Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.
-Hanlon's razor
Lord Galen
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Internet Sex Offender Registry
January 1, 2007


Here's the deal. A few politicians (and MySpace) have come up with a brilliant new idea to "keep kids safe online." MySpace has instituted it, Virginia has made it a state law, and now Senator McCain is floating it through on the federal level.

So what's all the fuss about? The "Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children Act" requires that not only do sex offenders have to register their name, address, etc. but they will also be required to register their online identities. I know everyone who spends any decent amount of time online just laughed at that, but let's get into it anyway.

Senator McCain, let me be the first to congratulate you on coming up with the single most FUCKING WORTHLESS piece of Internet legislation in the history of the world. Really, did you think you were doing a stand-up act instead of making a speech about protecting kids online?

Awww, I'm sorry, I've confused the Senator and all the other old fucks who run this country and obviously don't know a goddamn thing about the Internet. Let me explain for your tiny wrinkled old brain just WHY this act is the dumbest thing ever and why you couldn't have spewed more shit out of your mouth if your digestive system had reversed itself.

You see, my good Senator, here on "teh internets" everyone knows that online identities are easily interchangeable. Let's say, for example, that I steal away one of your friend Mark Foley's little boyfriends and fuck him up the ass. Now, since all of Mark Foley's boyfriends don't even have their pubes yet, this would make me a sex offender. You'll go "rabble rabble rabble rabble!" with your pitch forks and torches and have me arrested, tried, convicted, and put on the sex offender registry. Now, after I'm out of jail and finished getting fucked up the ass by Mark Foley's boyfriends who've grown up, I'll still be on this registry and I'll have to go register my address and make sure the government knows that I'm living next to an elementary school playground. And so, I register:

Ye Olde Official
Sex Offender Registry


Name: Lord Galen, the First, of SnipeMe

Address: 123 Gofuckyourself Dr. / Bumfucked, Egypt

Phone: 1-888-225-5322

Online Screen Name: Galen

E-mail: sickfuck@yahoo.com

So there, I'm all registered and everything is official. OH NOES, "The Man" has all my internets info! What the fuck will I do?! I can't stalk 12yo emo girls from my laptop anymore!!!

WAIT, I KNOW! I'll just spend the whole ONE FUCKING MINUTE to sign up for a new e-mail address at one of the billion and a half free e-mail sites all over the Internet! And I'll just register new accounts everywhere with a NEW SCREEN NAME!

McCain: "Galen, you're oversimplifying! My team of Internet people who will say whatever I want to hear has assured me that there's this thing called an 'IP Address' that will positively identify someone on the Internet! I WIN! HAHAHA!"

Ah, Mr. McCunt, I would agree with you absolutely if it weren't for the 20 badillion proxy servers all around the world that make changing your IP address easier than changing the oil in Ricky Martin's hair!


U PHAIL AT TEH INTERNETS, LUSER!

Alright, let's cut the bullshit. McCain, despite being a Republican, is not a stupid man. He's surely looked into this or had his people look into it and report back to him and HE FUCKING KNOWS that this is a completely worthless little shit log of a bill that he's trying to float through the sewer known as our legislative branch of government. McCain isn't proposing this measure to actually "Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children" because he knows it will stop not one single pervert from doing a goddamn thing! He's put this shit out there to make himself look good to the public! It's a "feel good" law that makes him look like he's doing something and makes the public, who are too stupid and ignorant of the Internet to know any better, feel like their kids are somehow safer online. It's yet another pointless law meant to prey on the ignorance and FEAR that the older generation has about the Internet and all the millions and zillions of pedo boogey-men hiding under every kilobyte waiting to jump out and violate little Suzie's mind by going "Hey baby, A/S/L? ... O RLY, ur only 4, that's HAWT, u wanna send me ur panties?"

OMFG! PEDOPHILES CAN TELEPORT RIGHT OUT OF THE COMPUTER SCREEN! LET'S PASS A NEW BILL TO MAKE THEM GIVE HAND SIGNALS TO THE SKY BEFORE THEY E-RAPE CINDY BRADY!!!

Give me a fucking break! All this bullshit hysteria when, in fact, you're not doing anything to really protect kids online! It's not a myth, some kids really DO get taken advantage of online and these bullshit "make the parents feel more gooder about us" laws AREN'T DOING ONE GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING THING TO STOP IT!"

Oh, but wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. The bullshit "online registry" is only half of this wonderful plan. The other half is that social networking sites (like MySpace, Facebook, Friendster, etc.) as well as anyone who operates a message board, have to ensure that they don't have any sex offenders signing up! So, not only will we have a bullshit registry in place, but then everyone who runs a message board will be required to enforce a ban against the people on this registry. Two problems with this.

First, what's to stop a sex offender from signing the registry with fake information? Maybe he doesn't wanna go through the trouble of making fake accounts and using proxy servers. Maybe when John Mark Karr signs up for the registry, he'll write down that his screen name is "Lord Galen" and put down my fucking e-mail address. BAM! I'm instantly banned from every website and message board for no fucking reason!

Secondly, the Internet is NOT government property and they have no fucking business declaring a global permaban on ANYONE - not even the worst of criminals! I pay a monthly fee to have this site here, hosted on servers owned by a webhosting company. Essentially, I rent this space like you'd rent an apartment and it is a long held axiom on the Internet that visiting someone's website is like walking through their home. Put simply, a website is privately owned property. Rental property, yes, but that is irrelevant. This site is MY FUCKING HOUSE in cyberspace! If I want to allow murderers, thiefs, drugs addicts, and even sex offenders into MY HOUSE, that is NONE OF THE GOVERNMENT'S GOD DAMN BUSINESS!!!

After all this gets passed, it will suddenly be my job, as a message board administrator, to check every new user that signs up against an online database of registered sex offenders' screen names. Pffft.. Three words, pal:

FAT
FUCKING
CHANCE!

It's simply not happening, cunt face. Got it? The government gets to dictate lots of shit, but one thing they don't get to decide is how I run my fucking website. I'm not wasting my fucking time checking every new user against a USELESS AND (most likely) 100% INACCURATE LIST! I'm not about to put my fucking users through that. Grow a brain, you old sleaze!

The bottom line on that deal is that *I* decide who stays and who goes on SnipeMe. Not McCrackhead, not Congress, not the government. I and I alone hold that right. If I wanna kick out every homosexual, I can. It's private property, there's no civil rights here. If I wanna ban all blacks, I can. If I wanna ban all the women, I can. It's MY house, bitch. But that same thing works in reverse. Just like how I can kick out whoever I want, I can also allow in whoever I want. Senator McCain, how dare you try to pass a law dictating what I may and may not do with my privately owned webspace. You, sir, can go fuck yourself, you miserable prick! I'll state right here and now that if this law passes, I will not comply. I refuse to be bullied by the government. I refuse as an act of civil disobedience and you can KISS MY FUCKING ASS!

You want my vote, McCain? Here's what you can do. Acknowledge that nobody in the government is really doing anything to empower young people with the knowledge and rights that they require to protect themselves from the most virulant predators against children - THEIR PARENTS! Eighty-one percent of all child abusers are the victim's parents, you diseased cunt hole! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THAT?! Nothing! Instead of actually (really and truly) protecting children, you're passing bullshit laws that pretend to protect kids from a very small minority of people who pose a danger to them.

Your "Stop the Online Exploitation of Our Children Act" is complete and total steaming HORSE SHIT and I'm calling you on it, you prick! Roll that bill up nice and tight so that people who actually DO care about protecting kids might have a better chance of shoving it down your throat, you cocksucker!


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