It is the stupidest children who are the most childish and the stupidest grown-ups who are the most grown-up.
-C.S. Lewis, The Silver Chair
Lord Galen
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Neglect
February 7, 2008


Dear Galen


I saw your site from felow forum goers at the NYRA forum, I checked it out read most of your rants and the letters you got, what caught my interest was the wild mom one. I wanted advice and maybe a little bit of an indepth explanation of what's really going on, because nobody has given me a straight answer, I'd like real one and please don't sugar coat it. I'm going to turn fifteen pretty soon and yet the older I get the more it hurts, at the age of ten my mother began visiting Vegas for short trips. Sometimes she would take me and other times she would just go with her husband (my stepfather) and my three brothers. Now my mother was very neglectful she was never a good mother and she had me at age sixteen, even then she still partied and drank but as she had my third brother she began to shape up. She didn't take me to Vegas with her on some occasions because she has joint custody with my father and the time she wanted to go to Vegas my father had me. It was alright for a while, she always came back but things began to change when my step fathers family decieded to move out to Vegas they bought a house there and the economy was doing very well there so they got it at a farely reasonable and affordable price. My stepfather and mother noticed how well they were doing and one day she up and told me "I'm moving to Vegas." with no fore warning or any type of explanation other than it's cheaper. I was heart broken I didn't know what to say I was ten at the time not that age had much to do with it but I still had quite a bit of my innocence in me believe it or not. I helped her pack and I saw her off, I cried the day she left but I knew that I would visit her, I comforted myself with the thought that I could visit her and call her when I needed to. For a while I guess it was alright, I braved plane flights [they were only for an hour but planes terrify me] and long car rides to be with her but the trips seemed to get shorter and shorter soon it was as if I was visiting some long lost relative. One day I got into a fierce argument with my father and in the year 2005 during winter break I stayed with my mother I did not take the plane flight back to LA, my father was devastated and my mother enjoyed rubbing it in his face. As I stayed at my mothers house I began to feel neglected she wouldn't do anything with me, my fathers family would do things with me, my aunt would take me to get my nails done but when my mother got her nails done she told me to wait in the car. I began to understand what was happening it was killing me from the inside I tried to commit suicide by taking an assortment of pain relievers [Aspirin] and all I got was stomache bleeding and a very long sleep. The day I was stupid and tried to end my life like an idiot I told my mother what was wrong I confronted her she told me nothing, told me I was too young, in other words she told me to fuck off, I even told her I was going to kill myself in a last feeble attempt to get attention but she didn't do anything but lift the remote to turn the volume up. The next day [still sore and coughing up blood] I got a plane ticket home, I began losing respect for my mother and yes I began victimizing myself, at the age of thirteen I began self mutilation, it was the dumbest shit ever but for some odd reason it calmed me. I was found out though because the wounds would open and blood would drip down my hand and get pretty much everywhere, my family confronted me about it and we had a big stupid emotional moment with a lot of crying and they called my mother and told her everything. She then calls me and has the nerve to ask "why" and tell me never to do something stupid like that again or else she was going to kick my ass. A hypocritical bitch if I ever did see one, soon I retreated to other things I got into drugs I disregarded my mother as an abandoning fucking skank with no daughter, I didn't care if I died or not. Yet again I was disregarding my life because of some stupid whore that didn't give a damn about me, and yet no matter how many times I remind myself that she abandoned me not the other way around it dosen't sink in, I began to lose it. I became a manic depressive I stopped cutting myself of course but supressing the feeling was killing me and still is to be honest. I don't know why I want her in my life but I do more than anything in the whole world I want her to actually care, I want it so much that I overlook the people that actually do care. My step father divorced my mother because she was cheating on him, on myspace witch is the most stupidest bullshit ever but I don't care. My mother got a boyfriend out here and the sad fucking part is, is that she will fucking get her ass out of Vegas to visit him but she won't fucking come to see me. It hurts, it really does every time I try and confront her she victimizes herself says I have a choice to come live with her, that I don't understand, that it wasn't her choice. I'm still into drugs and other things that I would prefer not to mention and it seems that they only hide the pain for a while, it's like an escape from reality and just about the only time where I can stop thinking about my mother. The most recent arguement I had with her was when I was telling her off for allowing my younger brother to call me a faggot then defending him when I punch that fucker in the face. I storme dout of the house and I got a ride from a police officer who felt me up, I fucking cried my eyes out when I reached my grandmothers house. The truly breaking shit was when I called her, her first fucking words to me where "I'm upset with you." Even though I want her with me, for some reason I hold so much resentment towards her. It's like a fucking paradox I want her to be in my life I want her to care about me but then again I hope she fucking chokes on the lies she spits out. What I truly wish is that someone would tell her off or at least force her to listen to what I have to say, every time I try I end up looking that bad guy and she starts crying, please Galen fucking tell it to me straight I need something, I've tried every thing in the fucking book I'm desperate.

Signed,
[name removed]


Dear Person,

First of all: Paragraphs, they are your friend. Now, with that out of the way, I can properly advise you in the hope that if you ever need my assistance again, you use a fucking paragraph or two. Write like you're NOT on the Internet when you write me!

What you need is counselling. I fucking hate head shrinkers, so this is not advice that I give lightly. You need to realize, first and foremost, that your mom is not just a little fucked up. Your mom was an abusive parent and you were the victim of genuine child abuse. Labelling someone a "victim" is also not something I'm fond of doing, so you should take the fact that I choose to do it very seriously.

Maybe your mom never beat you, maybe she never told you to go die in a river, maybe she never sold you out to pedophiles for their uses. I certainly hope not. Nevertheless, you were abused and very seriously so. Everyone tends to overlook neglect when they think of child abuse. It's just kinda shrugged off like "Oh well, she was just neglected. That's bad, but it's not like she was molested or something!" Actually, yeah, it is.

Neglect is not some "lesser" form of abuse that's only technically child abuse. It's also not one of those stupid things that the law considers "abuse" even though it's really not. Neglecting a child is REAL and TRAUMATIC abuse of that child! You, my dear, were abused; it's that simple. Most people can't deal with the mental and emotional scars of being abused by themselves and from what you've written to me here, it is obvious that you are one of the majority who will need professional help to overcome your issues.

In order to grow into healthy adults, children need certain securities when they're young. Everyone recognizes that they have the right not to be beaten (everyone except pro-spanking fucktards, but that's another issue). Everyone recognizes that they have a right not to have their bodies violated sexually. Everyone recognizes that they have a right to food, shelter, clothing, medical care, etc. All of these, your mother seems to've taken care of. What most people forget about is the non-physical security a child needs. Namely, LOVE and AFFECTION and ATTENTION.

Let me tell you about 2 kids (a brother and sister) that I knew when I worked as a substitute. We'll call them Josh and Abby. Josh was in Pre-K and Abby was in 3rd grade. They both had severe anger issues. They were angry and filled with hate all the time. Highly aggressive and at the same time babyish. It took a few years of knowing Abby and then seeing little Josh come along for us to realize the cause. Their parents were cold, unaffectionate, uncaring people. These children recieved the basic physical neccesities and that's all. They got no love, no warmth, no kindness, no caring, no affection. At home, they didn't have people who cared about their feeling or who cared to share their own feelings with their children. The result was two very angry and very affection-starved children. I knew Josh the best of all, given how much I worked in Pre-K my last year there (nearly every day, since I volunteered there if I wasn't working). At first, I took my standard approach when dealing with a combative and beligerant child. I wasn't about to indulge his bullshit and I could be a bigger asshole than him anytime! Well, the "tough love" routine worked to get him to obey any given command, but it obviously did nothing for the underlying cause of his behavior. Myself and one other Pre-K teacher eventually discovered the key. When Josh would throw a tantrum because another kid got in his way or whatever, I'd say "Awww, Josh, are they picking on you, buddy? C'mere....." I can't even recall the number of times that 4yo little boy would climb into my lap and hold on for dear life. A hug. That's all he needed was one simple fucking hug when he got upset. He needed someone to hold him and make him feel better - make him feel like he was worth something and that somebody gave a shit about him and whatever he was upset about.

But I was only in his life for a year and no matter how much love I showed him, I know that right now he's a very lonely and angry 1st grader somewhere, probably getting into all sorts of trouble unless another teacher has been smart enough to figure out that he needs love before he can even understand discipline.

Like that little love-starved boy, you are still dying on the inside for the love your mother never gave you. No matter how much you hate her, that abandoned little girl is still alive inside you - still crying - and all she wants is her mommy's love. That's why you feel so conflicted. As an older and wiser person, you understand that your mom treated you like shit and logically you shouldn't want anything to do with her. But this isn't about logic. These are emotional issues and logic does not apply.

You need a therapist and that's all I can tell you. I've pointed out what I believe to be the problem, to the best of my ability, however I am not a trained mental health professional and even if I were, one stupid Dear Galen response from me couldn't possibly help you. I hope that, at the very least, this letter will help you to understand the root of your issues. Most people don't realize they were abused children unless it's pointed out to them. To you, that was a normal childhood. It's what you experienced and you never lived any other childhood, so that was "normal" to you. It takes an objective 3rd party to look at that situation and say "Um, hon, you were fucking abused!"

As for your mother's stupidity and fucking self-rightious attitude, what do you expect? Abusive parents never fucking think they did anything wrong! At some point, perhaps your therapist will bring her into the sessions, but I couldn't speak on that.

I've given you the best advice that I'm qualified to give. Don't be in fucking denial about it! Your first instinct might be "lol, I wasn't ABUSED!" YES YOU FUCKING WERE! Go get some real help from a trained professional and stop asking assholes on the Internet to fix you. Yes, FIX you. You might be ashamed of needing therapy (most people are at first) because of the feeling that it means there's something wrong with you. Well, no shit, there IS something wrong with you! Your emotional development was fucked up by a sick bitch of a mother; you ARE broken, and you need help to get fixed. It's not your fault, but you DO have it within your means to go get it taken care of. Please go get that help. I'm serious.


With Seething Anger,
Lord Galen


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