First of all: Paragraphs, they are your friend. Now, with that out of the way, I can properly advise you in the hope that if you ever need my assistance again, you use a fucking paragraph or two. Write like you're NOT on the Internet when you write me!
What you need is counselling. I fucking hate head shrinkers, so this is not advice that I give lightly. You need to realize, first and foremost, that your mom is not just a little fucked up. Your mom was an abusive parent and you were the victim of genuine child abuse. Labelling someone a "victim" is also not something I'm fond of doing, so you should take the fact that I choose to do it very seriously.
Maybe your mom never beat you, maybe she never told you to go die in a river, maybe she never sold you out to pedophiles for their uses. I certainly hope not. Nevertheless, you were abused and very seriously so. Everyone tends to overlook neglect when they think of child abuse. It's just kinda shrugged off like "Oh well, she was just neglected. That's bad, but it's not like she was molested or something!" Actually, yeah, it is.
Neglect is not some "lesser" form of abuse that's only technically child abuse. It's also not one of those stupid things that the law considers "abuse" even though it's really not. Neglecting a child is REAL and TRAUMATIC abuse of that child! You, my dear, were abused; it's that simple. Most people can't deal with the mental and emotional scars of being abused by themselves and from what you've written to me here, it is obvious that you are one of the majority who will need professional help to overcome your issues.
In order to grow into healthy adults, children need certain securities when they're young. Everyone recognizes that they have the right not to be beaten (everyone except pro-spanking fucktards, but that's another issue). Everyone recognizes that they have a right not to have their bodies violated sexually. Everyone recognizes that they have a right to food, shelter, clothing, medical care, etc. All of these, your mother seems to've taken care of. What most people forget about is the non-physical security a child needs. Namely, LOVE and AFFECTION and ATTENTION.
Let me tell you about 2 kids (a brother and sister) that I knew when I worked as a substitute. We'll call them Josh and Abby. Josh was in Pre-K and Abby was in 3rd grade. They both had severe anger issues. They were angry and filled with hate all the time. Highly aggressive and at the same time babyish. It took a few years of knowing Abby and then seeing little Josh come along for us to realize the cause. Their parents were cold, unaffectionate, uncaring people. These children recieved the basic physical neccesities and that's all. They got no love, no warmth, no kindness, no caring, no affection. At home, they didn't have people who cared about their feeling or who cared to share their own feelings with their children. The result was two very angry and very affection-starved children. I knew Josh the best of all, given how much I worked in Pre-K my last year there (nearly every day, since I volunteered there if I wasn't working). At first, I took my standard approach when dealing with a combative and beligerant child. I wasn't about to indulge his bullshit and I could be a bigger asshole than him anytime! Well, the "tough love" routine worked to get him to obey any given command, but it obviously did nothing for the underlying cause of his behavior. Myself and one other Pre-K teacher eventually discovered the key. When Josh would throw a tantrum because another kid got in his way or whatever, I'd say "Awww, Josh, are they picking on you, buddy? C'mere....." I can't even recall the number of times that 4yo little boy would climb into my lap and hold on for dear life. A hug. That's all he needed was one simple fucking hug when he got upset. He needed someone to hold him and make him feel better - make him feel like he was worth something and that somebody gave a shit about him and whatever he was upset about.
But I was only in his life for a year and no matter how much love I showed him, I know that right now he's a very lonely and angry 1st grader somewhere, probably getting into all sorts of trouble unless another teacher has been smart enough to figure out that he needs love before he can even understand discipline.
Like that little love-starved boy, you are still dying on the inside for the love your mother never gave you. No matter how much you hate her, that abandoned little girl is still alive inside you - still crying - and all she wants is her mommy's love. That's why you feel so conflicted. As an older and wiser person, you understand that your mom treated you like shit and logically you shouldn't want anything to do with her. But this isn't about logic. These are emotional issues and logic does not apply.
You need a therapist and that's all I can tell you. I've pointed out what I believe to be the problem, to the best of my ability, however I am not a trained mental health professional and even if I were, one stupid Dear Galen response from me couldn't possibly help you. I hope that, at the very least, this letter will help you to understand the root of your issues. Most people don't realize they were abused children unless it's pointed out to them. To you, that was a normal childhood. It's what you experienced and you never lived any other childhood, so that was "normal" to you. It takes an objective 3rd party to look at that situation and say "Um, hon, you were fucking abused!"
As for your mother's stupidity and fucking self-rightious attitude, what do you expect? Abusive parents never fucking think they did anything wrong! At some point, perhaps your therapist will bring her into the sessions, but I couldn't speak on that.
I've given you the best advice that I'm qualified to give. Don't be in fucking denial about it! Your first instinct might be "lol, I wasn't ABUSED!" YES YOU FUCKING WERE! Go get some real help from a trained professional and stop asking assholes on the Internet to fix you. Yes, FIX you. You might be ashamed of needing therapy (most people are at first) because of the feeling that it means there's something wrong with you. Well, no shit, there IS something wrong with you! Your emotional development was fucked up by a sick bitch of a mother; you ARE broken, and you need help to get fixed. It's not your fault, but you DO have it within your means to go get it taken care of. Please go get that help. I'm serious.
With Seething Anger,