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Lord Galen
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Hannah Montana The Movie REVIEW
May 11, 2009


I know, I know. "Goddamnit Galen, what the fuck is with you and movie reviews?! The first and only one you've ever done was a review of the fucking Spongebob movie and NOW you're reviewing HANNAH FUCKING MONTANA?! WTF?!" I review movies when I think there's something worth saying about the fucking movie. I don't give your standard review and there's definitely something to be said about the Hannah Montana movie.

First, let me just go ahead and get this out of the way right now. Why the hell did I even watch that fucking movie? I confess.... I like the show. I know, I know, I'm a fucking 30yo man, I shouldn't like Hannah Montana! But keep in mind that I babysat and had a close friendship with a tween girl for 5 or 6 years, so Hannah was part of the equation and it was either enjoy the show or be miserable, cuz not watching it was NOT an option (parents of little girls out there, I know you understand). And it rubbed off on my wife too. Even now that Meg doesn't really come over here anymore, my wife still fucking watches the show. I watch it if it's on, but I certainly don't go out of my way to see it. Anyway, my point is that I watch the show and pretty much keep up with the storyline (what little there is), so I kinda wanted to see the movie. I had the chance to go see it in theaters, but I'd have been the only male (let alone adult male) there. I may be a secure modern man who's in touch with his feminine side, but even I wasn't going to be the lone creepy 30yo sitting in the theater watching Miley Cyrus! That.... and the fact that my wife called me gay for wanting to go with her to see it (we have such a beautiful relationship). So, I bootlegged that fucker from MegaVideo (who's gay now, bitch?! ).

Let me start off by saying that if you haven't seen the movie and aren't at least marginally interested in the TV show, you're not missing anything, so don't bother. If you're like me and can take it or leave it, it's a decent movie. If you're a raging Hannah nutball, well you've already seen it. And, of course, being a raging Hannah nutball, you're a pro at the one thing this movie requires more than all else: suspension of disbelief. I mean, the whole series' premise is fucking impossible to start with. Don't you think if celebrities could have secret identities, they would? But they don't, because they can't, it's impossible you stupid twats! All those years as Hannah and not one stagehand knows her secret and sells it to the tabloids? Not one paparazzi has ever followed her home? BITCH PLEASE! And what about the financial stuff? How the fuck does Hannah Montana get paid when her legal name is Miley Stewart? Wouldn't some accountant or bank teller SOMEWHERE notice something? So yeah, suspension of disbelief is a MUST for any Hannah Montana fan.

The movie starts off with Hannah being a spoiled Hollywood brat. At one point, she's physically fighting with Tyra Banks over a pair of shoes in a store. She's being tailed by this tabloid reporter on her way to Lily's 16th birthday party, so she's stuck as Hannah. She shows up, everybody forms a Hannah flash-mob and she's just ruined her best friend's party and made it all about her. What a bitch.

So anyway, some shit happens and the Dad tricks Miley into being back in Tennessee in the po-dunk little hick town she came from. His plan being to help Miley reconnect with her "good 'ol hometown country girl values." Already, if I don't suspend disbelief, this movie is pissing me off. What the fuck is so goddamn great about being an intentionally ignorant hillbilly? I live in fucking Georgia, I know rednecks. I have family who are more "down home" and "countrified" than anything shown in that damn movie. Trust me, kids, it ain't a lofty goal to be shooting for! But this bullshit fucking movie, aimed at young girls, would have you think differently! Apparently, living a stable and secure life as a rich undercover rock star in California is a horrible life in which you've lost your way and fallen from the path of decentness or something. Much better to chase chickens and step in horse shit for a living. Yeah... RIGHT.

Some bullshit goes on and she starts falling for this fucking cowboy asshole and her dad starts falling for this cowgirl bitch. Well, as usually happens on the show, Mileys big secret just fucking ruins everything. The cowboy finds out accidentally and instead of being like "omg, my girlfriend's a goddamn rich ass hot blonde rock star!" he bitches and moans about her "lying" to him and generally sounds like he's attempting to be the first fucking emo kid in that little town. And of course Robby Ray (the dad) can't tell his cowgirl the truth, so he makes up some shit about how he's just not ready for a relationship and blah blah blah and Miley overhears it and feels even more like shit cuz now she got dumped by the "hot" cowboy AND it's her fault that her dad got dumped by his new bitch.

My problems with all this are myriad. First of all, the cowboy and cowgirl have known Miley and Robby Ray for less than two fucking weeks. Suddenly it's their complete right to be informed of the most closely guarded secret in the family? Wow, 2 weeks and you're entitled to know your girlfriend's deepest secrets or else she's "lying" to you? How 'bout you back the fuck off there, Cowboy Bob. If Miley learned anything in California it should've been to say "Ex-CUUUUSE me? I barely know you, you fucking stalker, go jump down a well! I don't owe you SHIT!"

Yeah, so anyway, Hannah Montana is putting on a big concert to help "save the town" from some developer who wants to come in and build hotels and malls and shit like that. Y'know, the villian of the story since he wants to bring civilization to Bumfucked Egypt. The idea of having to "save the town" from fucking PROGRESS is one that won't be new to anyone who lives in the South. Keeping things exacty as they are, no matter how shitty that may be, is a fine southern tradition and God help you if you suggest ways to make shit better!

Hannah's concert starts and she's singing and feeling like shit about herself because her oppressive little derp-da-durr "culture" has made her feel worthless unless she's shoveling pig shit and living in misery like the rest of them. Suddenly, in the middle of her song, she sees Cowboy Dickface in the audience. She stops singing, looks at him, looks at her dad, looks at dad's cowgirl (that he never even got to ride!) and starts monologueing about how she can't be Hannah anymore. Off comes the wig! Gasps and shock all around. She sings "The Climb" cuz it's all about how life isn't about reaching your goals, but continually struggling towards them. Hear that girls, Hannah wants you to work all your life and never be satisfied with a goddamn thing cuz you gotta keep on climbin' BUT the simple farm life is way better than being a rich and famous pop star! YEE HAWW! If this movie isn't a one-way ticket to schizophrenia for tweenie boppers everywhere.....

And then the big finish. Miley says good-bye and turns to walk off stage when a little girl begs her to stay and keep being Hannah. "We'll keep your secret!" and everybody in the audience (several thousand people) agree. So.... not one single asshole in the whole fucking town? Not a single dickhead who recorded the whole thing on his camera phone and intends to put it on YouTube as soon as he gets home? OH WHAT THE FUCK EVER! Talk about abusing the fuck out of Deus Ex Machina, Jesus tapdancing Christ!

The moral of the story, little girls, is that you'll never reach your goals but you should always work hard for them. Work hard as in bust your ass on a farm or something, because fame and riches are from the devil. But if you SHOULD ever get rich and famous and become an independant strong woman, you absolutely MUST give it ALL up at the first cute boy who demands that you meet his unreasonable expectations and gets pissed off and whiny when you don't.

By the way, the proceeding movie review contained spoilers and revealing plot points. If you didn't want the movie spoiled, you shouldn't have read that shit.


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