No one is more truly helpless, more completely a victim, than he who can neither choose nor change nor escape his protectors.
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Web Design (A How-To Guide)
October 23, 2007

Every day as I roam around the various corners of this little series of tubes that we call the Interwebz, I notice a lot of bullshit. I comment on much of the bullshit, but there's an underlying fat fucking turd stinking up the entire Web that I have yet to address. See, it's one thing to bitch about the content on a website. Maybe somebody comes here and they disagree with every single word I've written. That's great, glad you have a fucking opinion, asshole. But there's one thing they can't dispute, and that is that my site fucking WORKS and it works WELL!

The biggest problem online is that so much of what's "acceptable" in the realm of designing web pages is total fucking horseshit! I'm SICK of finding something on Google, clicking the link and then, out of nowhere, a giant hand made of maggot-infested animal feces reaches out of the screen and slaps me in the fucking face, before ducking back into its shitty online home and laughing about it!

Lucky for you guys, you've got me! I'm here to tell you everything you're doing wrong and everything that's pissing me the fuck off! Let's dive into it. Here are some helpful hints on how to design an absolute fucking made-of-WIN website.

Tip #1: Don't be a smartass, <a href= is there for a reason. The reason it's there is to create fucking hyperlinks to other web pages! Perhaps some of you aren't aware of this, because more and more I'm finding web sites full of links that're made using motherfucking javascript or faggoty flash! Listen you smartass cocksucking motherfuckers, nobody gives a good goddamn rat's ass in hell about your fancy fucking links! It's basic fucking HTML 101 that you create links thusly:

<a href="http://www.url.tld">Link</a>

No fucking and no fucking javascript:void(0); or any of that cunt-sucking bullshit!

Hey, look, you wanna use it for a specific purpose, fine! I use it too for the poll on the frontpage. That's a specific purpose. But to use fucking javascript for NORMAL FUCKING NAVIGATION LINKS?! What the fuck is WRONG with you?!

An assload of security programs block javascript, and a whole other assload of security conscious users turn javascript completely off! Nobody fucking cares about what a 1337 c0d3r you are, fuckface! Use a goddamn hypertext reference like everybody else and stop being a smartass!

Tip #2: Test your stupid little page in all of the top browsers and if it doesn't work in one, FIX IT! Let me make that a bit more clear, actually. If you find that it looks great in Firefox, but not in IE, the correct response is to make it work in IE as well! What usually happens instead is that you wannabe "leet" assholes shrug it off and go "dur-hur, well motherfuckers should be using Firefox anyway, so fuck IE users. Go Fox!"

O RLY?! I see... so it's your business as a webmaster to force users to use whatever browser you like, is that right? If you think a particular browser sucks balls, it's ok to fuck over everybody who uses that browser, right? Nevermind that not everybody can be as "leet" as you by using the Big Bad Fox and nevermind that it's not your goddamn business to decide for your users which browser is right for them.

FUCK YOU! Y'know what, maybe I should just decide that I don't like Firefox and block the Firefox browser from this site? I can do it asshole, it takes just one little click! Maybe I think Firefox sucks and so, taking a page from YOUR book, I'll decide that it's my business which browser you use and I'll whip out my big cock and take a huge steamy piss all over your fucking browser just because I don't like it! CUZ IT'S ABSOLUTELY MY MOTHERFUCKING PLACE TO DO THAT, RIGHT, YOU COCKSUCKER?!

Every fucking time I see "This page is best viewed using Firefox..." I want to fucking PUKE! It wasn't that long ago that so many pages had "best viewed using Internet Explorer" and all of you assholes bitched and complained that that was the WRONG thing to do! NOW, you same dickheads are the ones FUCKING DOING IT!

Tip #3: When someone sends you an e-mail to complain about your elitist ass "doesn't work in IE" website, the correct response to that is NOT "Get a real browser, IE sucks!" NO MOTHERFUCKER! The correct response for any webmaster who actually gives a shit about their site is "Oh shit, I didn't realize, I don't want to alienate anybody on purpose, I'll fix that ASAP!" After which, I'll pat you on the back and congratulate you on emptying the rocks out of your fucking head and finally getting it through your 10-inch skull that the fucking point of any form of media (including websites) is to reach AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE!

Little Jenny was really pissed about having to go to her Aunt's funeral tonight. That meant she'd miss the new episode of Hannah Montana! Oh noes, how would Jenny ever know what was going to happen? It's not like every fucking episode uses the exact same formula that makes it SO predictable, amirite? But luckily for Jenny, she had a VCR in her room. So she set it to record and left for the stupid funeral for her bitchy Aunt that nobody fucking liked anyway. But later that night when Jenny got back, there was nothing but static on her tape. OH SHIT, what happened?! Jenny called up the Disney channel to ask what the fuck was wrong and they informed her "Oh sorry dear, but VCRs are made of dog shit; only TiVOs will record our shows! Tee hee!"

REPEAT: THE FUCKING POINT OF ANY FORM OF MEDIA (INCLUDING WEBSITES) IS TO REACH AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE! Excluding purveyers of your particular form of information or entertainment just because you don't like what they're running with is what makes you a retarded ass FAILURE!

Tip #4: K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple, Stupid! Every designer's goal is to acheive the greatest effect using the least amount of raw material possible. In webpage design, the code is your raw material. You do NOT need 50,000 lines of code to pull off some fancy little bullshit special effect that nobody will notice anyway and that serves no purpose to your site! The reason for this is page loading times. Yes, those ARE important! The typical rule of thumb is that the text portion of your page should be completely loaded within 10 to 20 seconds over a dial-up connection! On MANY of the bigger sites, this simply doesn't happen. On Amazon or eBay, for example, it takes about 2 to 3 minutes for the page to load before you even see just the text! Why? Because they're loading about 500 scripts in the header, then ads from 3rd party sites, then session handling, etc, etc. With the fairly simple layouts those sites have, it should take no more than 20 seconds to load! Instead, it's taking 10 to 15 times as long because some smartass web designer didn't KEEP IT SIMPLE! Web designers (especially the professional ones) like to keep their jobs, you see, so they do all they can to make what they do look as fucking complicated as possible, when IT'S NOT! They show off all the fancy little bullshit they can do by throwing in 500 lines of code to accomplish in some round-about way what could've been done with 5 lines of code!

For the record, the home page of loads in ~3 seconds over a 24k connection. That includes loading the stylesheet, the javascript pop-down menu, checking your IP, referrer, and user agent to see if they're banned, then logging every single page load to a file for later review, and several other custom-built functions I've written into the site. This site is by no means "simple" under the hood, but I've worked to accomplish complicated things while keeping the code small and clean! Figure out how to do that yourself and maybe you'll stop sucking ass, bitch! Amazon and eBay may be able to get away with that fucking bullshit, but if your shitty ass little personal page or blog isn't finished loading in 10 seconds (or less!), I'm not wasting my time and neither is anyone else!

Tip #5: The target="_blank" attribute doesn't belong in every link! Some people just get fucking stupid when they figure out that they can force a new window or tab to open up in your browser. Listen asshole, there's a rule to doing that and here it is: If the link leads AWAY from your site, open it in a new window. However, if the link leads to another page on your site - and especially if the link is part of your main navigation menu - OPEN IT IN THE SAME WINDOW, FUCKTARD! Having every page on your site open in a new window is quite possibly the most annoying shit that anybody can do. Grow an IQ, lame ass!

Tip #6: The location of your files is not a fucking state secret, you prick! The worst offenders of this one are video sites. Oh no, nobody can just embed a fucking URL anymore. These days, you use a specially designed flash video player that hides the location of the actual video file on the server. This is supposedly to "save bandwidth" and stop people from downloading their precious files. Puh-lease...

Hey, guess what moron, everybody is ALREADY downloading your files! When you visit a webpage, your browser downloads that page and every image on it! When you listen to an audio file or watch a video, your fucking browser DOWNLOADS the file! You're not saving bandwidth, asshole, you're just being a prick. Waaah, waah, fucking WAAAH, I don't want people "stealing" my content! Ya fucking jerkoff, it's not "stealing" to download something!

For those who don't get what I'm talking about, here's an example. Let's take a look at the video at this URL, Now, we see the URL there, obviously, but what if we want to know where the actual video file is located? Normally, you'd just look at the source code to find an embed URL to the file. Let's see about that...

<embed src="' + query +'"

Hmmm... That doesn't seem to actually be a file, eh? Oddly enough, there IS a script in place on youtube that allows you to download vids, but it's not public knowledge. Why the fuck not? Yes, yes, I SUPPOSE it could be to prevent hotlinking directly to files. That's another typical excuse and it's retarded. If someone hotlinks to a 5Mb video file, then everytime someone accesses that file, they're eating up 5Mb of your website. The preferred method is for them to link to the page on the site that file is displayed on. Problem with that is that if the page is, say, 50kb, then everyone loading that page is eating up 5Mb plus another 50kb! It's actually costing you MORE bandwidth if people link to the page rather than straight to the file itself, MORON! Now this may not matter to everyone. It doesn't matter to me, as I prevent hotlinking directly to files, but I also don't run a site FOR SHARING VIDEOS!

Stop being pretentious assholes. Anyone can download your fucking videos. All it takes is a download manager that's capable of following file redirects the way a browser does. You're not smart and you're not saving bandwidth. Go shoot yourself.

Tip #7: If your page stretches, your brain obviously doesn't. I'm gonna say this once, and only once, so learn it well:



Whether setting width the old fasioned way, or via CSS, or whatever alternative way you may have of doing it, there is only one correct way to do it: USE PERCENTAGE VALUES FOR SETTING WIDTH!!!!!!

ALWAYS! NO EXCEPTIONS! There is NO situation EVER (no, not one!) in which the width of a div or span or table element or whatever should be set using anything other than percentage!

WHY is this, you may ask? Simple, because everybody uses a different fucking screen resolution, you ignorant whore's slit! Let's say you want to have 2 span elements sitting side-by-side at the top of the page, going all the way across. How would you accomplish that? The easiest fucking way to do it is:

<span style="width:50%;"> LEFT SPAN </span>
<span style="width:50%;"> RIGHT SPAN </span>

But you, being a moron, would just input some fucking number in there. Tell me, with each span having to be half the page's width, just how would you figure that out? Perhaps some fancy javascript to detect the user's screen resolution? Oh, but what if they have javascript disabled? Or what if your javascript just doesn't work for them (as javascript has a tendancy to develop free will and be lazy at times)? What then, assshole? Then, YOUR FUCKING PAGE BREAKS, DICKHEAD!

Having a horizontal scroll bar on your page is the Number One sign that you're a fucking cunt who doesn't have the first goddamn CLUE about designing a website. Now I'm not talking about a fucking image or some mistake that makes your pages stretch. All that's understandable. I'm referring to the fucking IDIOTS who design their pages this way intentionally and then think it's acceptable! No, it's not, you twat! It's fucking unprofessional and shows you up as the dumbass n00b that you are!

That's it. Those are my helpful tips for making your website un-assified. There's actually lots more, but if you don't know the other shit there's just no helping you. Actually, considering the fact that you dipshits probably won't listen to me anyway, there's STILL no help for you! Most of the Internet is constructed of pure FAIL by arrogant assholes who don't have the fucking skills to justify being such pompous douchebags. If you found yourself disagreeing with my 7 tips, you are one of these people.

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