Insanity in individuals is something rare; but in groups, parties, nations, and epochs it is the rule.
-Nietzsche
Lord Galen
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Confused about Mom
July 2, 2009


Dear Galen


Please help me, I have be upset lately because of my mom. It feels like since I've started to mature she has become more distant. She doesn't like it when i try to hug or touch her, she always seems angry or in a foul mood when I'm around(Well actually she's like that all the time so i don't know if it counts.) I cant remember the last time she has said she loves me or has said anything nice about me or anyone for that matter.

I always feel like I'm a burden or i just annoy her all the time and whenever i talk to her and it makes me feel depressed. I would like this feeling to go away. You gave good advice on "Mother Daughter" relationships before so i thought you could help me in some way.

Signed,
Confused.


Dear Confused,

I'm not at all sure where you got this idea that I give good "mother daughter" advice. I have never been either a mother or a daughter and therefore have no practical experience from either perspective. But of course I am a god, and while we gods may not actually be perfect, I imagine that my "best guess" at solving your problem is 500 times better than what most people think they fucking "know" so here goes.

The term for what you are experiencing is "growing pains."


LOL, ok but really.... Tracy Gold was fucking hot! SORRY, sorry, back to your problem.

In all seriousness, "growing pains" are exactly what's going on here. Here's how it works. You start out life as a tiny little helpless thing that is completely dependant on your parent(s) for absolutely everything. Because of this, for the first part of your life, you probably did what most children do and that is display unconditional love for your parents. Well, the unconditional love of a child is like a drug and parents get addicted to it. But as you get older and start developing a mind of your own, unconditional love falls by the wayside. Oh you still love your parents. Even people who hate their parents still love their parents; after all, you could not possibly have so much hate for someone without having a lot of love for them first. But the love you now have for your parents is a more "grown up" type of love. It's the love they get from siblings or their own parents or their spouse. What's it NOT (anymore) is the unmatched drug of love that comes from a child who looks up to you. There's also nothing to compare to the unmatched love that a parent gives back to their child. You changed. That's all there is to it. You changed and that took the drug away. The concept of "growing pains" are mostly just the withdrawal symptoms that you and your parents go through from having the drug taken away. You're writing me now because of those symptoms. You're feeling emotionally hurt, pushed aside, lonely, unloved, and forgotten. It might surprise you to know that your mother probably feels the same way. Her sweet little girl doesn't depend on her for every last thing anymore. You have a mind of your own and thoughts and feelings to explore on your own, without her.

This is the natural order of things in the modern family dynamic. Don't let it freak you out too badly. I don't know of anyone who was spared this pain growing up. I certainly wasn't. Seriously, during my teenage years, I fucking despised my dad. I mean, I hated his fucking guts. And while I know he'd never admit it (cuz he's a dad and no dad should ever admit this to their child), I'm pretty sure he fucking hated my ass too! But why so much hate? The stronger the drug, the harder the withdrawal kicks your ass. I think back to when I was a small boy and I remember that my dad was SO important in my world. I always wanted to be with him and do things with him. When he got home from work every day, I would run out the door and be the very first person to greet him. Or, hell, half the time I met him halfway up the driveway before he'd even gotten to the house! I really really loved my dad a whole lot and thinking back on it, I can recognize now that he loved me a LOT too. And that's why we hated each other's guts during my teenage years. As I got older, my dad and I discovered that we were nothing alike. See, once you're not an idealistic preschooler anymore, then little things like who you like or dislike depend on actual concrete things about the person. My dad and I couldn't be more different in almost every way. How much we loved each other before, that was how much we hated each other later.

But, take heart, my young friend. It gets better. When? Well, frankly, it didn't get better for me until I moved out of my father's home. I know you don't wanna hear that, but that's probably going to be what it takes with you. Personally, I can look back on it and not mind the wait. See, growing up, I always felt judged by my dad. I always felt that every single thing I did was wrong in his eyes and that every part of me was a failure in his opinion. If I were sitting there at age 19, watching TV in the living room at 3am, and my dad got out of bed, I left the room. I can recall once that I didn't. My dad couldn't sleep, I guess, so he just came in the room and sat down. Didn't say a word, either good or bad. But as I tried to watch the TV, I imagined every thought running through his head about his lazy-ass no-good son sitting there at 3 in the morning watching TV like a fucking loser. He never said a word, but I felt it anyway. When I left home, it felt better. I'm now a married man with a home and a life of my own. These are the things that I know my dad wanted me to have (instead of dicking around when I was in high school and college) and now that I have them, I don't feel judged anymore. I suspect that, like most people, this will be true for you. Once you're not under your mother's constant judgement and she's not under yours, things will heal.

My dad and I are fine now. I look forward to seeing him and we haven't fought about anything in probably 10 years. The same will happen with you. My point here is that everything you're feeling and the stupid way your mom is acting, those are all normal. That doesn't help help you, I know. Nothing will make it feel better and nothing will make you feel like she loves you, until the day comes when you DO feel like she loves you.

Then again, maybe your mom is just a fucking psycho bitch. I don't know her or you, so I couldn't say with certainty. Either way, the problem will correct itself once you're not living with her anymore. Hold on to that thought and look forward to it. Until then, good luck surviving the fun of intrafamilial relations while going through that painful surgery with no anesthesia that we like to call "growing up."


All My Hate,
Lord Galen


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