July 4, 2010
I write to you a lot on this website and need help sorting some things out on this one. Throughout my entire life, my mother has never truly been there for me. She was a drug addict, and she never gave a damn who she hurt. I've had many people guilt trip me by saying, "How can you not love her, she gave birth to you." Or they'll say, "She gave you life." Well she did give me life in the physical sense, but what about actually being a mother? I don't feel any love for her at all, and I don't really want to.
Shit, where was she when I needed to learn the things only a mom can teach their daughter, like how to cook, or fix ripped clothes, or why I started feeling those weird emotions when I started....uh "becoming a woman", if you will. I had to figure out a lot of that out for myself, all by myself, and without any help, especially the "becoming a woman" type of stuff. A lot of things I also taught myself.
Where was she those nights when she said she was just going to the store, but didn't come back for hours at a time? Partying and fucking everything up again, that's where. I would wait up in my room, staring out the window for hours, not sleeping, just waiting for her. She always came back after midnight.
I remember after that, I would always jump in the car with my dad, even if he was just going to the corner store. I knew deep down he'd never leave me, but I couldn't help it, I was literally terrified to be left alone without going with him for about a year after that. That one left some scars, but I'm ok now.
What I'm getting at is that I don't love her, and she doesn't deserve it, and as hard as it is to say, I hate her. What do I say to all the people who try to make me feel bad about hating her? And most importantly, how do I move on from all this crap? That's what's really difficult, because, even though I'm an adult, there are times when I still need a mom, and I don't have one. This is driving me crazy, any advice would be appreciated.
What to tell people is the easy part. It's none of their goddamn business. They had a mom, and probably a loving one too, so they can take their stupid opinion and fuck right off with it. That's exactly what I'd tell them. I'd get immediately hostile. Most people will back down from that.
For the more easy-going answer: "Yeah, sorry, but you just don't have any idea what it was like to grow up with that. I'm glad your mom was such a good mom that it makes you want to defend mothers everywhere, but I didn't have that luxury. And I bet if we were talking about a deadbeat drunk dad who ran out on his kids, you wouldn't be telling me to love him anyway. She's never done anything to endear herself to me and I can't just magically love her because you think I should."
OR, there's the almost-always successful tactic of naming somebody THEY absolutely despise and telling them they should love that person. Turn it around on them; personalize it, so their stupid asses get it!
As for how to move on from all this crap, that's just going to take time and, realistically, it may never happen. You're not likely to ever truly get over something like not having a mother in your life. But I think you'll learn one day that while you may WISH for a good mom and you may WANT to have a mother in your life, you don't actually NEED one. Don't you like the person you are right now? Then, didn't you do just fine without her? You're judging your experience with life by comparison to others who had moms. Don't. Judge your experience by nothing but your own standards. Other people had moms and fucking great for them. You didn't, so a mom isn't part of the equation for your good life.
You're doing just fine without the bitch. Be happy! :)
All My Hate,