Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.
-Grey's Law
Lord Galen
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Everything Is Becoming Shit
January 1, 2008

Besides just the general shittiness of the world around us (society, politics, general stupidity, etc.), the world of consumerism is becoming a big mushy pile of dog shit too. I'm talking specifically about the products we buy.

The majority of my readers are teenagers, so it may be that this rant will make no sense to many of you. After all, it's hard to recognize when things suck ass if you've never seen them in a state where they DON'T suck ass (or were too young to remember them not sucking). The fact of the matter is that the products we all enjoy and spend so much fucking money on are absolute garbage compared to the way things used to be.

I don't know what the reason is. Cheaper materials and manufacturing processes, or maybe companies just don't give a fuck about releasing a superb product anymore. Something's definately gone wrong and if we're not gonna fix it, we should at least fucking recognize the problem.

Example number 1: Cell phones

That's right, fuckers. The old cellular phones were superior to your modern day shit! You don't realize it because you think "lol, omg no Galen! Now we haves cameras in our fones and kewl ring tones and txt msgs, lololol!!11!!" Yeah, that's all true. The old phones didn't have any of the toys that new phones have. An old "bag phone" like the one pictured above couldn't send text messages and it couldn't take pictures and when it rang, it sounded just like the phone you have at home. But guess what it could do: THE JOB OF A FUCKING TELEPHONE!!!!!

The phone in the picture sent out an analog radio signal using 3 watts of power. Your phone sends out a digital signal using about 300-600 milliwatts (0.3 to 0.6 watts). You know what that means? OF COURSE YOU DON'T, CUZ YOU'RE STUPID! What it means is that ye olde phone could hit a cell tower that was 30 miles away. What it means is that we didn't have fucking "dropped calls." No, no, fuckers, we got DISCONNECTED and it when it happened, it was because you were in an area so bad that your phone wouldn't even know what fucking day it was anymore! The coverage area for those old phones was GREAT, with just a few spots where God himself couldn't expect to get a signal and it was done with so few towers that you hardly ever saw them. NOW, some idiot decided that digital was better and less power requirements meant that you could make the phone smaller.

BIG MISTAKE! I have no fucking idea why you mouth-breathers think "oooh, it's smaller, that means it's kewler!" NO IT DOESN'T! It means it's less powerful and can't do shit! Anyway, with a digital signal, you need a certain amount of good reception before the phone will even consider working. With the power lowered, that meant more towers were needed (a LOT more). So, what we're left with is a cell tower every few miles just so we can have a shitty signal that drops out all the fucking time because there are now about 6,000 times as many little "holes" in the coverage area!

Did you know that 1 bar on your cell phone is equal to about 5 bars on an old cell phone? They got BETTER RECEPTION and could hold a signal for WAY LONGER! The problem is that cell companies decided at some point to make phones into more than just a fucking phone. The result is that now we have these gadget filled little pieces of shit that barely work as a phone! It's like that joke from an old James Bond movie, where Q gives Bond a watch that can do 50 million badass things, but it can't tell time (for my younger readers, this same joke was copied in the first Spy Kids movie, you may remember that)!

Your phone is a piece of shit and you don't even know it. I have a Samsung phone (the one in the picture, on the right) and I'd toss that fucker in a river if I could get one of those old bag phones! Why? Because it actually WORKED *as* a phone!

Moving on to example number 2: Cars

I was heartbroken when GM followed all the other car manufacturers down the cowardly pussified path of making cheap, bullshit, plastic cars that look like they should be wound up with big metal key in the back that turns a rubber band under the hood instead of having an actual ignition. That *thing* they call an "H2" is not a goddamn Hummer. Just like that fiberglass piece of shit being sold by Chevy is not a Suburban.

Vehicle manufacturers love to make commercials about how "tough" their cars are. Dodge is the worst offender with the RAM line of trucks. I tell you what, fuckers, you sit in your big "tough" Dodge RAM and I'll hop in my old '86 Crown Vic. Let's play chicken. Wanna place any bets on how "tough" your wind-up toy truck is gonna be when my car made out of actual fucking STEEL tears through it like a slice of goddamn wonderbread?!

These fancy fucking lightweight cars are all designed to have "crumple zones." WTF is this shit? The car is specially engineered to crumple where it should? Hey fuckers, why don't you go talk to some engineers from 1970. There is NO place where a car SHOULD crumple!!! Why don't you slack ass pussies go old-school and design a car that DOESN'T cave in - ANYWHERE! An '82 Suburban, for example. When one of those old tanks is in a wreck, it doesn't fucking crumple, it DENTS, and the driver goes "What the fuck was that sound?!"

When I was little, it was an amazing and rare occurance to see a car get waded up like a piece of paper during a high speed collision. Now, it happens every single time, without fail. Now, a 20mph collision will TOTAL a car! WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT?!

There are lots of examples I could give besides cell phones and cars to show that product quality has taken a drastic nose dive for the sake of convenience. TVs are another good one. I have a TV in my bedroom that my parents first bought in 1984. It's a huge heavy piece of shit, but it still works. Compare that to a digital TV I got for Christmas when I was 16. It dropped dead in less than 2 years. Gaming consoles? Shiiiiiit! I have an old NES system around here somewhere that STILL WORKS! That fucker is 20 years old! Let's see a motherfuckin' Xbox 360 do that! Even furniture can be used as an example here! My parents still have my first rocking chair from when I was a toddler. The wood needs refinishing, but otherwise it's great. Last week my wife was putting together some piece of fucking balsa wood furniture from Wal-Mart and one of the parts SPLINTERED IN HALF when she was screwing it on!


Look, this isn't a "when I was young, things were so much better" rant. When people say that, they're talking about society and shit like that. No, I'm talking about consumer goods and it's not about me being younger, it's about manufacturers giving less and less of a shit over time! The older YOU get, the shittier you'll notice things getting too! I'm not really sure how that's possible, but I'm sure it is. Rich fucking assholes will keep thinking up new ways to make shit from cheaper materials and via cheaper manufacturing processes. Eventually, it'll cost $2 to make a cell phone and they'll be charging you $50 while saying "Look at how much money you save with us!"

They might as well sculpt things out of human feces. It'd be just about the same. *sigh*

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