If people are good only because they fear punishment and hope for a reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
-Albert Einstein
Lord Galen
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Too Much To Love
July 31, 2009

Dear Galen

I'm struggling with this one. My boyfriend is incredible, and I love him...but he is kinda..well, he's fat. Every night all I want is for him to fuck me and take control, but he CAN'T because of his weight. So now I'm debating having sex with someone else. I mean, really, I need to be laid. I've been fully faithful to him for two years, but I'm ready to just say fuck it. no pun intended. I don't know what do to...is there a new position we could try? or should i just do it?


Dear Mary

If the number one determining factor for you as to whether or not your relationship is doing well is whether or not your tub-o-lard boyfriend can fuck the shit out of you, then I think your relationship sounds rather shallow and meaningless. I'm not sure why you care enough to write and ask for my advice.

Is your boyfriend a nice guy? Do you love him? Are you IN love with him (psst, the answer to that one is NO)? Are you happy with him? Does he make you laugh? Does he listen to you? Just go ahead and insert about 50 other questions here that are actually IMPORTANT and then, somewhere far down the list, we might find "Can he really give it to you like a goddamn stallion?"

Seriously. You're writing me because your boyfriend isn't pile driving your smelly cunt like a champion porn star because he's fat?

Here's what I think. I think all the good is gone and you want out of this relationship anyway. Your boyfriend was either like this when you hooked up with him or he got like this slowly enough for your to see it coming. It's not like you woke up one day and found him sitting there all like...

This is an excuse. You may not even realize you're making excuses, but *I* fucking realize it. You're being a selfish shallow little whore and that's a fact.

BUT that's just the way it is and you're gonna do what you're gonna do to make youself happy. Nobody can blame you for that. Just don't bullshit me about it.

The real reason you're writing me is to garner justification for either dumping him or cheating on him. I won't give you that. What I will give you, however, is this: Take comfort in the fact that you have to do what's right for YOU, not what's right for HIM. If what's right for you happens to make you a superficial bitch, then so be it. You've already made up your mind. You said it yourself: "I'm ready to just say fuck it." So, say "fuck it" and go be happy. My advice is to end your relationship with Jabba and go find a stud. Don't cheat on him. If you're ready to fuck somebody else, then you're ready for the relationship to be over.

All My Hate,
Lord Galen

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