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The Christian Illusion of Free Will
January 25, 2008


This rant is sort of a "companion" to last year's "Why God?" rant. It's not exactly a sequel, but I'm continuing on with the same basic premise that I used in Why God. In case you're too much of a lazy useless fuck to go read "Why God?," I'll review the premise for you.

Every "omg religion suxx0rz" type of rant is written from the same tired old boring perspective. Blah blah blah, religion is dumb, blah blah brainwashing, blah blah blah imaginary man in the sky, etc, etc, yakkity fucking yak. What those other rants lack, I have in abundance, and that is the willingness to give Christianity the benefit of the doubt. So, as with "Why God?," I am going to assume right from the start that God *does* exist. I'm going to accept it as a given that God Almighty is a real omnipotent being who created the universe and all life in it. I am also going to accept, for the duration of this rant, as absolute fact that the Bible is the true and uncontaminated Word of The Lord God, our Father in Heaven.

That being the case and all these things being accepted as true, I submit to the vapid braindead asshats who're reading this that God is the ultimate proof that absolute power corrupts absolutely. Last time, I questioned His very right to rule over us. This time, I want to dispell one of the myths His followers hold over us.

Since I ride home from work with my wife (carpooling, saving gas, y'know) there is a time at least once a month where I end up having to go with her to her Bible Study meetings. My wife, being the good Catholic that she is, happens to be a member of the Ladies Auxiliary and they have weekly Bible Study groups. I don't mind really. They meet at this shitty little redneck restaurant that has GREAT burgers and fries! So, shit, I get to go eat unhealthy food! This makes me say "praise the Lord!" all day long, bitch! I also don't mind the conversation either. In this case it gave me a rant idea, but even when it doesn't, it's still interesting. You see, at one time in my life, I was actually a VERY religious man and had even intended on becoming a minister! So, I know the Bible backwards and forwards.

So, it comes as no surprise that I know the answers to questions that're thrown my way. Last time, the subject of why bad things happen to good people and why God allows bad shit to happen was brought up. The head of the group threw the question to me. Why DOES God allow evil to happen? The answer, of course, is simple: Free will. God cannot and will not interfere with human free will. What would be the point? If He just forced everyone to be good and love Him, then He'd just have a bunch of mindless zombies up in Heaven who're only there because He forced them to be, not because they really love Him and want to be there with Him. This makes the concept of free will a very important one to Christianity.

But, as you can probably see coming (from the fucking TITLE OF THE RANT), I have a real problem with that whole "free will" idea espoused by Christianity. The problem is that it's bullshit. In the universe run by a Christian God, there is no such thing as free will. What we think of as "free will" is actually what the law would call "consent given under duress."

Picture this. We're all God's "children" right? The Bible says that we're like little children to him (in that his mind is more advanced than ours, etc). Alright, let's go with that analogy and break it down into real world terms. I'm going to break into your house while your five year old child is there alone (because you're a shitty parent). I'm going to tie him up and soak him from head to toe in gasoline. Then, I'm going to strike a match and give him a choice: "Go read SnipeMe.com! You'll read it, believe every word of it, and do everything it says! You'll put ME first in your life until the day you die (and for eternity afterward) and love me more than anything else! If you don't agree to this, I'm going to throw this match on you and you'll burn. If you ever change your mind in the future, I'll fucking come back and do it then! Now, these are your choices. You are free to choose either one. What's it gonna be, you little shit?"

If you are a devout believing Christian, I hope you enjoy being soaked in God's gasoline with him holding the match, you stupid fuck. Free will? FREE FUCKING WILL??? I don't think so! Your choices are to do everything God's way or burn forever! Kids, that's not a freely made choice. Actually, there IS a word to describe that (besides the already mentioned "consent given under duress").


(Yeah, that's right, it's fucking WordGirl. I rule.)

You can "freely choose" to capitulate to the overbearing demands that are made of you by the biggest fucking bully in the universe OR, you can "freely choose" to suffer for the rest of time being burned by a fire that will never die and never consume you. Some choice!

Where's the 3rd option? If we REALLY had a choice, we could choose to opt out of the whole damn thing! I mean, if God's real, then I'm fucked. I don't like his plan and, no, I DON'T give a shit how "superior" he is and that he "knows what's best for us." If a mortal father treated his children the way God treats us, Child Services would take his kids away and lock that motherfucker in a deep dark hole! Problem is, we don't have any universal welfare agency looking out for OUR best interests. Only a pompous despot with all the power, feeding his own fucking ego and using all the power in the entire universe to royally fuck us over!

I want no part of it. God, Satan, Good, Evil, Heaven, Hell, FUCK IT ALL! I want nothing to do with it! Just let me fade away into nothing when I die. I don't choose Heaven OR Hell!

Ah, but there's the rub! Like the song says, "if you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice!" Interesting that that same song goes on to say "I will choose the path that's clear, I will choose free will!" So there's my choice. I choose to decide for myself what my choices are. I don't fucking LIKE God's choices and who the FUCK GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO LAY OUT MY OPTIONS FOR ME?!

( A ) Heaven
( B ) Hell
( C ) None of the above

Pick "C" fuckers. It's the choice of free-thinking individuals everywhere. Even if you do believe in God, it's obvious that he doesn't have OUR best interests at heart. Yeah, I can choose to suck his ass for all eternity or burn. Fuck that fucking fucker!

And here's the part that makes ME truly a god. If I pick C, I'll be sent to Hell. If I pick C, God will choose B for me! Thus, I have no free will and I have just proven God wrong and pointed out what a lying sack of dog shit he really is. Even if I'm burning in Hell, I still get to know that I FUCKING BEAT GOD!

I WIN!!!

Suck on that, Jesus! Who's your daddy NOW? Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, yeah, I know, every Christian within a thousand Gigabytes of this page is gonna write to me and you'll all say the same fucking thing. "You're going to Hell! The choices are laid out by God and you get to decide which one to pick, you DON'T get to decide what the choices are!" Save your e-mails. You're exactly right. I DON'T get to decide what the choices are. That's my whole point, you asshole. Free will isn't just having the ablity to choose between two options, it's also having the ability to decide WHAT your options ARE! You fucking fail, so does your God. I am the better god, now worship me, suck my cock, swallow every last drop of my sweet gooey load and SHUT THE FUCK UP!


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