We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-H. L. Mencken
Lord Galen
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Do Not Fuck With My Wheelchair
By: Matt  |  July 28, 2009


Good evening assholes! My name is Matt. For those who don't know, I'm physically disabled and I can't walk very well. I use a wheelchair to get around because I don't feel like getting trampled by half of the people that are running around downtown. Throughout my life, I've dealt with a bunch of people who think it is in some way funny to screw around with my wheelchair. Before I start chewing them out, I have to get this off my chest. The very fact that I've dealt with this crap long enough for me to get off my usually lazy ass and type up a rant for SnipeMe is to be frank, seriously disturbing. That means that there are enough people who can't respect personal property in the world to cause me to type this up and pray that it meets Lord Galen's standards. There are no words in any human language that can adequately convey the degree to which this pisses me off. All of this shit should be common sense. Since it isn't, I'll start with the basics. A wheelchair is a medical device. It isn't a toy and I do not like people messing around with it. Before you start acting like my mother and say "They're just playing around," please read the next few lines very closely. In addition to the fact that I absolutely NEED it to get around, a wheelchair is expensive as holy hell. A new one can cost about as much a used fucking car. Repairs can often cost thousands of dollars. If you think it is funny to fuck around with wheelchair, get off your ass and buy your own. If you can't afford it here are some basic rules

Rule #1: Do not lean on a wheelchair. A wheelchair is not a leaning post. Do not lean on it. Not only is it annoying, it's a gross invasion of my personal space. Imagine if you had to deal with a bunch of random assholes and dipshits coming up to you and randomly leaning on you. It would probably piss you off huh? It pisses me off too so don't do it. If you do, I'll move and watch you fall on your ass.

Rule #2: Do not sit on the back of a wheelchair. I'm actually amazed I have to write this one. It's just so fucking stupid that I can't believe the thought crosses a person's mind. It can bend the wheelchair's handles and it would be a pain in the ass to repair. Hell, I'm not sure it could be repaired. Also, my head is dangerously close to your ass. Calling it uncomfortable for me would be a massive understatement. I will move and you will fall.

Rule #3: Do not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES fuck with the brakes. Apparently, some assholes with the maturity of your average preschooler think it's in some way funny to mess with the brakes of a person's wheelchair. I think the line of logic goes something like this:

"Dur..... Let's put the brakes on this guy's wheelchair! When he tries to move he won't be able to! Huh huh huh"

If that joke and an actual funny joke were two points on a graph, the line between the two wouldn't fit in the universe! Let me make this clear: It isn't funny AND It makes you look like an ignorant dumbfuck! If you touch my brakes, I will break your hand. No pun intended.

Rule #4: Do not move the wheelchair without the owner's permission unless there is an emergency.

Unlike everyone else on this list, I have no real anger towards these guys. I know they're actually trying to be helpful. However, if you just go and move me, it kinda makes me feel like crap. Don't ask me why. It just does. Must be a pride thing or some shit. If you need me to move, all you have to do is ask. If I need help from you, I'll politely ask. Agreed?

Rule #5 Do not let your kid play in my wheelchair unless they get my permission (or you bribe me with a substantial amount of money). I saved these assholes for last because I hate them the most. I'm talking about parents who won't keep their kids in line and act like it's so fucking cute when their kid starts playing around with my wheelchair. In my opinion, the scenario should play out like this :

Kid: * gets in wheelchair when I'm not in it*
Me: Excuse me ma'am your kid is in my wheelchair. It's expensive and I don't like people fooling around with it. Can you please get them out of it?
Parent: That's not yours. * removes kid from wheelchair. *
Me: Thank you.

Unfortunately, most parents aren't this intelligent. This is how the situation usually plays out:

Kid: *gets in wheelchair *
Me: Excuse me ma-
Parent: Hey look at him he looks so cute playing in Matt's wheelchair! Someone get the camera!
Matt: I do not like-
Person (usually mom, sister, or dad): Relax he's only playing around!

And this is typically the point where everyone says I'M the bad guy. They've gotta be the biggest argument for a mandatory sterilization policy I've ever fucking seen! We all know if the kid started playing around with some of their parents' expensive shit, they'd start wailing on the kid's ass.

Parents, I don't give two shits if you think your kids look cute playing in my wheelchair. In fact, if I gave a shit about your opinion AT ALL, I wouldn't be typing this. The truth of the matter is that you are an unfit parent! Do you want to know why? When you let your kid play with a person's wheelchair without the owner's permission, you are teaching them the following things:

A. That it's ok to screw around with people's shit if it makes someone else laugh or say that they're cute.
B. That people with disabilities don't have the same rights to personal property that everyone else does.

If you think I'm reading too deep into this shit, please reread rules 1, 2, and 3. If parents would step the fuck up, do their fucking jobs, and teach their kids to respect other people's property regardless of the owner's physical ability, I probably wouldn't have to deal with people getting into my personal space and screwing with my brakes all the time.

I'm not asking people to move the world here. I'm just asking you all to give me the same respect I (often grudgingly) give you.

Thank you and good night.


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