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Ageism: That's Allstate's Stand
May 18, 2007

Are you in good hands? Well, maybe if you're not a teenager. If, however, you find yourself classed as a "teen driver" then I'm not so sure you're in good hands with Allstate. Depends on what you consider being in "good hands." I guess if you consider being thought of as a fucking retard to be good customer care, then hell yeah you're in great hands!

What the fuck am I talking about? I'm talking about an Allstate Insurance advertisement which reads:

Why do most 16-year olds drive like they're missing a part of their brain? Because they are.

Below that text is a graphic of the human brain with a car-shaped hole in it and some bullshit about how "inferior" the teenaged brain is. Great, more of this crap... A lot of the anti-teen camp (especially MADD) absolutely came in their pants a while back when this new study was released showing that the human brain doesn't become fully developed until around age 25. Or, well, that's what the anti-teen folks wanted to see anyway. That study was immediately touted by the media, MADD, and other paragons of stupidity (like Allstate) as proof positive that teenagers are genetically programmed dumbfucks with "inferior" brains to those of adults.

Sadly, Allstate hasn't got a fucking clue and obviously can't be bothered to actually read that infamous report for themselves. Contrary to the media hype, the report does NOT conclude that teenagers have an "inferior brain" nor does it actually say that the human brain isn't fully functional until age twenty-five. Those are the two main points shoved in every teenager's fucking face because of this article, but those two points weren't even in the study! Well, I mean, we only have the word of the authors of the study who have stated more than once that those were NOT the conclusions reached by their study, nor does their study imply those things to be the case. Who're you gonna believe, the guys who actually did the fucking research and wrote the report, or a dickhead company like Allstate who drooled on their little retard bib and said "Durrrr, the media says kids r stoopid, let's run with it!"

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you, Allstate's advertising department....

That is, in my estimate, an accurate portrayal of what must be going on behind the scenes at Allstate Insurance. Some fucking retard sitting in a closet decides "kidz r dum = guud ad!"

I have to wonder if Allstate would be willing to put out any other advertisements based on media-hyped pseudoscience. Shit, I can go back about 60 years and find a fucking MOUNTAIN of "scientific evidence" to justify this ad:

Why do most blacks drive like they're missing a part of their brain? Because they are.

Hey, here's a good one. Let's go back 80 to 100 years and check out some of that awesome fucking science! Then we can put this ad up in Times Square:

Why do most women drive like they're missing a part of their brain? Because they are.

Hey, I'm looking at some statistical data right now that shows blacks and women are involved in a shitload more car accidents than white men. Shit, there's your "science" let's stick up some more bigoted advertising! C'mon Allstate, don't fucking pussy out now, you bitches!

Oh no, Allstate would never in a million goddamn years even DREAM of printing a fucking ad disparaging any minorities. Unless of course the minorities happen to be actual minors. Then, just like everything else kids are involved in, it's fucking fair game. Nobody's gonna call them out on their dumbshit fucking ad about teenagers being FUCKING STUPID behind the wheel because the vast majority of people agree with them! Just like in 1950, nobody would've called them out for a negative ad about blacks.

Good thing I'm way ahead of my fucking time. I'M calling you shit-eating cunts out! "Durr, teenagers r idiots!" No, assface, teenagers are not idiots, nor do they have a fucking hole in their brains! Teenagers are statistically worse drivers than adults because they are inexperienced drivers, NOT because they are young drivers! Kick the driving age up to 30 and guess what'll happen... Thirty year olds will be the inexperienced drivers and THEY'LL be the ones having all the fucking car accidents! Lower the driving age to 10 and then ten year olds will be the ones having all the fucking car accidents and they'll be much better drivers by the time they're 16. It's about experience, not maturity, not intelligence, and for damn sure not some indulgement of the media and MADD's wet dream about what a fucking scientific study says.

Allstate Insurance, you are fucking pathetic. History will remember you in the same way it now remembers all those diners that wouldn't let blacks sit at the counter and eat. Bigotry against a minority is no way to do business and that includes teenagers, you fucking assholes.

But that's ok... Hope you're feeling good about yourselves right now. I'm betting that in a few years when today's teenagers are buying their own cars and shopping around for an insurance company, they just might remember the company that thought it was a great idea to insult them with a shitty little ad campaign. Enjoy all the business you've lost from the next generation of car insurance consumers, you cocksuckers.

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