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Your Doll Sucks Ass, Little Poor Girl, Fuck Off!
April 1, 2007

Sadly, despite the date, this is not an April Fools joke. Though the story does talk about a lot of fucking fools. The following rant is based on this Consumerist article:
American Girl Place Mocks 6 Year-Old For Having A Doll From Target, Refuses To Style The Doll's Hair

This story is just heartbreaking. We feel really, really bad for this little girl. Etta saved all her money and purchased a pretty doll from Target named Gracie. When she was invited by her friend to bring her doll to American Girl Place for a "doll hairstyle" she was thrilled...until the stylist chided her for not having a "real" doll and refused her business.

From Etta's Mom's Blog:

"Come spend a day you'll never forget!" the website promised. And boy did you deliver.

Frommers Guide to New York says "don't forget to bring [your] favorite doll so it can get a makeover at the store's own doll salon." I know it's craaaaazy that a Target fake (that cost only $29.99 of Etta's real saved money!) would be her favorite doll but it was.

At least it used to be.

Back when she thought it was real.

"This isn't a real doll!" the stylist exclaimed. (Thank your stylist!--we never would have had the heart to explain it that way!). And to prove that a fake doll isn't worth the plastic she's molded out of, she refused to do the doll's hair.

I'm not sure exactly what's in it for your company, because you still stood to make $20 off of my daughter for doing the fake doll's hair. I have two thoughts on that. Either her $20 wasn't worth the same as someone else's $20 (in which case I've learned something new too!) OR it was worth the $20 to you to be able to be the one to break the news to, I mean, to *enlighten* my little girl. You do promise to teach little girls, don't you?

And she cried and cried and cried, and your stylist held her ground. That was a good lesson for her too. That feelings don't have a place in "the heart of Manhattan's prestigious shopping neighborhood" (another quote from your website).

This makes us feel terrible. Really terrible. We had a fake Cabbage Patch Kid when we were small. Our parents weren't about to wait in line and punch other people just to buy a doll, so we made due. We loved that fake doll, and can't imagine how terrible we'd have felt being publicly humiliated in front of "Real Cabbage Patch Kid" owners:

And did you realize how loyal to you all the other mommies in line were? You'd have been proud of them.

One chided Etta for not knowing she couldn't bring a fake doll to the store. Tsk tsk. She's in first grade now and can read by herself (taught herself, in fact). She probably should have done the research. There's another great lesson for her. (Thanks mom in line!)

One mom muttered to another that Etta probably couldn't afford a real one. Great hunch! She's six!

One mom just smiled and said "Well, American Girl Dolls aren't for everyone, you know." A sentence cleverly crafted to make Etta feel like someone cared about her but also to be aware that she really didn't belong there in your fancy store with the other, richer, better girls. How compassionate!


[ Source ]
[ The mom's blog posting ]

So, this little 6yo girl uses her own money that she's saved up from her allowance and whatnot to buy herself a cute little baby doll. She loves the doll and takes care of it and blah blah blah. Then she goes to American Girl Place to get her doll a nice little hairdo for $20. Anyone who has a heart would be thinking "aww, that's cute."

It's just too bad that the fucking cunts at American Girl don't have a heart, obviously. How the fuck are you just gonna yell at a six year old little girl that her doll's "fake" and basically not worth your fucking time? How are you gonna sit there and make that kid cry and basically tell her to go shove her cheap-ass doll up her ass?


What in the fucking hell is WRONG with you stuck-up bitches? So the kid didn't buy your expensive ass fucking product? SO FUCKING WHAT?! She was still gonna pay your snobby asses $20 to style a doll's fake fucking hair! Her money is somehow not fucking good enough for you bitches because her doll came from Target?

Well, shit, I guess you picked the right name for your company. That's certainly a nice American Girl attitude you've got there. The same kind of attitude where Buffy, Mindy, and Trixy hop in their convertable BMW and go out for some mocha lattes at O' De Cuntes, spend $300 getting extra foam, and then when they're walking out and a homeless child asks them for some spare change, they laugh, hike up their $6,000 designer skirts, and menstruate on the kid's face!

Yup, there's that all-American bitch spirit, alright! But, omg, what's this? Gee, it's the American Girl website and it's amazingly full of shit!

Follow Your Inner Star

American Girl celebrates a girl's inner star - the little whisper inside that encourages her to stand tall, reach high, and dream big. We take pride and care in helping girls become their very best today so they'll grow up to be the women who make a difference tomorrow.

Seems to me that for the sake of truth in advertising, maybe that little opening banner on your site should be re-worded. It should look more like this:

Follow Your Inner Whore

American Girl celebrates a girl's inner whore - the little whisper inside that encourages her to stand tall on the backs of others, reach down to slap the little guy around, and dream about big bucks. We take pride and care in helping girls become stuck up fucking cunts today so they'll grow up to be the Ann Coulters of tomorrow.

Yeah... now that's more like it! In fact, while we're working on getting you a more true-to-life image, we might as well change the name to be more fitting as well. Damn, that's complicated though. You need a new logo and all that shit! Well, I can at least help ya out with picking the name and changing your logo. You now owe me $2,000 for my artistic talents. I mean, it's all about the Benjamins, right?

I got news for you, American Bitches. While you run your fat fucking cunty mouths and look down on little Etta, she is fucking BETTER THAN YOU. Yeah, that's right. Even without the assload of money you expect six year old children to have, she still kicks your ass any fucking day! It's just a simple fact of life that a kind, compassionate, sweet little girl standing there crying with her little dolly beats the fucking cow shit out of fat, useless, old, moldy, dried-up, consumer whore, skank-ass, foul fucking CUNTS!

Drop to your knees right fucking now and-- NO! Let go of my dick, you fuckin' tramp! Get on your knees and PRAY to Jesus fucking Christ Almighty and thank him. Oh yes, thank him that I was not at American Girl Place that day. You would've been OWNED, bitch. Thank him even harder for the fact that Etta is not my daughter. Had you done that shit to my child, I swear to fucking Christ, I would have reached out and slapped every one of you bitches to the fucking ground! And if you got back up, I'd strangle your snobby ass and beat you until I fucked up your nose job!

Oh, but let's not leave this rant before I've had a turn at the "mothers" (and I use that term loosely) who were standing in line behind Etta. What kind of mom could be so blatantly cruel to a crying 6yo girl? Hmm?! What the fuck kind of PERSON could do that? Oh, I know, an American Girl! You're no "mother." MotherFUCKER is more like it! I'd like for all of you in that line to e-mail me. Send me your names and addresses so that I can tell Child Services about the torture rack you probably have in your basement where you and your snobby little bitch protege torture middle class children for being not good enough to breathe the same air as you.

If Etta's mother should ever read this, please get in touch with me. I'm hereby publicly offering to buy her any doll she wants and send it to her. As long as it's not an American Girl doll; fuck them. I'm going to buy one of those dolls off eBay and burn it. American Girl can rest assured that they will NEVER have any of MY business and no daughter of mine will EVER own anything with the American Girl brand on it!

In conclusion, I'd just like to say that I hope every single one of you fucking pathetic cunts at Amerian Girl choke to death on your cappuccino tonight. Burn in Hell, cocksuckers!

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