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NDEs and the Afterlife
January 15, 2012


NDE. That's "Near Death Experience." It's the series of percieved events, feelings, etc. reported by people who have been clinically dead or near death. I'm sure you've heard the stories. The idea of your life flashing before your eyes and then meeting your departed loved ones in a tunnel with a beautiful white light at the end is so well known it's become a cliche. But beyond the almost campy status of this old tale is the fact that millions of people really have experienced these things for themselves. It's a favorite nugget of the religious to "prove" the existance of their particular god or gods.

Make no mistake, these experiences have many common themes regardless of religion or culture. They've happened to people all across the world and when someone seems to encounter a deity, it's always their own. I tried to find just one story of something like a Muslim dying and meeting Jesus so that he later woke up to become a Christian. I can't find a single one. I'm not saying that such stories might not be out there (and I'd love to read them if they are), just that I have not been able to find any. There is ONE exception to this, of course, and that's atheists who die and see God. Well, of course they let go of all that great "logic" and "reason" once they actually SEE God! Who could argue with what you've seen with your own.... hmmm... I can't exactly say "with your own eyes" since, y'know, you're not actually seeing any of that shit with your eyes. You're not actually hearing it with your own ears, nor feeling it with your own skin. What senses, exactly, are these experiences being recorded with?

Oh yaeh, that's right, the exact same ones that record the shit that happens when you dream: Absolutely none. And that's because an NDE is taking place in exactly the same location that your dreams take place.

"The Astral Plane?!"

*SLAP!* No, you fucking new age dickstain! IN YOUR HEAD!

Yes, I'm saying that the whole damn thing is your mind playing tricks on you. I know it's hard to believe. I mean, who would ever imagine that your oxygen-starved and endorphin-saturated near-death brain might not be all that fucking reliable?! Now, the immediate rebuttal of most people who've experienced an NDE is usually that they could tell it was real; they "just knew" (because nobody has ever had a dream that seemed so real you couldn't tell it was a dream until you woke up... that totally never happens). I've heard dozens of accounts of people saying that it was actually "more real" than this reality. What's funny is that the previous sentence could apply to both those who've experienced NDEs as well as those who've experienced PCP (and many other mind-altering drugs). That hyper-reality (the sense that what you're experiencing is even "more real" than everyday life) is exactly what you get with altered fucking brain chemisty, you moron, and it is evidence AGAINST your claim, not FOR it!

And this is why atheists who suddenly become believers after a NDE truly piss me the fuck off. Oh yeah, you were such a science geek and had tons of evidence disproving the God hypothesis, but one deranged hallucination after a truck falls on your head from 10 stories in the air and all of a sudden you start slopping up the whole trough full of shit! What, nobody ever fucking educated you as to what happens to the brain when its chemical state gets altered? As in, y'know, when all of its support systems are shutting the fuck down and it's DYING?! Not one of you geniuses ever considered that?!

Apparently not, since NDE research has been a serious scientific endeavor since the 70s. Really now? I mean, fucking REALLY? You dorks have been "researching" this shit for almost 40 years and the light bulb never went off over anybody's head that just MAYBE if a bump on the head or a little meth can cause vivid hallucinations then just PERHAPS fucking dying might cause a sight or two to be seen? NOBODY figured this simple 2+2 Kindergarten bullshit out yet?!

I guess that's why I'm the god and you're all fucking retards. I figured out in a few minutes what you couldn't figure out in 40 fucking years and the only research tool I used was fucking GOOGLE! Oh, well, I did also use my brain, which is apparently a resource that NDE researchers have yet to acquire. Let's just all stop for a minute to praise Lord Galen for being the best god.........

Ok, praise time is over. Speaking of gods, let's get back to the point I brushed up against (and got a boner from) earlier. Religious people using NDEs as proof that their god exists. I'm going to pretend, for a moment, that I didn't just wipe my drippy asshole with that whole NDE thing. Let's pretend that it all totally makes perfect sense and it absolutely proves that there's an afterlife.

So, a couple of points here.

First of all, proof that there is life after death is NOT proof that there is a god of any kind. Our ability to survive physical death in some spiritual form would only prove that we have a very insufficient definition of what "death" is. Which leads me to my second point.

Second, it's not an "afterlife" or "life after death." It's just more LIFE, you idiot. If you still exist, you are not DEAD! So if the human consciousness is a seperate part of us that continues to exist when our physical bodies stop working, then guess what asshole, that means you don't fucking DIE when your body stops functioning. It means that you enter a new stage of LIFE!

Human Life Cycle
• Conception
• Gestation
• Infancy
• Childhood
• Adolescence
• Adulthood
• Senescence ("old age")
Death
• Non-corporeal ("spiritual") existance

Congratulations, assface. By proving that there's "life after death" all you've really done is prove that we've been calling "death" the wrong goddamn thing all these years and that, in fact, people DON'T actually DIE.

I'm perfectly willing to concede that you may be right. It's *possible* that human life does not actually end when we think it does. But even if that's the case, whatever comes after our heart stops pumping and our neurons stop firing is not "life after death." Since you didn't stop existing, then you never died, so there is no "after death" just more "life." I'd go so far as to say that any sort of so-called "afterlife" would be a natural phenomenon that evolved right along with us, not any fucking supernatural pie-in-the-sky bullshit. And none of it - not one fucking shred of it - makes even one step in the direction of proving that God is real.

Yes, it really is fascinating that millions of people all experienced the same thing when they died or came close to dying. It's also fascinating that millions of people all laugh when they watch George Carlin telling a joke. You dumb fucks, let me save you another 40 years worth of research, ok? The brains of most people tend to react in the same way to the exact same stimulus. DYING is a common stimulus; the one thing all NDE victims had in common was that they all fucking died! Obviously the brain has a pretty standard response to dying.

Look, I'm a nice guy. I have all the answers here and you guys can't figured out (after 40 years) that oxygen-deprived brains flooded with adrenaline might cause hallucinations. So I'm just gonna go ahead and do something I don't normally like to do. I'm going to share my vast intellect and solve all these stupid "problems" that you silly little primates don't seem to be able to solve on your on. Each little detail. Ready? Here we go:

Quandry: Floating outside the body and looking down on one's self.
Solution: I had that dream just last night, you fucking retard. I wasn't "astral projecting" and neither were you.

Quandry: Life flashing before one's eyes
Solution: I read a rather beautiful theory of why this might be. I like it so much, I'm gonna go with it. Your survival instinct is kicked into super-uber-mega-ultra-HOLYFUCK mode. Your brain, in its most desperate and panicked moment ever, does the world's fastest Google search. Every memory its ever stored is accessed at lightning speed in a vain attempt to find a solution. The brain, powered by a survival instinct that's about to lose, is looking under every nook and cranny in your life to find something - anything - to get out of this whole dying thing. Your "life flashing before your eyes" is you witnessing your brain's last ditch effort to cling to life. Put simply, it's your brain using every ounce of speed and raw processing power it has all at once to drudge up everything it knows. It's the last gasp of your synapses fighting back against the spector of grim death. It lost. You got brought back by science. Fuck your brain!

Quandry: The tunnel with the brilliant light at the end
Solution: Congratulations, your brain just hit the wall - Memory #1: Welcome to the birth canal! Or, at least, your memory's flawed perception of it. Given the fact that you had absolutely no frame of reference upon which to judge what you were seeing (and no ability to judge what you were seeing (and, actually, eyes that could barely fucking see what you were seeing)), it's a pretty good representation! Yes, the memory of your birth actually IS locked away in there somewhere. Now, truthfully, I don't KNOW that this is where the tunnel with the light comes from, but it's a common theory among skeptics and it makes sense given the explanation for why your life flashes before your eyes. Once your brain has exhausted its supply of memories, you're stuck back at the beginning.

Quandry: Dead relatives, Jesus, etc.
Solution: You're fucking hallucinating, dumbshit. Your brain knows it's dead. What the hell else are you going to see when you're dead? Of course your brain's last dumbshit imagining is of what your culture views as "the afterlife." Even to an atheist, this is the case. If an atheist's brain realizes it's dead, it's going to percieve what it thinks it should be percieving in this situation. Y'know, kinda like exactly how your fucking brain always works in every situation. Yes, your brain ALWAYS fills in the gaps in its collected data with whatever it *expects* to be in those gaps. You don't usually notice because it usually gets it pretty much right, but not always. How the fuck do you think optical illusions work?


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