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Lord Galen
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Threats Don't Make Your Point,
They Make You A Pathetic Asshole
January 24, 2007


Threatening people to add emphasis to a point is a favorite trick of those big mean "macho men" who think they're fucking scary tough guys. Today we're going to talk about why you're not a scary tough guy, but rather, you're a pathetic loser asshole.

First, an example of exactly what I'm talking about. Joe is dating Sara. Sara's friends all like Joe when they meet him. One of Sara's male friends (we'll call him Dick), however, feels the need to say to Joe, either seriously or jokingly, at some point "Just so you know, I will have to kill you if you don't treat her right." At this point, Dick has just lived up to his name.

Example number 2. Bob is hanging out at his friend John's house when John's sister, Tina, walks through the room. Bob says to John, "Dude, your sister's HOT!" John responds "Dude, seriously, I'll fuckin' kill you."

What put this into my mind was watching Sunday's episode of 7th Heaven (yes, it's a lame show, I know). Ruthie (who is 16) and her boyfriend "T-Bone" (I lol at the gayness of that nic) are talking about having sex together. T-Bone isn't really too comfortable with Ruthie pushing him to have sex, so he goes to Ruthie's brother-in-law, Kevin (an ex-cop) to ask his advice. Isn't he just a wonderful young man, going to the older and wiser Kevin for advice in his time of angsty need? Kevin's wonderful advice for the young man that has sought out his magnanimous adult wisdom: "I'll kill you if you touch her." HEY, good job dickhead! That's some seriously useful fucking advice that doesn't add to his stress level and make shit even more complicated at all!

So, that episode did little to help my blood pressure and then reminded me of a similiar experience. When I lived in South Africa, my wife took me to some church thing to meet some old friends of hers that she hadn't seen in a long time. Dear old friends and all that, what could be better, right? So, she introduces me to her old pal Brent. Brent, a good Catholic fella and dear old friend of my wife, comes right over, hugs me, and while he's hugging me, whispers in my ear "If you ever hurt her, I'll kill you." I said "Ok." And he responds, "No, really. I mean it." And, again, I'm just like "Ok."

Ladies and gentlemen, please learn from Lord Galen's past mistakes! I was taken aback by this experience and not quite sure what the fuck to say, but it took only a minute to realize the error I'd made and you should all now benefit from my wisdom. The correct response should be as follows:

"Whoa! Hang on there, dude! I've just met you and the very first words out of your mouth are to threaten me? How 'bout ya kiss my ass, Mr. Big Shit."

See, Brent's mistake was not unique. Every day, millions of men and women make the exact same mistake. Did Brent succeed in intimidating me? No. Was I the least bit afraid of Brent? No. Did Brent's arrogant little pussy-fart-in-the-wind of a threat affect the way that I treat my wife in the slightest bit? No. So what then did Brent accomplish? He accomplished the impressive task of immediately making me fucking hate his stupid ass and he alienated himself from any possibility of friendship with the husband of someone he supposedly cares about. First impressions count a LOT and my first impression of him was that he's a blow-hard arrogant fuck. I mean, seriously, he the hell greets a total stranger with a death threat?

LOTS of people, that's who. My own little anecdote aside, I've seen a whole helluva lot of people do this shit. To the best of my recollection, I don't think I've ever done it. Why would I? Let's say that when Meg (my surrogate daughter) gets married, I congratulate the happy couple and then threaten to kill the guy if he ever hurts her. What could possibly be wrong with that? After all, I'm just looking out for someone I love, right? WRONG!

The first thing wrong with this is that you, the threatener, are assuming some role in the relationship that is not your place to assume. If Meg and her husband have problems, then those problems are between the two of them and not any of my fucking business. When friends try to intervene in a relationship it causes NOTHING but problems. And I mean NOTHING. No good can come of it, EVER. It may seem like good comes of it sometimes, but it doesn't. If Meg's husband is beating the shit out of her, I'll naturally try to help her, but what if I go over there and threaten to kill him if he ever touches her again? What happens then is that, when Meg gets home, he'll beat the shit out of her because I pissed him off. Nothing solved; the problem just got worse. Now, granted, in that case I actually would kill him and dump his body in the south Georgia swamps for the alligators to dispose of the evidence. But that's not the point. The point is that, when the guy's done nothing wrong, threatening him with some kind of bodily harm if he should ever fuck up is absurd!

The second thing wrong with this (and the reason it's so absurd) is that it's simply not possible to be in a relationship with someone and not ever hurt them. You're going to do or say something at some point that will hurt your significant other. It's an unavoidable fact of life. And sometimes, it may even be neccesary to intentionally hurt the one you love for their own good. Pain is a part of the whole relationship thing. Not a nice part and, hopefully, only a very small part, but it's still there. In the years since Brent made an ass of himself to me, I've done a few things to hurt my wife. I'm not proud of that fact, but it's life and it just fucking happens. Should I now be looking over my shoulder for Brent to come kill me?

And the third thing wrong with this. Every smartass little punk who threatens always has to make it a death threat. Like, what, you're actually going to kill somebody? No you're not, dickhead. You're going to be pissed about it and say "Man, I'll kill that motherfucker!" and then you're not going to do a fucking thing. Because, as big of an ass as you may be, you know full well that if you actually did lay one goddamn finger on anyone else because of something they did in a relationship that's none of your fucking business, you'd be spending a little time with Bubba, playing a game of "Oops, where's that pesky soap go?" Now, there's an exception to this (only one), of course, and that exception is spousal abuse. If I were beating my wife, it would absolutely be Brent's place to come cut my fucking throat and toss me down a sewer. In fact, it would be ANYONE'S place to do that. Men who beat their wives are fucking scum and deserve nothing better than a swift and immediate death and anyone who is aware of such abuse happening, listen up: It is your fucking DUTY to kill the son of a bitch. Whether you go to jail or not isn't the point. Of course it's illegal and you'll probably get caught cuz CSI will come in with some computer generated effects of the inside of the corpse's body and you'll be toast. Doesn't matter. Fuck that fuckers fucking world up anyway!

Ask yourself now if you've ever pulled this dipshit move? It's ok, Lord Galen forgives you, but along with repentance must come the promise to STOP THAT STUPID BULLSHIT, ASSFACE! You're not intimidating, you're not scaring anyone, and nobody is fucking impressed with how big of a cocksucking faggot douche bag "macho man" you are. Threatening people doesn't make you tough and it doesn't make ANYBODY scared of you. It makes you a fucking retard.

I don't wanna leave anyone out. Don't think that I'm only talking about experiences like mine. Oh no, I mean ANY kind of threat of physical violence, especially the classic crotch-face line of "I'll kill you if..." Any type of threat automatically makes you a pussy. Understand the difference between a threat and a warning. When someone has given you a REASON to suspect that they might be harmful to your loved ones and you have every intention of actually doing whatever it is you say, THEN you may provide a friendly warning of the impending ass kicking that the other person can expect if they continue their fucktarded behavior. However, when this dude you kinda don't like makes a rude comment about your girlfriend, threatening to kill him is not the correct response. He doesn't care and you just turned yourself into a swollen hairy vagina right before his eyes. Odds are, he's even LESS worried about you now than he ever has been before (assuming he was ever worried about your retarded ass to begin with).

The main offenders of this are the big muscular guys who, because they can lift 6 million pounds at the gym, think that they're invincible. The best defense against this type of assholery is to invite them to put lips to ass.

I hope you've enjoyed this edition of Lord Galen's continuing attempts to scientifically classify the various branches and categories of stupidity here on our planet. If you've been a victim of someone spilling their testosterone on you in this manner, make sure you learn from my mistakes and don't let the fucker off the hook. Always call bullshit on tough-guy morons. If you've been a perpetrator of this particular form of being a dumbass, change your evil ways OR I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU!

No, but seriously, straighten up, little man. Nobody's laughing that hard that you have a little prick. Really, it's time to stop over-compensating. Having a tiny useless brain is a much bigger sin than that tiny functionless giggle-stick hiding in your crotch. Keep the tiny dick, but do us all a favor and grow a fucking brain.


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