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Lord Galen
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I Am Better Than God At Designing Humans
January 1, 2009


If you believe in God and believe that he is the creator of all things, you must have a belief in a pretty shitty architect. Yeah, I know, miracle of life and all that, it's fucking amazing that we can even stand up, let alone do the billion things we do. I know, I know. So maybe God isn't such a terrible designer; maybe it's just that he doesn't finish the job. Lucky for you, I'm here to build a better human. I'm considering branching out and starting my own universe where I can be God (with a capital "G" bitches) and I'll most definately have to improve upon some of God's shoddy craftsmanship.

Fuck off Fat!
The first issue I take with God's design is the circulatory system. After my mom had a heart attack about a year or so ago, I started to wonder why the fuck fat is allowed to stick to the walls of arteries? I mean, if people can design fucking teflon, why can't God make some no-stick artery walls? Shouldn't fat deposits not, y'know, DEPOSIT in your fucking arteries? I mean, the perfect plumbing system is a system where the pipes can't get clogged and shouldn't the plumbing system we depend on for our lives be a little closer to perfect than it is right now?


See that fat right there?
That's right, motherfucker, YOU DON'T!

Your body needs fat to live, so it's not like we could just fucking get rid of fat. So why did God design our bodies so that something we need could fuck it up? Because he's clearly incompotent, that's why. I've now done better and am now better than God.

OM NOM NOM NOM
The next issue I take with the design of our bodies is our stupid fucking immune system. Oh, what, some cells run around looking for intruders and then what? THEN WHAT? They "consume" or "destroy" the intruders. Except it doens't always work. White blood cells don't fight AIDS. Even in the 1% of the world's population that're immune to HIV, it's not because their immune system fights it, it's because of a genetic mutation that makes them lack the part of their cells that the AIDS virus latches on to. What about cancer? You ever seen an immune system fight off some fucking tumors? No, you haven't, because our immune system is a bunch of fucking pussies running around looking to hug a virus to death!

A better way? No more fucking white blood cells. Instead, we have symbiotic little micro-organisms that live inside us and feed off any damn thing that doesn't belong. I don't mean some pussy little bacteria or something, I mean fucking microscopic Langoliers!


AIDS and Cancer just shit themselves

Your immune system doesn't need to know what a fucking disease is, it just needs to know "Hey, I didn't see you here yesterday - FUCKOMNOMNOMNOM!!!!!" An immune system that devours ANY foreign invader is preferable to one that needs to fucking figure out if a particular cell is friendly or not.

"OH SHIT, WHAT ABOUT ORGAN TRANSPLANTS GALEN? LOL!" My immune enforcers will not be stupid. If there was a heart here yesterday and there's a heart here today, it doesn't fucking matter if its cells are foreign or not. In other words, my immune system, being independant living creatures, will know not to eat the underlying structure of their home. My immune system will know this and not be retarded like God's immune system is.

Smoking is no problem
Aren't your lungs supposed to, you know, like, FILTER OUT EVERYTHING THAT'S NOT OXYGEN? And after it filters this shit, isn't it supposed to expel what it didn't need? So if that's what it does, then why the fuck is smoking a problem? I know, there's all those dangerous chemicals and tar and nicotine and whatever in cigarettes. Y'know what's not in cigarettes? Oxygen! So why the fuck isn't the ENTIRE breath full of smoke that I suck down into my lungs kicked back out when I exhale? Why does shit get left behind?

Well, the tar is the reason. Cigarettes contain tar and tar is sticky as hell. I have to clean my monitor pretty often because I smoke right in front of it and, of course, it gets a layer of tar on it. That same shit is caked onto my lungs and stuck in that tar are the chemicals that cause damage to my lungs. Why does my poorly designed body allow this shit to hang around?

The solution: More fucking bio-teflon on the inside of your lungs! Tar doesn't stick and since it was inhaled it can be exhaled. If any tar doesn't get exhaled, it can be absorbed into the blood stream, filtered by the kidneys, and pissed out. Smokers might piss brown, but they won't hack and cough.

Now, I'm not talking about this shit JUST for smoking. Do you know how many things you inhale all the fucking time that're way worse than cigarette smoke? No, you don't, because you're a moron and that's why you have me here to tell you that it's a LOT OF SHIT. Besides just the normal everyday shit, there's also shit you do to yourself by accident. Asbestos, anyone? OH LAWD IS DAT SUM MESOTHELIOMA? Not with my fucking super lungs it's not!

Not that my lung design will let you just be fucking stupid. Years ago, I was cleaning out my bathtub with some bleach. I also decided to use this generic "bathroom cleaner" shit. I knew better than to mix cleaners, but I wasn't paying attention, just said "fuck it" and did it anyway. Durr, guess what fucking generic cleaning product contained ammonia! And for the idiots who're still lost, guess what happens when you mix bleach and ammonia. You get to meet a nice new friend named Mr. Chlorine Gas! Mr. Chlorine Gas doesn't like the wallpaper in your lungs, so he goes in and strips it all away so that you die. Isn't that nice of him? Guess why I survived this friendly encounter: Because I smoke. The layer of tar protected the lining of my lungs and was stripped away instead. I tell this story to emphasize that doing stupid things will still get you killed, even with super lungs. I'm not designing a better human so that my better humans can be idiots.

I must point out that the lungs would also prevent any chemicals from entering the bloodstream via that route. So, sorry potheads, but THC would get exhaled along with everything else that's not oxygen.

Birth control? We don't need no stinkin' birth control!
Put very simply, ejaculation and ovulation should be voluntary functions. A man should be able to have an orgasm without ejaculating unless he INTENDS to ejaculate and a woman should be able to release an egg when she damn well feels like it and not a moment before! God condemns recreational sex, you see, which is why he fucking fails and I am once again proven better than him at this whole design thing. Intelligent design? Not without the intelligence, bitch! With voluntary reproductive systems and an immune system that would have AIDS, herpes, or whatever for lunch (literally), free love can reign supreme!

Call the Foreman to fix this shit!
Everyone's DNA contains the blueprint for how the body is supposed to be constructed, so I've always wondered how birth defects manage to happen. I mean, I can understand that sometimes the construction crew reads the blueprints wrong and they make a stupid lop-sided house, but why doesn't the Site Forman come along, slap them in the fucking head and tell them to fix it?! In my better human body, there will be special cells for this exact purpose. They patroll the body comparing what's there to the blueprint. If something's not right, they fix it. Most birth defects would heal themselves over time and not impact a person's life. Likewise, later in life if you lose a limb or an eye or something, the Foreman should see that the spot where your left foot used to be doesn't match the blueprint and it should be fixed! Yes, humans in my universe can regrow missing body parts! Apparently God wasn't concerned about you putting your eye out by running with scissors. Fuck, I rule!

Female problems are no problem
God, see, is still pissed at Eve over that whole apple thing in the Garden of Eden, so he makes all you bitches suffer for it! Well, I'm not an asshole, so we'll just cut that shit right out. With a voluntary reproductive system, there's really no need for a monthly menstrual cycle, now is there? We'll get rid of that dumb shit and it'll only happen when you ovulate, which is voluntary. When you do choose to have a child, the act of bringing it into the world shouldn't be like picking your nose with a railroad spike. Part of the natural process of labor will be the brain's ability to ignore signals from the pain receptors in that part of the body. Pain free childbirth FOR THE WIN! Losing your virginity also should not hurt and it won't thanks to greater muscle control over your vagina. You'll be able to open that fucker up or clamp it down tight whenever you like, which will not only make letting people in a lot easier, but also helps to get fuckers out! Oh, and don't worry about those yeast infections either; the Langoliers have that one covered as well.

Hello, Wolverine!
Your bones are pretty much made of calcium, right? Well, why the fuck does calcium get to be the only element on the periodic table to join the fucking bone-buliding party? There's one other element that's well suited for this job as well: Titanium. That's right, my perfect humans have goddamn Titanium-plated skeletons! Breaking your bones won't be so much of a problem now! Why the fuck did God use some shitty element like calcium that breaks so damn easily? What a dick!

More organs
My humans will probably be slightly larger than average humans today. Everything will remain proportional, but I need them to be bigger so that I can fit more shit in there. One fucking heart, what the fuck? No, cockslice, let's try TWO hearts! They can work in tandem or take turns or whatever, I don't care. Further, we can three lungs instead of just two. I already know that this works and works well because of the lovely Hensel Twins, Abby and Brittany. They are conjoined twins who, at first glance, appear to be "a two-headed girl." They are actually a one-bodied set of twins (TWO people, one body, not one person with two heads). In that one body, they have (you guessed it) 2 hearts and 3 lungs. If all that heart and lung capacity weren't shared between two people, they'd be fucking killer in a cross-country run! The advantage to my better humans is greater physical endurance than current humans, not to mention redundancy. What if you're shot in the heart? You're kinda fucked unless you have a 2nd heart to keep you going.

And finally, centaurs
The last major improvement I'd make in my own universe would be not so much an improvement to humans as to all species. On my own version of Earth, I would make all species capable of interbreeding. No, not because I'm a sick fuck who's into beastiality, but because there are plenty of sick fucks who're into that shit and it could produce some awesome new animals, like fucking centaurs!


In case you didn't know, centaurs kick ass. So would mermaids and griffins and all other kinda cool shit you could get from different animals interbreeding with each other or humans interbreeding with animals. I could jack off into a clutch of frog eggs and make fucking frog people. What's more badass than that? Nothing, that's what!

In conclusion, I think I have demonstrated that God's designs are sorely lacking and I am way cooler than him. Also, this entire rant was hypothetical, including the hypothetical assumption about Creationism as opposed to Evolution, so please keep your whiny ass butthurt atheist e-mails to yourself. It wouldn't have sounded anywhere near as fucking awesome to say "I can design people better than millions of years worth of accidental genetic mutations." Shut the fuck up and go away.


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