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Eat A Bag Of Dicks, Costa Del Mar!
May 2, 2011


A few years ago, I decided to take my credit card and do something I'd always wanted to do. I decided to buy a really nice expensive pair of sunglasses. Now, understand that this isn't just a vanity purchase for me. Nothing superficial about sunglasses when you're fucking photophobic. A good pair of sunglasses, for me, is the difference between sight and blindness in the daylight! Yet, for all the many many many long years I've been alive, I'd always just sufficed with cheap ass glasses.

No, really, I mean CHEAP ass sunglasses. Like, from the dollar store and shit. The last pair I bought were from a fucking gas station. Why? Because cheap is actually BETTER when it comes to photophobia. See, sunglasses aren't made to be too dark anymore. When the lenses are too dark, they keep out visible light which causes your pupils to dialate more, thus letting in a lot more of the invisible (and damaging-to-your-eyes) ultraviolet light. So these days it's considered better to go for a lighter tint with UV protection. Well that's all good and errythang if you're a normally sighted person without a serious aversion to light, but if you DO happen to be one of the rare people with "day blindness" then you're pretty well FUCKED, aren't you?!

Unless you go and get some expensive glasses custom made.....

....Or so I thought.

So I find a damn nice pair of Costa Del Mar designer shades for $130. Only problem is, like all modern sunglasses, they weren't fucking dark enough! Well, hey, I'm no moron! I specifically went to an optician to buy these things so that I could get them tinted darker if it was needed. So, $130 plus an extra $30 to custom tint the fuckers. One hundred and sixty dollars later, I'm walking out of the place with a pair of wrap-around shades with side-shields (that don't look dorky) and are quite possibly the darkest goddamn glasses ever made for non-welding purposes.

And those glorious glasses have served me so well for just under 2 years now. Then one day, while feeding horses, I had them in my pocket and leaned over to pick up a feed bucket. I hear *snap* and immediately freeze, feeling as if a part of me has just snapped. I know that sound. There's nothing else it could be. I just broke my goddamn glasses, didn't I? I open my pocket and take them out... yup. The right arm is snapped off just before where it connects to the frame. A hundred and sixty bucks..... fuck.

So I go back to the optician to get them fixed. Pretty simple fix, it seems. Just replace the damn arm. For designer glasses it's probably gonna be like $80 for just the arm, but whatever. It's not like they're a fashion accesory, these fuckers are IMPORTANT! Sadly, the optician tells me that they can't repair them and I'll have to go through Costa Del Mar to get them fixed.

I fill out their repair form, they tell me to ship the fucking glasses to them. I do all this. Only a few days later, there's a box on my doorstep from Costa Del Mar. You motherfuckers would not BELIEVE how excited I was!

I open the box up to retrieve my glasses and find a letter stating that my glasses were not fixed because they contained "non CDM lenses" and under Florida State law, Costa Del Mar cannot repair prescription lenses. They provided a waiver allowing them to replace my custom tinted lenses with standard Costa Del Mar lenses and advised that if this wasn't what I wanted, I should consult the dealer I bought them from.

I very neatly packed everything back into the little box. Then I calmly closed the box back up. THEN I FUCKING HURLED THAT MOTHERFUCKER ACROSS THE ROOM INTO THE GODDAMN WALL!!!

Prescription lense? PRESCRIPTION LENSES? Since when does painting on a fucking dye solution count as PRESCRIPTION, you no-count fucking cocksucking little WEASELS???

So now my choices are to either fucking superglue my shit back together or... I dunno. Get fucked, maybe?

I sent an e-mail to their repair department, letting them know that they're morons and my lenses are NOT prescription. I asked them if I could just send the broken arm to them and get a replacement for that so that I can fix it MYSELF. I better be careful though, since apparently Florida law says that you have to be a qualified optician to TURN A FUCKING SCREW.

I got a call back from them 2 days later. A lovely message left on my voicemail. They were quite happy to have me call back so that I could place the order for the replacement temples that I wanted. They were referring to the temple guards that shield light from the side. Funny... If I told you that I needed a new arm on my glasses, would YOU assume that I was talking about the goddamn temple shields?

At this point, the rage was all burned out and I was just too fucking frustrated with the INCOMPOTENCE of a major manufacturer. I never bothered calling back. Instead, I worked my own fucking magic:


That's right. I motherfucking superglued that shit back together. That's only like 2 rungs above getting out the duct tape, but fuck it. It's not like I was going to get a PROPER repair done by the people who are SUPPOSED to be supporting their fucking product!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking Costa Del Mar's product at all. These glasses are the best I've ever had (though that's more due to the custom tint job, really). They make good shit, no doubt, and it's completely my own fault for breaking them. But when I'm willing to pay to have this shit FIXED and they refuse to do it and then make up some goddamn fucking bullshit excuse, that just negates ANY AND ALL positive aspects.

So the glue sits for over 24 hours to dry properly. Not taking any chances with these glasses, of course! The next day, I put them back on for the first time. Everything's grea-- HEY WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE! There was a GAP between the left lens and the frame. Upon closer examination it appears that the people at Costa Del Mar - you know, those people who are forbidden by Flordia State law from messing with my "prescription" lenses - had actually fucking removed the lenses and then put them back in (badly).

So you assholes at Costa Del Mar can't FIX my glasses because you're not allowed to fuck with the so-called "prescription" lenses, but you CAN send them back to me UNFIXED after you've DICKED AROUND with and FUCKED UP the lenses that you're not supposed to dick around with??? And isn't the whole purpose of that law supposed to be so that you guys - not licensed opticians - don't do EXACTLY THIS KIND OF SHIT?!?!?!

IF YOU WERE BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW ANYWAY, YOU COULD HAVE AT LEAST FIXED MY SHIT, YOU COCK SUCKING LITTLE DOUCHEBAGS!

Instead, you break the law by fucking with my "prescription" lenses. So, either you don't really give a shit about that law and just want to give me some stupid excuse to get out of doing the repair work, OR you know fully goddamn well that they're NOT prescription lenses (so you weren't breaking any law) and just fucking LIED TO ME to get out of doing the repair work.

And where does that leave me, your "valued customer?" It leaves me having to fix the problem that you were too fucking shitty to fix (the broken arm), as well as fixing the new problem (the improperly placed lens) that YOU FUCKING CREATED! I send my shit off to get fixed and not only does it not get fixed, but you send it back with MORE PROBLEMS!!!!

Well, no worries, because I DID fix the shit. Superglued the arm AND popped out the lens and reinserted it CORRECTLY. You have an entire fucking repair department for your overpriced pieces of plastic, but this one LEGALLY BLIND GUY was able to do what you weren't.

Costa Del Mar, I'd like to invite you and your entire repair department to put on your finest dinner attire, sit down at this big fancy table, grab your fork and knife, put on your little bibs, and then please, as the title of this rant suggests, EAT A BAG OF DICKS, YOU WORTHLESS CUNTS


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