Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?
-Ernest Gaines
Lord Galen
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Star Trek 2009 Is Shit
November 26, 2009

Judging from reviews and general opinion about the new Star Trek movie, I must be the only one in the world who hated it. Once again proving that I'm the only man on Earth who won't just lay down and swallow dog shit when it's fed to me.

Seriously, how the fuck do you fucking people call this shit GOOD? How do you run around RAVING about this pile of monkey crap? I find myself at a loss for words to describe just how badly this sucked.

For those of you who are saying to yourselves now, "Yes! Galen is finally doing a movie review about a grown-up movie!" I beg to differ. I enjoyed the Spongebob movie more. I enjoyed the fucking Hannah Montana movie more. I'd rather watch "Fools Rush In" and/or "Spanglish" than have to sit through this piece of fucking rotting rhino corpse again! No, seriously. If I've flipping through the channel guide and my choices are "Star Trek 2009" or a Lifetime movie of the week... well, ok, I wouldn't go that damn far, but Trek still really REALLY shit the bed here!

In fact, how DARE those people even call this fucking garbage "Star Trek!" It's an insult to all the awesome Trek that's been produced for the last 43 years. What's WRONG with it, you ask? Well, I'm glad you asked that!

First, let's start with the premise of the entire retarded clusterfuck of a movie. For YEARS I've heard "trekkies" bitch and moan when Trek writers use the Deus Ex Machina of time travel creating alternate timelines. Basically, a great big FUCK YOU to canon, cuz "LOL IT'S AN ALTERNATE REALITY! EVERY MISTAKE WE MAKE OR THING WE CHANGE IS OK CUZ IT'S NOT *REALLY* THE TREK UNIVERSE IT'S AN ALTERNATE ONE! LOLDONGS!" And that's what we get for the ENTIRE movie. The fact that they threw in Leonard Nimoy as Ambassador Spock does *not* make it all okay.

Second, let's look at the technology. In a word: WRONG! Instead of phasers that make the sound of searing the air around them as they're fired, we get fucking Laser Tag™ sound effects!

Even from the ships. Toy gun noises. The Trek09 production team just walked through the fucking Wal-Mart toy department with a tape recorder, pulling the triggers on all the guns that said "Try Me!"

And then there's the "warp drive." Apparently these FUCKING STAR WARS NERDS who worked on this movie don't realize that Warp Drive and goddamn Hyperdrive are NOT THE SAME THING, ASSHOLES! What the Trek09 ships did could be called a few different things: Hyperdrive, Quantum slipstream drive, Jump drive, etc. but it could NOT be fucking called WARP DRIVE! Warp driven ships don't BANG off into the nothingness like a fucking bullet from a gun where they disappear in an instant. There's a buildup, even if just for a second. Hyperdrive, or Jump drive ships, on the other hand, do EXACTLY that, because they travel outside of normal space. Warp drive travels IN normal space.

Listen, I'm not gonna sit here and explain sci-fi tech to you assholes, just take my word for it. The technology belonged in Star Wars, not Star Trek.

Let's move on to actor portrayals. The actor playing Dr. McCoy is the only one who fucking got it right. Kirk? No. Spock? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. Scotty? Well... almost, but not quite. Seriously, they turned spock into a raging dick with mommy issues that would make Freud shit himself and jump off a bridge. That fucktard should stick to being Sylar on Heroes, cuz he's good at that. Playing a Vulcan just ain't his thing.

Yes, yes, I fucking know, the individual actor is going to try to bring their own goddamn flare to the character. They're gonna personalize the character. WELL THAT'S WRONG, YOU FUCKS!

Let's review:

(a) Stupid storyline using the number-one-most-hated-plot-device-EVER.
(b) Stupid technology that is inconsistent with every other Trek film and series ever made.
(c) Stupid acting, period.

Got it now? Good.

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