Fear is a place where you just tell the truth.
-Clive Barker 		Lord Galen
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Ex Problems
November 25, 2012


Dear Galen


My problems began all the way back in April, where I got back together with my ex-girlfriend. We both got on very well during the course of our relationship, until the 17th of April, where my girlfriend broke up with me, stating that she just didn't love me anymore. Seeing as I was not used to being dumped, I fell back into a cycle of "depression", where I lashed out at my ex for breaking up me, and unfortunately, I believe this was perhaps what led me to go on and make some VERY big mistakes.

My first fuck-up happened 2 months ago, where I received a text message from my ex, claiming that she wanted to start trading explicit pictures of ourselves with me and so she started asking for pictures of an explicit nature. Being the gullible idiot I am, I sent her some explicit pictures of me in an intimate position, only to find out the next morning that my "friends" had actually posed to be my ex in order to play a prank on me. When my ex did find out about the pictures, and then said she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. So, I tried to cut her out of my life, to move on to someone else, but with little success.

However, a month after the incident, she messaged me on Facebook, where she said that she had forgiven me for my part in the incident, also saying that she wanted to be friends again. I then accepted her request, hoping that I could make amends for what I did. But during the weekend, when we were talking to each other online, she started to talk about how she had heard about me fantasizing about her and her friends in various sexual scenarios. I replied that it was normal for teenage boys to fantasize about these things, even if they are in the form of dirty fantasies. After a short silence, she messaged me, saying: "surprise me".

So I did. By sending her a Fifty Shades fantasy involving me and her. After I had sent the sex story to her, one of her friends messaged me, asking for some more stories. I eventually wound up sending her about 5 Fifty Shades stories, each involving me and various people in the school.

On Monday, after school, my ex called me to inform me that she had reported me to the head of year. (She then went on to report me to the headteacher and the police for sexual harassment.) I was given a verbal reprimand by the head of year, who proceeded to rant on how I could have been thrown in jail for what I did if I was an adult. I was thrown into withdrawal for the rest of the day, and I got switched classes so as not to have any contact with my ex. A few days later, the police charged me under the Malicious Communications Act, and almost got put on a sex offenders registry.

And to top it all off, I was told not to message my ex again, so as to avoid any further conflict.

Not a day goes by where I don't wish I had acted differently, than I had perhaps thought twice about doing any of this. Now I just want to move on from all this. I don't want to be a source of any further pain for my ex and her friends anymore. I don't want to be a blight on their lives anymore, which is why I came to you for advice.

What should I do? Should I just leave it be? Or should I try to make amends?

I honestly don't know what to do anymore, and any advice (or criticism), no matter how small, would be most helpful.

Signed,
[name removed]


Dear Victim,

Yes, victim. I call you that because, if your side of this story can be believed, then you are entirely the victim here. I'm sure your ex might paint a different picture, but I have only your side to go by and if that fucking cunt wants to tell her side then she can email me too. From what I see, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You were ASKED to send those "malicious communications." ASKED. They weren't malicious because they were REQUESTED from you. Does your ex also call sex lines and then try to charge them for talking dirty to her? I bet she does!

The advice here is really very simple. You need to forget that that fucking bitch ever even existed. She did what many women do. She tricked you into looking like the bad guy, probably to "get back at you" for some imagined wrong you did to her (like how you didn't always treat her like a goddamn spoiled princess every second of her life).

So yeah, forget that bitch even exists and move on. You don't need to make amends because you didn't fucking do anything. Typical dumb cunt behavior. She fucks you over and has YOU feeling like it's your fault and you did something wrong. Man, FUCK HER! You did nothing wrong and the only amends that need to be made here are for her and her dumb asshole friends to go amend their smelly crab-infested twats right off a fucking cliff!

You stand tall, my brother. You stand tall and hold your head up high. You did nothing wrong and your wannabe feminazi school personnel can suck my dick in Hell too! Same goes for those cops that tried to put you on the sex offender registry. Oh, so now it's a sex offence to send girls dirty stories when they fucking ask you to? Fucking dirty pigs!

You listen to me, young fella (I'm gettin' all "Old Man Galen" on your ass right now, boy). Don't ever put shit in writing again. Don't ever sext or any of that shit either. Cuz if a bitch can fucking lie and make you look bad, then everybody is gonna believe HER sorry lying ass, not you! Oh no, in our society, men are the uncontrollable assholes who only think with their dicks and WE need to be told to behave ourselves. FUCK THAT NOISE!!!!

You still listening? Good. Forget her, forget your Head of Year, forget the fucking cops, forget ANYBODY who EVER told you, even for a single second, that you did a single goddamn thing wrong! FORGET all of them and you move right on forward with your life like it never even happened, like a boss!

Now, you also added in the "additional comments" part of the submit form that your ex is now apparently a lesbian and has been put off guys forever (presumably that's your fault). You also mentioned that she's supposed to be a Christian and asked if God is okay with lesbianism.

I'm not gonna comment on what God thinks because God isn't fucking real and so it doesn't make a damn bit of difference what the imaginary opinion of an imaginary Magic Daddy in the sky might or might not be. Fuck God, he can suck a dick too!

As for the whole lesbian thing, here's how that works. It's not a choice, genius. She didn't just fucking decide that men are assholes and you're the worst and because you wrote her dirty stories like she asked you to that she's now done with men and moving on to carpet munching. It doesn't work like that! And since it doesn't work like that, then she is either lying or------

*insert record scratching sound effect here*

Wait just a goddamn minute! Didn't I just get finished telling you to forget she even exists? YES I FUCKING DID! So here's the real advice about her being a lesbian: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT! Least of all YOU! Got that? If she's a lesbian, that's not for you to even waste a single neuron thinking about. If she's a pedonecrozoophile (she molests dead puppies, lol), that is ALSO not something for you to worry about.

SHE DOES NOT EXIST!

Got it? What's her name? We'll pretend it's Cuntface McGee.

"Hey dude, did you hear that Cuntface McGee is a lesbian?"
"Who?"
"Y'know, Cuntface, your ex-girlfriend."
"Dude, I ain't never heard of that bitch, you must be confused."

So take my fucking advice and run with it. Let's pretend I just went back in time to the moment she was born, ran into the delivery room, and drop kicked that baby into a fucking furnace on the moon! She is erased from history and that's the motherfucking end of it!


All My Hate,
Lord Galen


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