In a society in which it is a moral offense to be different from your neighbor your only escape is never to let them find out.
-Robert A. Heinlein
Lord Galen
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Bark
July 27, 2012


I have 3 dogs. First came Smokey, a Lab-Chow mix, who was so named because she looked like a cute little "smokey bear" when we first got her as a rescue puppy from the shelter. Next came Bandit, a black Lab, who got his name because, well duh, "Smokey and the Bandit." But the one I'm going to be talking about in this rant is my 3rd dog, Butkis. Two years ago, my wife's best friend was killed in a 4-wheeler accident. The one thing of hers that nobody wanted was her smelly mutt of a dog. Except for my wife, that is. Animal lover that she is, we'd have a house full of fucking strays if she had her way. But, it seemed to make sense to me that we should save her best friend's dog. So we inherited Butkis, whose mother was a bulldog and father was some kind of mutt we don't even have a clue about. The origins of his name are a complete mystery to us, though I can only assume he was named after football legend Dick Butkis.

I hated Butkis almost immediately. My dogs, you see, are well trained and obedient (thanks to many hours of watching The Dog Whisperer, lol). Butkis was the opposite and when he came he brought only problems. After two years, he's much better. We still have to keep him seperated from the other two dogs while they're in the house. They all get along fine outside, but if we let them get together indoors, a 3-way Battle Royale breaks out.

At this point, you may be wondering why the fuck I'm talking about my troublesome mutt as the opening to a rant. It's because this damn stupid dog has just inspired me.

I was sitting outside having a smoke and watching the great brown dumbass run around. He'd been in the house for a while, so I took him out so he could piss all over everything, as dogs do. He runs around and starts barking at absolutely nothing. Seriously, nothing at all. He does this shit all the time. He'll just start barking and sounding aggressive as fuck for no goddamn reason.

Then, of course, every other dog in the neighborhood starts barking too. Why? Because they heard Butkis bark, that's why. They don't know what the fuck they're barking about, but damnit if some other dog is barking that much, there must be something to raise hell over!

And that's when it hit me. Now I know why I've always hated this fucking dog so much. It's not that he's just any old dumb dog. Oh no, apparently he's quite the intelligent dog. I say he's very intelligent because he acts so very very human.

This is what human beings do, you see. All the fucking time. One starts raising holy jumped-up Christ-fucking hell about absolutely nothing and then all the other knuckle-dragging morons hear it and start going apeshit too. What are they bitching about? They don't fucking know! I mean, they must think they have a clue, but FUCK! I'm sure all the other dogs in my neighborhood think they have some idea as to why Butkis is going completely gorilla-dick in our backyard, but it turns out that even Butkis himself doesn't really know what's going on! He just got some retarded notion in his head that the fucking grass or his shadow or an ant or the wind or who-the-fuck-knows-what needs to get a stern goddamn talking-to, so he lets rip. I'm sure he probably thinks it's justified, but it's really just dumb. He doesn't know it's dumb, though. Only a superior mind can observe his behavior and that of the other dogs to really discern what's going on there (stupidity).

And that's the human race for ya! Pastor A or Politician B or fucking Rockstar C starts going monkey-tits over something that they think is worth losing their shit about that's probably not even fucking true anyway, but since everybody else hears this one dude scrambling his fucking bananas over it, they all start laying down track for the Dumbfuck Express to blast its way through their brains!

WOO WOOOOOOOOOOO! ALL ABOARD, COCKBENDERS!

You need an example? Of course you need an example! Here's a good one: They motherfucking "tea party." Why did they originally form? Because somebody told them that Obama was taxing them into obllivion and they were fucking pissed and not going to take that shit! If any of them had bothered to investigate the barking before imitating it, they might have discovered that President Obama is responsible for lowering tax rates all over the place (unless you're rich and nobody gives a fuck about them). At this point, with all the retarded misinformation out there, it's hard to actually find the truth unless you go digging through public records online (which I did). What this means is that now it's too late for most people to even discover the truth. In other words, all the dogs in the neighborhood have been barking for the last three hours. Nobody knows which dog started it anymore, but we all just wish they'd shut the fuck up because they're barking at motherfucking nothing!

That was just one example, of course. If you'd like an example that makes the Political Left look bad, then just hang on a second and I'll give you my middle finger because fuck you, that's why. Hahaha, no, but really, I got 2 words for ya: Gun control. Enough said. Oh, you don't think that makes the Left look stupid? Then would you like to guess which litmus test you just flunked, jackass?

These examples are beside the point anyway. I've ranted about how stupid lots of things are, but the subject of this rant is really one that ties it all together. That one defining characteristic for SO MUCH stupid human behavior: Barking at not a damn thing because you heard somebody else bark at absolutely nothing first. Just another way that you're all idiots.

I think I like this jackass dog a lot more now that I've realized what's wrong with him. He acts like a person instead of a dog. Dogs are preferable. People are shit.


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