drugs, have recreational sex, drink coffee, eat meat, etc? To start with, it's the basic premise that these things are somehow "bad."

Let me just state this right from the start: There is nothing WRONG with drinking, smoking, doing drugs, having recreational sex, chugging down a cup of java, enjoying a steak, or any of that other bullshit. That's the very first problem I have with these fucktards. It takes a massive IQ dip for someone to start thinking this shit, by itself, is "bad." Sure, sure, I know, all those things can kill you.

EVERYTHING CAN KILL YOU, RETARD! And I'm not just using hyperbole there. EVERYTHING can, in some way, lead to your death. Now, the things I mentioned (the things Straight Edgers avoid) have certainly been shown to contribute to a person's death a bit more than, say, breathing. But let's not kid ourselves here. All that "bad" shit is what actually makes life enjoyable and WORTH living in the first place!

Now, I'm not advocating that everyone run out and start doing all that shit at once, or even to do it a lot. You've heard the old cliche "all things in moderation" and that's what I'm talking about. If you go out with your friends every now and then to get drunk, I challenge any one of those fucking Straight Edged retards to name me ONE GODDAMN THING that's actually demonstrably negative about that.

The next problem (which is related to the first) with these fucktards is that, for them, there's only 2 game modes for life:

"Fuck, Sam's got like a bajillion HP compared to Suzie's.... 2"

But that ISN'T how it works. Fucking goodie-goodie Sam and dumb crack/meth whore Suzie are extreme ends of the spectrum. There's all kinda shit in between. Somewhere in that in-between zone, you'd probably find me. I smoke about a carton (200 cigarettes) every 2 weeks. I rarely drink, though I used to when I was in high school and college. I've never engaged in recreational sex (fucking someone you're not in a relationship with just for the sake of fucking them), though I did once date a girl just to sleep with her and there's been some recreational making out and stuff like that... Oh, well, there was some recreational oral sex, so I guess I'm busted on that one. I drink coffee like a motherfucker and tea even worse (yes, iced tea is rich in caffeine). And I damn sure love my meat and other animal products. But HERE'S the thing: Even the one thing I do have an unhealthy addiction to (tobacco) is still something I've cut back on over the years, not indulged in more. The other shit is pretty much all done in moderation. And that's the key, really. You can do whatever fucking "bad" shit you want as long as you're doing it because you WANT to and not because it rules you. My addiction to smokes might rule me, but I've never had a chance to find out since I keep WANTING to do it!

Straight Edgers, listen to me, you silly cunt dodgers: There are WAY WAY WAY WAY FUCKING MORE than just two options in life. You don't have to be all "clean" to keep from being all "dirty." Life is not a white linen towel, you fucking retards. A few little smudges here and there don't ruin the whole goddamn thing! But that's what you think. DON'T send me e-mails denying this. I know it's what you think because your words and actions betray those thoughts in you!

Which brings me to the next problem with Straight Dorks. They're self-righteous, pompous, arrogant sons of bitches! If you're not one of them, you're "tainted." You're somehow lesser than them because you're less than their idealized image of the perfect fucking Mr. Clean!

"Hey! Don't lump me in with those faggots!"

Sorry, Mr. Clean.... *ahem* Anyway....

This is probably the biggest problem that I have with them. If these fucknuts want to waste the one and only life they have missing out on half the fun shit, then fuck 'em. But, oh no... Just like any other group of assholes who think they've got all the answers, they're not content to just apply the fucking answers to themselves. No, no, no, what fun would that be?! They have to SHARE and SHARE SOME MORE with everybody! And it's not the fun kind of sharing, like passing a blunt around the room. No, it's the GETTHEFUCKOUTOFMYFACEYOUWEIRDO kind of sharing like when those nice well-dressed men from The Watchtower come to pay you a visit early on a Saturday morning while you're still wiping the sleep from your eyes. Yes, it's that kind of sharing. The kind of sharing you fucking wish you could turn off, but somehow can't. I can't tell you how many times I've been called a meat-eating murdering asshole by some vegan whack-a-doo, but these guys really take no-dairy-no-eggs cake! With them, it's not just eating meat that sets you in their sites and makes you the scum of the Earth; it's pretty much EVERYTHING YOU DO that makes them look down their fucking pointy noses at you.

So, if you've read this rant and feel like you'd like to join the ranks of retarded, here's Lord Galen's Handy Dandy Guide to Becoming Straight Edge:

Step 1: Stop doing anything remotely enjoyable. You absolutely CAN'T enjoy the life that you're working so fucking hard to prolong. It's a key trait of Straight Edgers to live as long as possible for no fucking reason other than to just count more birthdays where they get tofu and rice cakes wrapped in recycled biodegradable gift-wrap.

Step 2: Always choose Goodboy Sam on life's Player Select screen. There is only one other choice and nobody fucking wants that choice, so it's obvious that you're doing the right thing. Oh shit, wait, sorry, you don't get to talk like that either since many Straight Edgers also consider swearing to be another "bad" thing you can't do. So go join the No Cussing Club and get laughed at enjoy your clean mouth!

Step 3: Anybody who does the slightest thing wrong is obviously doing it ALL wrong. Remember, there were only 2 choices on the Player Select screen and since that cute girl you wanna fuck is enjoying a glass of wine, she's a dirty dirty filthy fucking whore and you can't be with her! Oh wait, nevermind, you can't be with her anyway since PUTTING THE DIDDLE PART IN THE FIDDLE HOLE IS BAD BAD BAD!

Just follow those 3 easy steps and you too can be a self-righteous prick for absolutely no reason! What better way to spend your long ass fucking life than by doing... NOTHING!


Y'know why, butthurt genius? Because bitches SAY they're attracted to motherfuckers like you, when in reality they're attracted to people who DON'T act like they're too afraid of shaving half an hour off their fucking life to actually enjoy the time they have! Oh, don't mistake me, I *know* you're not Straight Edge out of any sort of fear (not most of you, at least). Regardless of that fact, that IS how you come across. That IS the first thing that runs through everyone's mind; that you're too goddamn chickenshit to risk even a single minute of your life.

You go right ahead and live twice as long as me. I'll die with a smile on my fucking face. You'll die wondering what all that other shit would've been like. Looking back, at the end of your life, when you finally do realize that it's coming to an end no matter WHAT you do, you'll wish like hell that you'd spent the time DOING things instead of trying to make this moment take as long as possible to arrive. You're a pussy and a waste of decent oxygen that other people could have. There are honestly few people I despise more than someone who throws their fucking life away and thinks they're better than me for doing it. Fuck you. Enjoy your meaningless, boring, fucking useless life and keep standing up for your dumbshit "beliefs" as if anybody gives 2 drops of rat piss what you think, you fucking loser!

In closing, I'd like to say that you can all fucking save your e-mails. I'm not interested in hearing you fucking whine about how I just don't get it and how I'm adding to the persecution of people like you. You're vermin, you deserve to be persecuted, but that's not even what I'm doing. I'm just telling you what fucking useless retards you are. I'm not gonna make one move to stop you from enjoying that life of yours. Just SHUT THE FUCK UP and LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE and it's all good. Now, go get fucked in the ass by a bulldozer, loser.

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