I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.
-Susan B. Anthony
Lord Galen
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Fuck You, Right-Handed Assholes!
September 25, 2008


The other day, I was talking to my little cousin who happens to go to school where I teach. She's 8 years old and was fiddling with her untied shoelace. I asked her what the fuck she was doing (not in those words, don't be stupid) and she said that she was trying to tie her shoe. Well, she didn't seem to be very good at it. In fact, she didn't even seem able to form the first little bow. I was like "Girl, don't you know how to tie your shoes by now?" She said no, she doesn't, and that her mom and aunt keep trying to teach her and she thinks she's getting better at it, but it's hard. The very first thought was to ask which hand she writes with. She held up her left hand. BINGO!

You see, among the many other "abnormal" things about me is the fact that I'm left-handed. I knew this was my cousin's problem because I myself didn't learn to tie my shoes until I was about 9 years old. The reason for this, and the reason my cousin can't tie her shoes at age 8, is because right-handed people cannot teach left-handed children how to tie their shoes. Don't argue with it, don't say "sure they can." No, you fuck, they CAN'T. The way that right-handed people and left-handed people tie their shoes is totally fucking backwards. I mean, literally, a mirror image.

So this immediately annoyed the fuck out of me. Apparently my cousins are too stupid to know that they can't teach their left-handed kid how to tie her fucking shoes. You have to get a lefty to teach them (which I intend to do with my cousin).

All of this is all good and everything, but it got me looking into some things. See, when I was little I went to a "Christian Academy" for preschool. The religious fucktards there did things the "old school" way and tried to force me to be right-handed. Keep in mind this was 1982/83, not back in the fucking dark ages or something, and people STILL thought that there was something "wrong" or inherently "evil" about being left-handed. I've read other stories online of people who were slapped on their knuckles with a ruler if they tried to write with their left hand. I can say from experience that this fucked with my head badly. I was ambidextrous until sometime in the 2nd grade. I'd write to the middle of the page with my left hand and then swap to the right to finish the line.

"This is all very fascinating Galen, but what the fuck has this got to do with anything?!"

Plenty. Here's the problem that I've discovered recently. The old right-hand dominance thinking isn't gone. Yes, believe it or not, there are STILL parents and teachers in this day and age who try to force their children to be right-handed! I was absolutely fucking floored when, upon further questioning, my little cousin informed me that her aunt makes her use her right hand! INSANE! Since kids sometimes just say shit just to be saying it, I spoke to her teacher. She's doing the same shit that I did, swapping hands when she writes. And just like little me, her writing is incredibly messy. She seems to be having a difficult time with writing and with choosing which hand she should be using at what time.

Having had the same thing forced upon me as a child, I found that I was absolutely infuriated by this. I'd never given it all that much thought before, but now that it'd come up, I was fucking pissed. More than I thought I'd be.

I did some research into the matter and found an astounding amount of ignorance concerning left-handedness. Apparently it's seen as "no big deal" by a whole lot of people to just "make a kid switch" to the other hand! They see it as something that can be taught. This, along with a few other myths, is something I'd like to address right now.

First of all, let me explain to you goddamn idiots that left or right handedness is not a choice or a learned skill. It's a natural biological thing related directly to the function and division of labor inside the brain. When you force a left-handed child to use their right hand for everything, it's essentially like crossing the wires in the brain. Handwriting and handedness are controlled by the same regions of the brain that handle verbal skills (speaking and understanding). So, crossing those wires is gonna cause your kid not only a great deal of frustration and anxiety from having to force themselves to do something that's unnatural for them, but it's also going to impair their verbal and learning development, since the brain is too fucking busy trying to process the wrong hemisphere (or both) being used for something that the right hemisphere should be doing on its own. Stop fucking with your kids! What they do naturally is what they do, and that's the end of it.

The stereotype that left-handed people are clumsy comes from exactly this bullshit. Left-handed people are not clumsy at all, but in years past (and apparently still quite a bit today), left-handed children were forced to use their right hands. THIS is what will make someone clumsy! They're not clumsy with their left hands, they're fucking clumsy trying to do everything ass-backwards with the WRONG hand!

Another thing you should know, dipshits, is that we evil "southpaws" are actually superior to you in some ways. You have little chances of beating an equally matched opponent in a fight if that opponent is left-handed. Lefties are well aquainted with dealing with your right-handedness, but you'll get your ass kicked when they hit you from the opposite side of what you're naturally expecting and defending against. Haha, pwned! Left-handed boxers, for example, have a HUGE advantage in the ring.

And why do I point this out? Simple, it's a warning. If you don't stop fucking with lefty kids, all us lefty adults are gonna come find you and beat the shit out of you with our backwards ass fighting skills, motherfucker!

In all seriousness though, it really worries me that here in the early 21st century, there still exists a good number of people who have the fucked up thinking that the hand you fucking write with is important. It's not important at all if you fucking leave it alone! It BECOMES incredibly important, when you fuck with it!

So please, parents and teachers, stop fucking with your kids. It's bordering on child abuse to force the wrong hand on them; it really is. If any lefties out there would like to contact me about dominating the world and forcing right-handed people to be lefties so they know how it fucking feels, please use the contact page.


[Update: It's actually been a month since I wrote this rant. I have since taught my cousin to tie her shoes. Fucking yay for me.]


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