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Global Warming And The Morons Who Debate It
January 22, 2007

The following rant is based on this news story:
Federal Way schools restrict Gore film 'Inconvenient Truth' called too controversial

This week in Federal Way schools, it got a lot more inconvenient to show one of the top-grossing documentaries in U.S. history, the global-warming alert "An Inconvenient Truth."

After a parent who supports the teaching of creationism and opposes sex education complained about the film, the Federal Way School Board on Tuesday placed what it labeled a moratorium on showing the film. The movie consists largely of a computer presentation by former Vice President Al Gore recounting scientists' findings.

"Condoms don't belong in school, and neither does Al Gore. He's not a schoolteacher," said Frosty Hardison, a parent of seven who also said that he believes the Earth is 14,000 years old. "The information that's being presented is a very cockeyed view of what the truth is. ... The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD."

Hardison's e-mail to the School Board prompted board member David Larson to propose the moratorium Tuesday night.

"Somebody could say you're killing free speech, and my retort to them would be we're encouraging free speech," said Larson, a lawyer. "The beauty of our society is we allow debate."

School Board members adopted a three-point policy that says teachers who want to show the movie must ensure that a "credible, legitimate opposing view will be presented," that they must get the OK of the principal and the superintendent, and that any teachers who have shown the film must now present an "opposing view."

The requirement to represent another side follows district policy to represent both sides of a controversial issue, board President Ed Barney said.

"What is purported in this movie is, 'This is what is happening. Period. That is fact,' " Barney said.

Students should hear the perspective of global-warming skeptics and then make up their minds, he said. After they do, "if they think driving around in cars is going to kill us all, that's fine, that's their choice."

Asked whether an alternative explanation for evolution should be presented by teachers, Barney said it would be appropriate to tell students that other beliefs exist. "It's only a theory," he said.

While the question of climate change has provoked intense argument in political circles in recent years, among scientists its basic tenets have become the subject of an increasingly stronger consensus.

"In the light of new evidence and taking into account the remaining uncertainties, most of the observed warming over the last 50 years is likely to have been due to the increase in greenhouse gas concentrations," states a 2001 report by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which advises policymakers.

"Furthermore, it is very likely that the 20th-century warming has contributed significantly to the observed sea level rise, through thermal expansion of seawater and widespread loss of land ice."

The basics of that position are backed by the American Meteorological Society, the American Geophysical Union, the American Association for the Advancement of Science and the National Academy of Sciences.

Laurie David, a co-producer of the movie, said that this is the first incident of its kind relating to the film.

"I am shocked that a school district would come to this decision," David said in a prepared statement. "There is no opposing view to science, which is fact, and the facts are clear that global warming is here, now."

The Federal Way incident started when Hardison learned that his daughter would see the movie in class. He objected.

Hardison and his wife, Gayla, said they would prefer that the movie not be shown at all in schools.

"From what I've seen (of the movie) and what my husband has expressed to me, if (the movie) is going to take the approach of 'bad America, bad America,' I don't think it should be shown at all," Gayle Hardison said. "If you're going to come in and just say America is creating the rotten ruin of the world, I don't think the video should be shown."

Scientists say that Americans, with about 5 percent of the world's population, emit about 25 percent of the globe-warming gases.

Larson, the School Board member, said a pre-existing policy should have alerted teachers and principals that the movie must be counterbalanced.

The policy, titled "Controversial Issues, Teaching of," says in part, "It is the teacher's responsibility to present controversial issues that are free from prejudice and encourage students to form, hold and express their own opinions without personal prejudice or discrimination."

"The principal reason for that is to make sure that the public schools are not used for indoctrination," Larson said.

Students contacted Wednesday said they favor allowing the movie to be shown.

"I think that a movie like that is a really great way to open people's eyes up about what you can do and what you are doing to the planet and how that's going to affect the human race," said Kenna Patrick, a senior at Jefferson High School.

When it comes to the idea of presenting global warming skeptics, Patrick wasn't sure how necessary that would be. She hadn't seen the movie but had read about it and would like to see it.

"Watching a movie doesn't mean that you have to believe everything you see in it," she said.

Joan Patrick, Kenna's mother, thought it would be a good idea for students to see the movie. They are the ones who will be dealing with the effects of a warmer planet.

"It's their job," she said. "They're the next generation."

Please take a moment before reading this rant to shake off the effects of that article. Right now, you may be suffering from symptoms such as your mouth hanging open, making repeated "shocked" noises, swearing, etc. These are just some of the uncomfortable effects of prolonged exposure to raw stupid. Please take a moment to recover your intelligence, as such exposure over long periods of time has been shown to cause chronic stupidity poisoning.

Now that you've hopefully recovered from that, let's get started. The first and most glaringly obvious flaw in this is that this "father" (I use that term loosely) is using a religious basis to protest the showing of a documentary (albeit a shitty one) based on science. It's been said before, but this bears repeating for the slow: Science belongs in a school; Religion belongs in a church.

But then, I don't suppose we can fault the guy for not knowing too much about all that science stuff and how education is supposed to work. After all, we have such quotes from him as "The Bible says that in the end times everything will burn up, but that perspective isn't in the DVD." Well no shit, rimjob. And, class, why is that again? Because what the Bible says does not belong in a government controlled education, you retarded fuck! You don't want your tax dollars paying for Al Gore to be shown, fine, but I don't want my tax dollars paying for my kids to be told YOUR RELIGION. When my kids wanna learn about God, there are many perfectly good churches to send them to where a qualified minister can instruct them in their faith, instead of a tax-supported employee of the United States government.

And, y'know what, fuck that. That's not even the central issue. This fucking retard has the nerve to make a statement like "Al Gore doesn't belong in school." Hey, enema stick, why don't you follow me while I make a right-hand turn onto WHOTHEFUCKAREYOU Avenue! Al Gore doesn't belong in schools? AL GORE DOESN'T?! And I fucking suppose YOU do, right? A Sunday school maybe, and that's fine, but a public school funded by my goddamn tax dollars? I think the former Vice President of the United States has a lot more business being in a government institution than your back-water hick ass!

Seriously, you asshole, who the fuck are YOU to come along saying what does and doesn't belong in our schools? Would you like a clue as to who, in actual fact, doesn't belong in our schools? Fuck a clue, you wouldn't get it anyway. The answer is:

Y  O  U

You're just some goddamn asshole know-it-all parent who thinks he can do a better fucking job than the people who're actually TRAINED TO TEACH and you think you can come up with a better plan to teach kids than the people whose only purpose in life is coming up with better plans to teach shit to kids. And, when you finally steal the spotlight to tell us all about your brilliant fucking educational theories (based, surely, on that doctorate in Early Childhood Education that you hold), what do you make of this opportunity? You proselytize about your FAITH. Way to go asshole. Yeah, thanks, the lack of a steeple on top of the school building really had me fucking confused for a minute there; I didn't realize the federal government was funding your goddamn sermon today, Reverend Dipshit.

And before I move on, I'd just like to give a shout-out to the fucking Federal Way school in that article. Good job, giving in to pressure from a fucking fruitcake parent, assholes! Way to stick to the Constitution! Religious horseshit does NOT belong in a public school! You assholes caving in to the demands of a screaming asylum candidate does nothing but validate this bullshit! You were right, nothing needed to be changed, GROW A FUCKING SPINE and tell that nosy ignorant-ass fucking parent to go stick his head in a turbine!

But, alas, Mr. fucking-know-it-all-who-masturbates-to-the-bible-and-gets-a-stiffy-everytime-they-use-the-word-"begat" is hardly the only moron in the great Global Warming debate. The other morons consist of the approximately 4 billion people around the world who are advanced enough to know what Global Warming even IS.

So, lemme break this down for you n00bs. The planet Earth, in its entire 4+billion year history (or 44,000 year history, if you're a cunt), has gone through many stages. It was hot, it was cold, it was hot, it was cold, it was hot, it was cold, etc, etc. Now, for the first time in our history we're noticing that it's starting to get hotter. I don't know why this is a big fucking shock to anyone considering that, on a cosmic scale, the Earth changes temperatures like a menapausal woman as the estrogen drains out of her, but what the hell ever.

Now, the salient question is not really about the Earth getting hotter or whether global warming exists or not. Of course it exists. Anyone smart enough to watch the weather report every day can see that. When I was a kid, just waiting for the bus on any given January 22nd would cause icicles to form and hang from my balls. Now, in 2007, I wear a light windbreaker and that's only because I'm a giant fucking pussy when it comes to the cold. People in Florida were lying by their pools this past weekend. So yeah, the planet's getting hotter and winter is getting less harsh. By the time my kids are adults, the entire chain of Burlington Coat Factories in the south will probably be out of business. So let's please not waste anyone's fucking time arguing about whether global warming is "real" or not. Take the thermometer out of your fucking asshole and try checking the temperature outside every now and then, you fucking mongrel jackass.

The issue at hand here is whether global warming is a natural phenomenon or if it's something that mankind has caused (like, y'know, that giant fucking hole in the Ozone layer... or is that just "junk science" too?). Who's right. Well, for that answer, we go to a man who hasn't made an appearance in quite some time. SnipeMe's official mascot, UNCLE SAM! Uncle Sam has one answer for BOTH sides of this crucial debate:

Yes, that's right, this is yet another issue like Abortion. We have 2 sides of an argument where neither fucking side has any solid scientific basis to argue their point of view, yet they keep moving their fucking lips up and down anyway! Is it possible that global warming is just a natural process of the Earth heating up and cooling down as it has for the past for-fucking-ever? Absolutely! Is it possible that this isn't natural and that, instead, WE caused it, just like we caused the Ozone fuck-up and the dodo bird going extinct, and a mentally retarded Texan to become President? Absolutely!

I know I'll get e-mails on this one. Some idiot who's just as lame as the guy in the news article that kicked this rant off will write in thinking that he fucking knows more than me. I'll be expecting my daily delivery of amatuer snuff and rape videos from Guantanamo Bay to appear in my Inbox for my masturbatory fun when, instead, I'll get "Galen, the scientific proof is irrefutable! How can you say it's not?! How can you say there's even two real sides to this debate?! You don't know what you're talking about! You're just a pathetic little man who thinks he knows everything because he has a website blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!" Then, I'll take some inspiration from my life long hero, Strong Bad...

...and then I'll go take a nap. Frankly, Bindi Irwin themed lolicon has more intellectual merit than e-mails that try to tell me how wrong I am. Hell, the period at the end of the last sentence has a higher IQ than the people who send me "You're wrong, Galen!" e-mails!

No, you intestinal wart, the scientific evidence ISN'T "irrefutable" and if you honestly believe that, then you don't have a fucking clue what science actually IS. There are a million unanswered questions and any scientist who says that they know the answer definatively is a fucking crackpot.

So, just like the abortion debaters out there, all of you global warming dumbasses can just shut the fuck up. You don't know what the hell you're talking about and NOBODY has enough evidence to give a definate answer. My guess is that global warming is probably a combination of both natural heating of the Earth and the greenhouse effect in the atomosphere thanks to us and our fucking pollution. I'd say that BOTH sides are right. But, I certainly can't say that with any certainty since I'm not a fucking moron who thinks he knows the answers to shit for which there are, currently NO definative answers! That's just my guess; take that for whatever it's worth.

In conclusion, and to recap for those whose eyes glaze over when they read my shit, here's some bullet points to summarize.

• The Bible doesn't know shit about global warming. God didn't see that one coming. Deal with it, crackhead.

• Anyone not accepting the first point as a fact is entitled to their beliefs, but not entitled to be taken seriously by anyone in the public education system.

• Al Gore in our schools: Fine.
• You in our schools:
• Like most other subjects, your brain is completely void of relevant information on the topic of global warming. You only know what Dan Rather tells you, now go eat your pot pie, trailer trash.

• Sickening cartoon representations of the Crocidile Hunter's kid doing things you've never even heard of, drawn by fat American assholes who wish they were Japanese, are intellectually superior to whatever e-mail you're planning on writing me.

• Science isn't about who's right or wrong, it's about finding the truth and never calling it the truth until you've totally and in every single way eliminated the slightest chance that it could be bullshit.

• Whatever you're opinion on global warming is, you're wrong.

That pretty much sums it all up. Go ahead and send your dumbass e-mail. When you don't get a reply, you'll know why.

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