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Rainbow Dash is BEST PONY!
April 1, 2012


This debate has gone on long enough. I am here today to explain to you idiots beyond all reasonable doubt why, exactly, Rainbow Dash is the best pony there is.

First, I'm going to need to get all those other LESSER characters out of the way. So let's take a trip through Ponyville, one-by-one, to discuss why every other pony is fucking stupid.

Twilight Sparkle
She's a fucking snob. That's all there is to it. She's a snob who thinks she fucking knows every goddamn thing and that magic can fix fucking EVERYTHING. She uses her magic unicorn powers to float shit around and even to write. Why? Because she's a lazy ass snob cunt, that's why! I mean, really, the fact that she won't even lift a finger to do even the tinest bit of actual WORK really shows what kind of pony she is. And any work that *doesn't* get done by her magic, well, that's just something she assigns to her fucking slave, Spike. What a bitch.

Pinkie Pie
What really needs to be said here? I mean, you only need to watch a few minutes of her exploits to realize that she's a permanently high sugar addict. She hasn't eaten anything healthy in her entire life, except perhaps during her restrictive religious upbringing. And speaking of her religious beliefs... WHOA. She makes the Mormons look goddamn sane. She believes firmly in her place as a prophet via the "pinkie sense." She fervently believes that she can predict the future and she usually CAN, but that's just a symptom of her other - largest - problem. She has complete disregard for all laws and standards, but especially the laws of physics and the standards of an evidence based world. If there is a Satan in ponyville, then Pinkie Pie is his spawn. Pure. Fucking. EVIL.

Fluttershy
Weak-minded, spineless fucking USELESS COWARD of a pony! Really, the height of UN-coolness! Fluttershy is the epitome of everything about humanity - and, indeed, ponykind - that I despise! Her timid self-loathing goddamn emo behavior isn't "cute" it's SICKENING! In the next episode, she's gonna listen to Hawthorne Heights and cut herself while wearing a pair of Angel's skinny jeans! GAH!

Applejack
Her and the entire fucking Apple family are nothing but a bunch of goddamn backwards-ass rednecks! The only one of them that seems to have any functioning brainpower at all is motherfucking Apple Bloom and, sadly, she's already been so heavily indoctrinated by this fucking CULT of apple worship that I'm not holding out much hope. Bunch of fucking worthless hicks, the whole lot of them!

Rarity
Ah, the worst of them all. The uptight "fashionista" of the group. If Twilight Sparkle is a snob, then Rarity is the goddamn queen of all snobs everywhere. She is the most self-absorbed, bitchy, stuck-up, low-brow, simple-minded fucking CUNT that has ever existed in all of Equestria! I hope that bitch fucking dies in a pile of Wal-Mart discount clothes!

There. Now, I've shown you all why the other ponies suck so hard. I didn't mention Spike because the slave isn't worth a mention. It's now time to discuss the awesomeness of my hero, the great Rainbow Dash.

Y'see, unlike the other ponies, Dashy is selfless and kind and wonderful and just plain fucking COOL. She gives of herself constantly by maintaining the weather for all those other selfish, bitchy, WORTHLESS ponies to enjoy. She's also the faster flyer in all of Equestria (not just Ponyville). I mean, seriously, nobody else has ever achieved the great Sonic Rainboom! That, alone, makes her superior. I mean, what the fuck have any of those other useless cunts ever done that's SPECIAL? Hmm?! Not a goddamn thing, that's what.

In conclusion, Rainbow Dash is the best pony in all of Equestria. It is my sincere hope that she will Rainboom the fuck out of Princess Celestia and take over the country.


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