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Universal Healthcare
September 13, 2009


Alright, I've sat back long enough and listened the gigantic dickheads on both sides of this debate babble on and on and on, both sides being so full of fucking horseshit that I can't believe the rest of you aren't seeing right through it all. But I was staying quiet about it, because I generally stick to the notion that if something is shitty (like our current healthcare system is) and people are too fucking stupid to change it, then they deserve to keep their festering pile of shit.

But now I'm pissed. I'm sitting there watching motherfucking iCarly on Nickelodeon (the show's funny, STFU) and some commercials came on. I was getting up to leave the room and heard "CITZEN'S ALERT! Obama and the democrats are trying to force socialized medicine on you!" I stopped dead in my tracks, mouth agape, as the commercial continued on into a diatribe where it listed pretty much every completely bullshit thing that I've ever heard about socialized healthcare as if it were well-proven facts. They ended with the lovely parting line that "Obama and the Democrats" (sounds like a 70s acid band) don't want socialized medicine to help you, they want it so they can be able to control you. So, as I said, now I'm pissed. I mean, on the one hand I really do have to admire the sheer brass balls that it takes to just stand there and fucking LIE like goddamn dogs, but on the other hand... no, no I really don't have to admire it, because a fair chunk of you FUCKING RETARDS completely buy every word they said, without question. So I'm here to set a few things straight.

Before I start, however, I want to get something clear. I'm not a Democrat. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a Libertarian. I'm not an Independant. I'm not ANY of those fucking retarded labels you might be tempted to slap on me so that you can easily dismiss what I say. No, fuck you, you can either sit here and listen or click the Close button and admit that you just flat-out don't wanna hear this. I'm not liberal, I'm not conservative, nothing. All of those people who slap those labels on themselves are usually fucking pathetic groupthink morons and the only difference between any of them is that they believe in seperate piles of shit. One group rolls around in a giant pile of elephant shit and feeds it lovingly to their followers, while the other group rolls around in donkey shit and feeds it lovingly to their followers. And while a pile of donkey shit may be a smaller pile than a pile of elephant shit, it tastes just as fucking bad and is just as hard to swallow with a smile on your face. So, full disclosure, I'm going to state right now that I'm in favor of socialized medicine. If the only response you're going to have to what I write is "OMG what a pile of liberal propoganda! LIBERAL LIES!!111!" then I want you to get the fuck off my website right now. I want only people with goddamn brains reading this and if a Guilt by Association fallacy is the best thing that's going to pop out of your ass, then just go fuck off right now.

Now that we have that out of the way, let me start clearing up misconceptions.

• The Healthcare debate-- No, we can just stop right there. There IS NO healthcare "debate." Not among our leaders anyway. The only debate is between people debating whether elephant shit or donkey shit tastes better. No. You wanna see what the healthcare debate in Washington looks like? By all means, here ya go:


There's your fucking healthcare "debate" right there. That's a far more accurate and complete picture of it than anything you'll see on any major news network! See, it's not so much a "debate" as a "negotiation." Or, well, the more appropriate word is probably "haggling" but you get my point.

You see, boys and girls, all the things you hear about how great socialized medicine is or how evil socialized medicine is or whatever they're saying is just a load of horseshit. You guys all SAY that you know better than to trust the media, because everybody knows that the media lies to you. You SAY that, but in your mind you add an exception for your favorite media person. Sure, the media lies, BUT NOT BILL O'REILLY, HE'S AWESOME! Of course I know the media is full of shit... EXCEPT FOR RUSH "THE MOTHERFUCKING MAN" LIMBAUGH! And lest the liberal dicks feel left out, let me just point out that Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, and Michael Moore are just as much a team of big fat fucking liars as the conservative broadcasters; they just don't happen to be in my sights this time.

So anyway, you make your fucking exception and you DO trust the media because you don't think of an individual person as "the media." Well what the fuck do you think "the media" IS anyway? Listen, when our news starts coming to us in a mechanical chorus live from a Borg cube, you can start thinking of "the media" as one giant entity. Until then, it's individuals like you and me. Yes, just like you and me. Let me ask you, how many times have you lied to keep your job? Or maybe not lied, but kept your mouth shut? Maybe there was something you knew wasn't right, but hey, you couldn't prove it, so it was none of your business! You just wanna keep your fucking paycheck rolling in, right? Me too. Rush and Bill too. If the executives at Fox News want to push the "SOCIALIZED MEDICINE BAD!" agenda, do you think it matters whether Bill O'Reilly knows that agenda is full of shit or not? Fuck no, he's gonna do what we all do. He's gonna say "yessir, mister bossman, yes indeed!" Despite how I like to make fun of conservative pundits like he and Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, and all those other fun fuckwits, they're still just people and they're just doing their fucking jobs. I don't blame them for that and you shouldn't either. Hell, I do a LOT of things I'd rather NOT be doing in the course of my job, but what I want is irrelevant, because more than anything I DON'T WANT to be without a paycheck in this fucking economy! Little things like EATING are important to me.

The point of all this? Simple, to get you to throw out the idea that there even IS a debate in Washington. There's not and the press is full of shit by convincing you that there is. There's lobbyists and money changing hands, that's all. The reason... hang on... PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO THIS PART, ASSHOLES! The reason that you can't trust a goddamn word you hear about the "healthcare debate" is because the vast majority of the people saying negative things about socialized medicine are the very same people who would lose a fortune if it became reality. And then there's the media, who just fuck with you because a whipped-up and pissed off public equals higher ratings which equals MO' MONEY!

• Countries with socialized medicine are taxed to death. Really? Cuz I took George Bush's advice. He said that if you wanna know how bad the healthcare is in Canada, just ask a Canadian. Thanks to this world wide interbutts thing we have going on here, that's not really hard to do, so I did it. And while I was at it, I ask some people from France, Denmark, and a few other European countries. Guess what I found out? The politicians and the media in the United States seem to be the only people in the fucking world who think these other countries are taxed to death. They seem to be perfectly fine with it. Funny, eh? Who would've ever figured that a bunch of rich old guys who stand to lose millions (billions?) annually would be completely full of shit when it comes to representing the facts about this situation? Oh, that's right, people with a brain figured that.

• It takes forever to get medical treatment and the treatment you do get is shitty. First, before I respond to this, I'd like to ask just how the fuck that's any different than right now. The last time I had to go to the Emergency Room was a few years ago when I thought my wife had food poisoning. Food poisoning! Y'know, that thing that can fucking kill you? We sat in the ER waiting room for three and a half hours! Luckily, she had a kidney stone. Good thing too, or else she might've FUCKING DIED right there in the waiting room! Anyway, allow me to respond to this dumbass statement by quoting a simple fact.

The top 2 countries in the world when it comes to healthcare (according to the World Health Organization) are France and Italy. Guess what type of healthcare system they have? That's right, "socialized." And, the average wait time in a hospital ER in these two countries? Around 45 minutes.

Oh and, by the by, this "greatest country in the world" of ours ranks number 37 on that list. But I'm sure that's just liberal propoganda and not true at all, right? Right. In fact, it's such bullshit, you're not even going to Google it to check for yourself! Hmph!

• We'll be paying for the free healthcare of over 20,000,000 illegal immigrants! You might have a point there. I can easily see how that would suck. I mean, shit, better to let all those little Mexican children just fucking die of the Swine Flu, right? They're not good upstanding Americans like us! And if they wanna live in our country, they better learn to shell out the big bucks for simple procedures just like the rest of us! HAHAHA FUCK THEM! Or we could, y'know, not be bastards.

Here's a nice little tidbit of knowledge that I'd like your fat conservative ass to swallow. There are 2 countries that have universal healthcare that you may have heard a lot about in the news over the last several years. They are Iraq and Afghanistan. Yup, those little terrorist shitholes have socialized medicine too! I bet you knew that already, though, since they ARE horrible evil places and OF COURSE they'd have socialized medicine. Aww, but hang on to that thought for just a few more seconds, cuz I'm about to snatch it out from under you, tubby! Guess where the funding for their universal healthcare system comes from? Oh c'mon, just guess! You give up? Ok, I'll tell you then. It comes from the United States War Fund.

In case you're a little slow, lemme break that one down for ya. Your tax dollars are paying for the citizens of Iraq and Afghanistan to get free healthcare, but NOT paying for you or your family to get free health care.


Yeah, that's how I feel about it too. So maybe paying for our 20,000,000 illegal immigrants doesn't seem so fucking bad stacked up against THAT load of shit, now does it? At least YOU'D be getting free health care TOO! Currently, you're paying for "dem damn fer'ners" and not getting one goddamn thing out of it for yourself. It's hard to believe just how fucking stupid we look right about now, isn't it?

• Healthy people will have to subsidize those who smoke, fatasses, and other generally unhealthy and sicker people. Oh, so you're worried about having things turn out exactly the opposite of the way things are now? Cuz right now, I pay a lot more on my insurance because I smoke and, according to the Congressional Research Service, I've been subsidizing your fucking health costs for a long damn time now, cocksucker!

And yeah, I like that "I'm healthy, so fuck you!" is supposed to be a legitimate point

• The government can't do ANYTHING well, and you want them running our healthcare system?! I'm going to be a complete dick here and just throw out some "liberal propoganda." Bill Maher has already said almost exactly the same thing I would say in response to this, so rather than be accused of ripping him off, I'll just let him respond:

(click play, dumbass)
Get the Flash Player to see this player.


• The lust for profit and healthy competition are what drives prices down. This theory is a lot like communism. It looks good on paper and is great in theory, but in practice the staggering amount of greed clogging up the system prevents things from actually working the way they're supposed to. If you still believe this shit, I don't have any "proof" or a counter-argument for it, except to say that you should move out of your mom's basement and try living in the real world where we have to do things like pay mortgages and spend 3 years paying off a visit to the ER. Maybe with a little experience in how this brilliant theory actually ends up in reality will change your mind. I admit, it SOUNDS like a brilliant argument. Now you must admit that it really ISN'T.

• People will take advantage of the system! Nobody's going to curb their doctor visits or prescription drug use if it's FREE! And nobody should have to, you fucking dick! Why is it that you think we have to "curb" our medical treatment? I thought this was the greatest country in the world. Why do the great citizens of this great nation have to choose between paying the power bill and getting medical treatment? My mother has a crooked pinky on her right hand because she broke it about 15 years ago and never got it set because we couldn't afford a visit to the doctor. She needs a test done right now in relation to her heart condition which she can't get because she doesn't have any fucking insurance and can't afford the test.

Just why the fuck are we expected to sacrifice going to the doctor or getting prescription drugs? What kind of fucked up mentality even THINKS that's an argument? You're right, people will end up going to the doctor when they're worried about their health instead of just saying "well... I don't wanna waste the money on a doctor visit when it's probably noth--"


Fuck you. No, seriously. For even having the goddamn nerve to complain about the possiblity that people might take better care of themselves if it's free, FUCK YOU!

And now for my all-time favorite complaint of the right-wing...

• Just like Social Security, people will start thinking of government-provided health care as a RIGHT. Y'know what... I'm not even going to write a response to that. I think your words speak for themselves. Here in America, nobody has the RIGHT to be healthy. Being healthy is a benefit that we have to pay out the ass for. THAT'S the American way!

That's all of my responses to common healthcare gripes. Oh sure, there's a TON of other arguments against universal healthcare that weren't worth my time. There's even quite a few really GOOD arguments against it, which I'm obviously not going to bother with since they're GOOD arguments! I never said that there aren't any legitimate points against socialized medicine, just that these most common points AREN'T any of those legitimate ones. Because they're fucking stupid. Ya dig?

In closing, I'd like to point out something that I don't think any of you "OMG NOT TEH SOCIALISMZ" freaks have failed to recognize. We ALREADY have a good deal of socialist systems in this country that you use all the fucking time and that you'd be PISSED if anybody tried to privatize them.

Most of you who have children send your kids off to a nice public school. A tax-supported guaranteed free education for everyone. That's socialism. Many of you have probably had to call the police at some point in your life. A tax-support public protection service for everyone. That's socialism. Some of you may have had to call the fire department to save your house or something at some point. Do I need to type out the condescening explanation that that's socialism, or do you get my point now? Cuz, if you still don't get it, I can keep talking down to your dumb ass.

In fact, let's combine those 3 examples I just gave. Let's say your child is riding the school bus (free tax-support transportation to and from the free tax-supported educational institution, lol) when that bus is hit by a tractor-trailer rig and flips over. Now, your child is ok, as are all the other children, but let's look at how things unfold. Several emergency workers are going to be called to the scene. The police will be there to take an accident report. The fire department will be there in case there's any fuel leakage and hence a worry of a fire sparking to life. The ambulance will arrive to take away anyone with even minor injuries. The tow trucks will arrive to clear the roadway and haul off any sufficiently damaged vehicles. Of these 4 services that show up, wouldn't you say that police, fire, and EMS belong in the same category, while the tow truck belongs in another? Well I say you're wrong. Police and fire department belong in one category (the shit you're not going to get a bill for). Ambulance and tow truck belong in another category (the private companies that can bill you). If you honestly don't see anything wrong with the fact that your friendly neighborhood paramedics have more in common with the fucking tow truck drivers than with your police and fire fighters, you need a slap to the head.

My point? Socialism is NOT a synonym for "EVIL!" While I'm on the subject, you morons, socialism is also an entirely different thing than communism or fascism, so please stop using those terms synonymously. We already HAVE plenty of socialist systems working for us every single day that we are perfectly happy with. None of you fuckers are complaining about THAT!

How would you like to get a bill from the police when they have to visit your home? How'd you like to get a surcharge on your next ticket to cover the cost of that officer's labor in writing you up? How about if Cheif Firecrotch of the local fire dept. sends you a bill when he has to drag his ass out of bed at 3am to come hose off your house after your dildo charger overheated?

We already have socialism and you fucking love it. Now STFU and stop pissing all over our parade... comrade.


Update - November 28, 2009: I finally managed to catch that retarded commercial again and was able to see who is responsible for it. Here it is:

(click play, dumbass)
Get the Flash Player to see this player.

This ad campaign is put forth by the U.S. Citzen's Association which seems to have a lovely patriotic sounding name while not representing the viewpoint of the majority of U.S. Citizens! Typical. If you'd like to see their other bullshit ads, this page on their website is packed full of facepalming fun! Enjoy!


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