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Lord Galen
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Guess How Many Fingers I'M Holding Up!
By: Jordan  |  July 10, 2009


For those readers who don't know, I'm legally blind. I've been that way as long as I can remember, and I'm alright with it. I still have a little vision left, and I can still read, write, operate a computer, and move around my home without seeming like the helpless people you see on so many hallmark movies. The fact of the matter is, in the loss of proper eyeballs, you have to grow an extremely good set of MAN balls. So, if you think this is going to be some Münchhausen-esque sob story, then get the fuck out. I don't want your sympathy.

Now, with the territory of being visually impaired (read: blind as a bat) comes the responsibility of educating those individuals not lucky enough to evolve past the need for sight. I got questions when I carried a cane, and I sure as hell get questions now that I have a dog.

"What's the dog's name?"
"Can I pet him?"
"Are you training him?"

These are legitimate questions, which I am usually more than happy to answer. However, there are some phrases and questions I would like to ask you sighted motherfuckers not to use.

"Gee, you don't LOOK blind!"

Gee, really? I'm so fortunate not to look like Ray fucking Charles or Stevie fucking Wonder. What threw you off? No tire-rubber-colored glasses? Am I not looking in an awkward direction that isn't at you? Am I not squinting enough? Or are you just so stupid that you can't fathom the possibility between totally blind, and legally blind? Leave me the fuck alone. Turn the damn television off, and go examine the world.

"Can you still drive?"

I should HOPE the FUCK NOT! Then again, I could still navigate the streets better than most of you idiots.

"You know, I have an uncle who's blind!"

Well, I'm glad. Good for you. I kind of envy him since he probably has a better tolerance for you than I do. I realize you're trying to relate to me, but you're a random fucking stranger. I don't know you! I'm not going to get teary eyed and ask to be your friend because you have a relative who's blind! Would you walk up to a random black person and say "Hey! You're black! I have a black friend!"? No, you wouldn't, because any half decent person regardless of color would kick you square in the nuts.

"Do you need some help?"

Now, while there ARE times when I genuinely need the assistance of a random stranger, these times are few and very far between. If I need you to help me, I'll ask. And for fuck's sake, don't grab me by the arm to take me across the street. There's at least one person out there who knows grabbing a random person by the arm can get you slammed to the ground faster than the fuck in his car on a cell phone can say "can you hear me now!"

"Gosh, if I were to lose my sight, I'd be so sad!"
or the ever popular
"If I went blind I'd kill myself!"

Fuck you. Grow a set of fucking balls. Blind doesn't mean helpless. It doesn't mean retarded, it doesn't mean doomed to an empty life. It means you can live your live, business as usual, but without sight. I swear, if one more person tells me that life isn't worth living without sight, I'm going to gouge out their eyeballs, and skull fuck em to death. Life is GREAT! It's amazing even without sight! I can still experience love, friendship, fine food, sex, travel, and a shit-ton of other things that YOU might take for granted.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

I am not your fucking test monkey. I don't do tricks, and unless I've been hit on the head with a sledgehammer, this concussion diagnoses tool should be kept silent. The last time someone asked me this, I answered "two, now guess how many I'M holding up?" and raised my middle finger. I'm sorry folks, but this stupid gesture isn't going to cure anything. It's not helpful, and it isn't nice.

There. With these tools, at least one of you people will not piss off a random person with any number of eye problems. So help me god, if one more person asks me any of these stupid questions, or makes a dumb remark, I'm going to carve the link to this rant into their face backwards so they can read it in the fucking mirror.

And one more thing, don't touch the fucking dog.


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