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YouTube, A How-To Guide
September 11, 2009

Since finally joining the rest of the world in having broadband Internet, I've done what most everyone else had already done before me. I've enjoyed the benefits of YouTube. However, I have noticed that like many things online, this particular Tube has a thick layer of bullshit. And also like most things (both online and off), it is clear that a tutorial from your god is needed to clear some things up. Since so many of you seem to be having so much trouble doing basic shit on YouTube, I'm here to help you out with this wonderful "How To" guide. After reading this rant, you will be an effective - or at least not entirely fucktarded - YouTuber.

Below, I have outlined in no particular order several bullet points with, of course, actual bullets. Enjoy and get fucking educated.

Hold the camera straight, you moron - Hey, y'know what? Nobody wants to watch your fucking retarded video where you lay the camera down on its side and then get up on the table and dance like a dickface. Maybe if you weren't a fat ugly whore, somebody would actually want to watch you dance on a table, but OOPS your video still sucks because you thought you were being artistic or some shit by turning your camera sideways. Hold the camera straight, you dumb sack of goat shit, or put it the fuck DOWN! If you can't learn to operate a camera at least to the point of understanding this one simple truth...

...then put that fucking camera down and go look through a fucking toilet paper tube so you can pretend to be doing some camera work, cuz that's about ALL you're fucking qualified for, you dumb little piece of shit!

Don't stand in front of a window, lamp, or any other light source. - I could forgive you little dumbshits for this one. I ALMOST could forgive it. I mean, it's not something you'd really think of at first. Whatever light source is providing the lighting for your video should be behind the camera and not visible to the viewer!

I say that I could ALMOST forgive this because I do understand that maybe this isn't general knowledge to most people at first. However, I would think that after filming your pedantic little dipshit song & dance, then watching it, you might just notice that HOLY CRAP THAT LOOKS DUMBTASTIC! But that's a whole other problem which probably deserves its own bullet point, but it's not getting one because who gives a shit. You fucktard don't actually WATCH the videos you make! You record them, you slap them up there, and you go suck an old man's cock thinking you've accomplished something super kewl on the interbutts today. Let's review:

Don't film yourself in front of a window or a lamp. Don't put the camera on the floor facing up at you so you look like a giant cuz DURR HURR you think that's awesome; there's a light above you, dumbass.

The light source should ***NEVER*** be visible on camera! NEVER!

You can't beat anyone up over the internet, idiot. Shut up. - One of my many sockpuppet accounts was actually threatened once. Seriously, I was commenting on some asshole's video and I kept being a dick about it and some random person actually said that I'd better stop or he was gonna kick my ass. I laughed. Everybody that you threaten on YouTube, guess what they do? They laugh. Y'know why? CUZ YOU CAN'T KICK ANYBODY'S ASS ON YOUTUBE, SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MORON!

YouTube Pedo Patrol, please stand the fuck down - If you have so little of a life that you actually spend time watching 500 videos of children dancing every day, you're one of three things.

• One of the hundred or so actual pedophiles on youtube.

• One of the thousand or so who think it's their job to track down every pedophile on youtube.

• One of the hundreds of thousands of people who think it's funny as hell to piss off the members of the 2nd group by pretending to be a pedophile on youtube.

I don't know if you guys in the Pedo Patrol are aware of this, but there are these people online called Trolls. You see, boys and girls, a troll entertains himself by finding your buttons and pushing them, giggling the whole while. A troll will go to the PETA forums and post pictures of himself eating a steak. That same troll will turn around 5 minutes later and go to Meat Freaks International forums pretending to be someone from PETA condemning their lifestyle. Trolls on YouTube have it easy, because all they have to do is find a video of some kid dancing or singing or whatever, post "omg baby ur so hot, will u suck my dick?" and watch as the 500 angry replies roll in. Then, when he's almost finished laughing, one of you "OMG PEDO PATROLZZZORZ!11!" n00bs will start sending him personal messages threatening to track him down, beat his ass, have him arrested, etc, etc. At this point, the troll is doubled over on the floor with tears of laughter streaming from his eyes because no matter how many times he does this, he's always amazed at just how fucking stupid and easily duped you old crones can be.

Now, of course there are real pedophiles on YouTube. I'm not denying that. It's only logical, of course. Whenever you have young children posting vids of themselves shaking their ass to Lady GaGa's "Poker Face" you are bound to have perverts watching it. Lemme tell you a couple of things that pedophiles are doing on YouTube. They're watching videos of children and downloading those videos. They're furiously jacking off to these innocent videos. Now, let me tell you something that they're not doing on YouTube: Commenting on the videos.

Just think about it. Put yourself in their shoes. Sickening, I know, but just run with it for a sec. If you were a pervert and you knew a place where you could get an unlimited supply of videos involving little kids dressed like sluts and shaking their flat barely-existant asses at the camera, would you (a) keep your big mouth shut and enjoy the ride, or (b) shoot your big mouth off and fucking blow your cover?

So, chill out guys. I know you have good intentions and I really do appreciate what you try to do by policing YouTube, but you're not stopping any perverts from seeing anything. All you're doing is making good hard-working people who actually DO protect kids look like fucking morons by being such easily trolled gits. YOU'RE MAKING THE REST OF US LOOK BAD, ASSHOLES! And, frankly, you're the ones hanging out all over kids' channels all day long; if there's anybody on YouTube who looks fucking creepy, it's YOU.

If your camera is a piece of shit that turns even the slightest movement into a blur GTFO youtube. - No, really. I've tried to watch vids where the slightest little movement caused massive blur. I'm talking about people's vlogs where they're sitting in one goddamn spot just talking. And still it's unwatchable! You have no business uploading videos shot with that pathetic peice of shit Fisher Price "My First Webcam" you got for your 6th birthday back in 1997. Get the fuck out.

A vid taken with your camera phone is not an "exclusive" capture of an event - So I was watching various videos of a Stargate convention and I come across this "exclusive" video of a Q&A session with some of the stars of SG-1 and Atlantis. I start watching it and what do I find? Someone's fucking cell phone video taken from the audience. Y'know what you can't fucking do with a cell phone? Hold it steady enough to get decent footage. Y'know what else a cell phone can't do? Filter out the interference from the sound system at the event. I couldn't understand one single fucking word. And that's worth exactly WHAT to anybody? You can't call your video an amazing exclusive one-of-a-kind video of something if nobody can fucking hear what's going on and can barely see what's going on. You don't have an exclusive, you have a pile of unwatchable shit. Throw that fucking phone away and go piss yourself, moron.

It's a video sharing site, not a Power Point sharing site - If you've ever posted a fucking slideshow on YouTube, you're an idiot. If I wanted to look at a slideshow of pictures, I could've done that over dial-up in 1995, asshole. Nobody thinks you're fucking clever for making a slideshow and having 60 different cutesy little bullshit transitions between slides. We've all seen it a thousand times before. Thank you for translating the functions of a fucking screensaver or Power Point presentation into video format for us all to puke at, you stupid little shit-slinging ape.

PROTIP: There's an amazing button that can tell the recording process to just hold on for a minute - Perhaps you've never seen one before. Allow me to help you.

The double-bar || symbol representing "pause" became an industry standard in 1973 under the IEC417 Graphical symbols for use on equipment document formulated by the International Electrotechnical Commission in Geneva. The symbol, however, can be found on magnetic tape systems as far back as 1965 (and possibly earlier). Just from my own memories, I can recall the pause button's first appearance in my life being the early 80s with the rise of cassette tapes (yes, kids, I can remember pre-cassette things like 8-track tapes and even records from my childhood, it's sad to be so old, please some hot chick come and sponge-bath me......... yes, I'll wait while you fucking Google to see what an 8-track is....).

What's the point of this history lesson? The point is to make you aware of the fact that the motherfucking pause button has been around a long goddamn time and at this point, every single person living and breathing in the industrialized world should be able to recognize it and use it. This being the case, I have to wonder why I often find myself fast-fowarding through YouTube videos where somebody says "hold on a minute" and leaves the fucking room (lol wut)! Yes, there are apparently people out there so goddamn stupid and unfamiliar with the operation of a basic thing like the PAUSE button that they just get up and leave the room, leaving their viewers to stare at an empty room until they get pissed and unsubcribe from that particular retard's channel.

The pause button is your friend. Live it, love it, FUCKING USE IT OR DIE IN A FIRE, CUNT!

Unless you have Parkinson's or Tourette's, there's no excuse for shaking the camera, dipshit - I know that every halfwit assgobler on YouTube thinks that having an account there makes them super awesome funtime fucking movie producers/directors/special effects guros. I know you think this, but you're WRONG. Case in point: The shakey camera. You've all seen plenty of movies where the shakey camera or a sudden jerky camera movement is used to dramatic effect. The shaking camera made the Blair Witch project seem realistic (shitty, but at least it was realistic looking shit). The sudden whip-around of the camera was something you could play drinking games with during the entire run of Battlestar Galactica. And Cloverfield.... was Cloverfield. Anyway, my point is that Hollywood does indeed love their shakey cameras. This has apparently given the YouTube dicknozzles the funny idea that if Hollywood can do it and make it look cool, so can they!

I will say this once and only once, so pay attention:


ATTENTION YOUTUBERS: There's a trick to doing the shakey camera thing and making it not look like shit! Hollywood knows the trick. You don't.

Don't feel bad, I don't know the trick either. If I shake the camera around, it comes out like shit for me too, just like it does for you. This is why I don't try it and now it's time for you to fucking stop it too.

That's now 3 seperate bullet points I've had to make on how to hold and operate the camera. Maybe if you needed to be told these things, you shouldn't be operating a goddamn camera in the first place. Maybe that's the reason why all your subscribers are men and the most viewed video you have is that time you "dropped it like it's hot" to the tune of Flo-Rida's "Low" because the only thing worth a damn in your videos is your ass. Which makes sense in a weird cosmic sorta way, since your ass seems to be the very place where you've pulled most of your videos from. I'd comment on how ironic that is, but it's not, and the fact that you incorrectly use the word "ironic" 50 times a day is another reason for you to do the world a favor and put one of these bullet points in your skull.

In closing, I'd like to offer one final peice of advice. EDIT YOUR SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER! No, it didn't need to be made a bullet point, but it probably is the most important thing I've said in this rant. Now, I'm not a big bad YouTuber, but I do have a "podcast" that gets more listeners than your shitty channel gets viewers and I consider my "podcast" to be pretty low quality indeed. The difference between you and I is that I edit my shit. I don't just talk into the mic and then upload whatever the fuck I recorded. I spend at least 2 to 3 times longer editing an episode of Sniper Radio than I actually spent recording it. Every 30 minute Sniper Radio that's up took me at least an hour (usually an hour and a half to two hours) to post-edit. I listen to the ENTIRE THING and as I'm listening I remove annoying things. I remove pauses in my speech. I remove a ton of "Uh..." and "Um..." I remove coughs, sneezes, beeps, various environmental noises. If I pause too long between words, I remove some of the dead air. I spend a LOT of time and effort making sure that my product is not a complete pile of goddamn cow shit before I put it out there on the web where it's representing me! Now, Sniper Radio isn't the best thing out there. It's certainly not the best quality, and it's production values leave a lot to be desired, but at least it has SOME quality, and it least I DO HAVE production values!

You take a look at all the most popular people on YouTube. Does Michael Buckley sit in front of a fucking window and shake the camera around? Davedays has a lot of movement in his videos (seeing as they're mostly music videos), but do you see blurry fucking bullshit and stupid ass 90 degree angles? Even the most loved/hated asshole on YouTube, Fred, doesn't violate the rules I've laid out here. Now, if you're one of those people who considers Fred a retard, then you might wanna just shut the fuck up about him from now on, considering that he's smarter and more qualified to operate a camera anything than your stupid ass!

The next shitty YouTuber you see, spam their comments section with a link to this rant. Some people apparently need to be told these simple common-sense things.

PS - Oh yeah, and a final thought for the YouTube Pedo Patrol: Calling me a pedophile because I think you're idiots is exactly the kind of predictable thing I expect from you, so please do prove me right and do exactly that. Thanks!

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