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Crack
November 2, 2008


I want you to consider that one word title for just a moment. The word is "crack." Sit there for a moment and define that word to yourself. What does the word "crack" mean? Just consider that one word for a moment, as I go on with this rant.

As a computer teacher, one of the duties I've assigned myself is to teach my students how to type. I can't stand to see idiots hunting and pecking for keys. Learn to type, you fucking idiot, it's not hard! So yeah, I take it upon myself to teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders basic typing skills. I'm sure most of you remember this shit from high school or middle school when you first took it. Sit correctly with your back straight, fingers on the Home Keys, blah blah blah. Yeah, I do all that.

Now, for kids this young, you do have to make it a bit of a game. I don't wanna bore the fucking shit out of them, after all. After we've done the boring shit to learn a new key, we play a game. They all close their eyes, I call out letters to spell a word, then they open their eyes and see if they got it right. Believe it or not, they actually enjoy this (well, most of them, lol). Every now and then, as the very last word we type, I'll throw out something that I just know will make them laugh uncontrollably. I'll spell "f-a-r-t" or "t-u-r-d" or whatever and they open their eyes and realize what they typed and the giggling ensues (they're little kids, after all!). The kids enjoy it and I've never had any complaints, so everybody's happy.

Last week, I found a new "funny" word completely by accident. They closed their eyes and I spelled out "c-r-a-c-k." Now, when I spell "crack" I'm thinking of the noun or the verb, not the slang term. Of course, this class of 5th graders starts giggling like jackasses. I realized at this point that they took it to mean like the crack of your ass or the drug, crack. So I'm like "Ok guys, that's not what I meant. A crack is a break in something, I didn't mean THAT kinda crack." They settled down and we moved on. This sorta thing happens occasionally. I'm wracking my brain trying to come up with words using only the letters they've learned so far, so I'm not really thinking about things that would not obviously be taken the way I mean them. Nor am I thinking about word combinations, so occasionally I spell two words in a row that, together, get the kids laughing. It happens all the time, no biggie.

Here comes the fun part....

A few days later, the school principal comes to me and asks me if I spelled the word "crack" when the kids are typing. I'm like "yeah... like a crack in the wall or to crack something." He proceeds to inform me that that's now what THEY'RE thinking about when I say "crack" and that he's had some parents call to complain that I spelled the word "crack" in my class.

Read that again. Parents called to complain about the word "crack."

I was told to "just stay away from that crack word" and I just said "ok." Why, you may ask, did I just accept it and not point out what an amazingly idiotic thing this was? Well, when you are a super-intelligent god who works in the public school system, you realize one very important thing early on in the game. This is what I realized long ago: I am one man, a lone island of intellect, amidst a tsunami of stupid. The vast majority of parents have allowed over-protectiveness and helicopter-mommyness to file down their IQs like an ax grinder filing away at a sliver of bamboo. As a result of the constant badgering by these stupid little ax-grinders, school administrators are left with little choice but to emulate the stupidity. Is my principal a complete moron who really thinks that the word "crack" is anything to concern himself with? Perhaps he is, but what's more likely is that he just wants to placate the extreme idiots who call him up complaining about the most asanine shit you can think of.

And where does that leave the kids? It leaves them ignorant. See, an intelligent person, when asked what the word "crack" means should respond with something close to the proper definition. An intelligent person is not likely to answer "huh huh, it's the place between your butt cheeks, harharharhar." Now, one can forgive kids for making that mistake. You're in school, after all, to learn things. The point of being there is to dispell ignorance. If you weren't ignorant about things, you wouldn't need to be there. So it's easy to overlook the children being ignorant and responding to the word "crack" by taking its slang meaning rather than its correct meaning. The correct response to this is to CORRECT that misunderstanding and EDUCATE the kids so that they don't make that mistake again.

Instead of dispelling ignorance, my principal has now commanded that I should pander to it instead! And why? Simply because the kids' parents are more ignorant than they are! If anybody belongs back in fucking elementary school, it's the parents! No, no, by all means let's NOT laugh at the fucking idiot parents and suggest that they CRACK open a fucking dictionary! Or, spend 5 minutes on Google!

Crack [verb]: to break without complete separation of parts.
Crack [noun]: a break without complete separation of parts.


And that's only 2 of the MANY meanings of the word that have nothing at all to do with your ass or illegal drugs! In fact, while I'm educating morons here:

Your ass crack: Gluteal cleft or Natal cleft.

The drug, crack: Methylbenzoylecgonine ('meth-el-benz-oil-eck-go-neen'), and my thanks to Katrina for telling me how to fucking pronounce that shit.

Wow, look at that, they have their own fucking names! Not that I have anything against just being simplistic and calling each of those "crack" but I very much have something against it if one of those two things is the VERY FIRST AND ONLY THING that you think of when confronted with the word crack, YOU FUCKING MOUTH-BREATHING MORON!!!!

I'm finished venting now. I guess. I just wanted to share with you, the reader, a small slice of the Stupid Pie I'm forced to gobble down every damn day. I may go back to my principal and tell him, just for the record, that this is utterly rediculous. In the end, I'll do what he says because he's the boss and I like my paycheck. Doesn't mean I have to like it or not complain about it.

The next time someone around you wonders what's wrong with our education system, remember this. What's wrong with our educational system is that administrators are too goddamn busy worrying about the parents who are too fucking busy complaining about whatever stupid shit they've thought up to complain about, and this worry gets passed on the teachers who then have to worry about not saying something (like a simple noun or verb) that could possibly be miscontrued as anything other than what they intended. "Is our children learning?" Yes, they're learning that "crack" is an obscene word and their teacher can be made to stop saying it. They're most certainly not being told "that's stupid" like they should be.


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