We must question the story logic of having an all-knowing all-powerful God, who creates faulty humans, and then blames them for his own mistakes.
-Gene Roddenberry
Lord Galen
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No Amount Of Software
Is Going To Stop Me Ramming My Hardware
Up Your Ass!
By: iXenomorph  |  March 4, 2010

Hello fellow denizens of the internet. I'm sure a lot of you lead perfectly normal lives and have perfectly happy families and are perfectly content with your everyday businesses and functions. I know also that some of you are less than perfectly happy about your life, and so maybe are perusing random websites to take your mind off the unpleasant parts of real life. But what about you other people, yes, you. The people that look at life everyday with a careful eye, picking out those weaknesses, hypocrisies, and inconsistencies that plague our race? What about those of you, who, not twenty minutes ago, screamed helplessly at the TV after watching a news report that depicted how we had something taken away from us by those people with bigger mouths and smaller minds -- something taken, that constituted such a vitally important portion of ourselves that it went against everything you stood for to see it go? I know that a small minority of you, like me, have gotten so sick of the incompetence and ineptitude and hypocrisy and political agendas and immunity being given to the wrong people and prejudice and loss of rights and WHAT THE FUCK EVER of EVERYTHING IN THE FUCKING REAL WORLD that you have developed a habit of letting your mind wander online, the only brief reprieve in our constantly stagnating, decaying existence. However, I have some unfortunate news. It seems as if the inherent stupidity of humanity has once again struck, ripping a whole through reality so deep that it has torn open the asshole of the cyber world and stuck a big fat fist down our collective cyber rear-ends. Humanity has once again placed its stain upon the few reprieves I have in life, and has left me reeling in shock and despair.

So what exactly am I talking about? DRM. Does that mean anything to you? If you're a gamer, perhaps you've heard of the term. Or if you like working on computers a lot. DRM stands for Digital Rights Management. This term refers to security measures that software developers implement into their work to prevent piracy. On the surface, it's an agreeable measure taken to stop a disagreeable practice. But not this time.

For the past three months, I've been waiting to get my copy of Assassin's Creed 2 by developer Ubisoft through the Steam Game Client on my PC. I'm sure a lot of you know which game I'm talking about. It's a very popular franchise, and this latest installment seemed worth the wait. Until now. About one week ago, just as I was checking my wallet to see if I had enough dough on me to buy it on the release date that was coming up, I was browsing the Steam User forums and stumbled upon the Assassin's Creed user board. What I read. shocked me. Ubisoft was going to release with the game a new form of DRM that, in essence, made the game playable only with a constant internet connection, because the game needed to be constantly validated in accordance with its DRM system. Note: Assassin's Creed 2 is a purely offline game. It fell down to these points:

- The game pauses immediately if your internet connection is dead.
- The game saves all data online, so game progress is kept online as well.
- The game will revert back to the main menu in case of an extended internet disconnection, resulting in a loss of progression.
- The game will be unplayable without a constant internet connection.
- The game is unplayable if Ubisoft game servers are offline for any reason.

What. the. fuck? Why the HELL is a SINGLE PLAYER OFFLINE GAME supposed to have a CONSTANT FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION? First off, the game is sixty fucking dollars. Most PC games are only fifty dollars tops. I'm paying sixty fucking dollars to be treated like a criminal? When the hell Ubisoft dreamed up this brilliant idea confounded me, as surely we're living in the year 2010, presumably a time when logic and reason are predominant over STUPID FUCKING DECISIONS? First off, DRM is not going to stop piracy. It never has in the past. Ever. There's not been one single fucking piece of software created that you cannot find a cracked copy of on a torrent site or some filesharing service. Anyone with a brain should be able to see this; software developers are basically pitching a fight that looks like this:

Software Developer's Programmers - - - Vs - - - THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD

No matter how good of a programming team you have, there's going to be someone on Earth that can crack whatever the fuck you made. That's the rule of thumb. No, fuck, that's just THE RULE. Piracy has existed since fucking ancient times, except back then they stole shit and put them on ships. Nowadays, they steal shit and put them on torrent sites, but it's the same fucking deal morons! Your shitty little DRM scheme is not going to do a god damn thing!

Secondly, WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BUY A LEGIT COPY OF THE GAME NOW, WHEN A CRACKED VERSION IS GOING TO BE RELEASED THAT IS PLAYABLE **WITHOUT** A FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION -- IN A WEEK!? How did this not possibly occur to the geniuses at Ubisoft? Isn't there someone that knows business in there? What about the marketing team? Surely someone can see this rationale. If I live in India or some shit, and my internet drops, why in the fuck would I buy the game I have no chance of playing smoothly? Or, if I live in the USA (which arguably has stable internet for many gamers), what incentive do I have of paying **more** than usual for a game that treats me like a fucking criminal? Instead, I could just wait a week for the cracked version of the game and enjoy it as I see fit. And that's assuming your only issue with Ubisoft's product is monetary. What about people like our Lord Galen here, who have been on dial up for an interminable amount of time? There is a shit ton of people who do not have reliable internet, and implementing this kind of DRM only succeeds in isolating your customers, which, in any business situation, is blatantly stupid.

Oh and of course, we are also held hostage to the functionality of Ubisoft game servers. After all, if they go down, then nobody on Earth would be able to fucking play the game (assuming of course, we're talking about legit copies of the game, hehe). What if Ubisoft servers get DDoS'd out of spite by hackers? Or by anyone? Or what if there's a giant fucking 9.2 magnitude earthquake and it collapses the Ubisoft HQ? Once again, everywhere in the world, everyone possessing a legit copy of Assasin's Creed 2 will be collectively ass-raped. The DRM is stupid, will not stop piracy, and will cut Assassin's Creed sales by a megaton. As if gamers all over the globe were nodding with me in agreement, after reading the forums, I checked the Top Seller's list on Steam, and Assassin's Creed 2 was no longer in the top ten. Hah! Take that you fascist pigs! Your DRM can suck my cock! Greedy software developers are fucking over the gaming industry in way too many ways, releasing sub-par content so they can charge extra customers for "DLC" (Down-Loadable Content), for example -- charging customers for things that should've been in the game already. Just go and look at the Alien Versus Predator forums on Steam, it's the same fucking deal. Apparently, software developers think that by not giving us modding tools and SDK (Software Development Kits -- They usually come with the games so users can create their own content), they can milk money out of us by charging us for more content, that is usually shitty and badly produced. it's the same fucking deal here, Ubisoft has become a greedy little fuck, using "piracy" as an excuse to try and milk customers out of their money. Who would've thought that by giving user's the ability to generate their own content, they extend the life of the game and thus retain a loyal customer base and gaming community, hmm? Dipshits. And it's not like the gaming industry is not profitable. In fact, that's hardly the case. There is so many reputable gaming companies out there that produce quality content and retain a loyal player base, while generating great revenue in the mean time. Look at Blizzard or Valve. They pretty much own half of the gaming populace, and with good reason. There's absolutely NO reason why this DRM should exist.

As if to add icing on this bitter cake, I stumbled upon an article regarding a Ubisoft scandal, where they used pirated content in one of their game patches to fix a problem with another game they produced. The full article is here, I suggest reading it, as its rather funny in a painful way.


Well, that's it from me. I have no intentions of buying Assasin's Creed 2, nor, in fact, any other game that Ubisoft produces unless they remove this DRM. Digital Rights Management -- what an ironic fucking name. They're managing our rights all right, fuck me sideways. I urge the rest of you gamers not to buy this piece of shit, unless you don't mind being herded around like a sheep, in which case, fuck you too.

I'm going to go download a cracked version of the game now purely out of spite, and play it offline in my toilet while I take a giant shit.

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