Juvenile Growth Syndrome
January 1, 2007
There is a serious problem many children suffer through these days. Your child may suffer, as well, but you might not recognize it. The symptoms are many, and are perhaps common problems you have with your kid already. Let's see if your child is yet another victim.
1. Have you ever been angry and shouted "FUCK" real loud, only to find out later your child is saying "Fuck!"? You may try slapping him or putting soap in his mouth, only to find him using that and other filthy words still, usually amongst other people. I'm sure you're mortified. This is just one symptom.
2. Do you find your child staying awake later than 8:30pm? You tucked her in and told her to go to sleep, only for her to be out of bed fifteen minutes later wanting something to drink or saying she isn't tired? You know this is a problem, but don't know what to do about it? Your child isn't falling right to sleep as soon as you tell her to? This is another symptom.
3. You're driving somewhere with your child, perhaps a long drive, and he tells you he has to go to the bathroom. Obviously, this must be very irritating. You already had to stop for a bathroom break an hour ago. Having to stop because of him is unbearable. Of course, it could be because he did not go to the bathroom before you left. You told him and told him to go to the bathroom and he said he didn't have to go. Clear sign of defiance to not use the toilet when told. Or perhaps it is not his fault. It is merely another symptom.
4. Does your child not eat everything on her plate? Does she say she doesn't like certain foods? This is a classic situation. She sees you avoiding the spinach because you don't like it, and thinks she can do the same with the potatoes au gratin. If this sounds like your child, I'm afraid this too is a symptom.
5. Does your child ever raise his voice for any reason, especially anger? It is a bad habit, but also is a symptom.
6. Ever go into the fridge to get yourself a beer only to find your child has finished the soda again? Does she keep wanting candy and cake? Children eating and drinking unhealthy sugary things is another symptom, I'm afraid.
7. Does your child watch television and play video games? Does he use the internet at all? Do you find him looking things up on Wikipedia rather than using the complete set of encyclopedias on your bookshelf you've had since the early 1980s? These are other signs of this serious problem.
8. Do you find your child generally doing things without asking for your permission first? Does she talk to people without asking you first if it's okay for her to talk to them? Does she think she's independent? This is another symptom.
If any of these sound like your child, then he/she may have this horrible syndrome. It's called Juvenile Growth Syndrome, or JGS, and strikes millions of children from infants to age 18. Essentially, it is children who think they are adults or should be acting like adults. They are children who think they can make any decisions without their parents' approval. Of course, we adults exhibit all of these things all the time, but we are adults. Children should not be acting this way. It is hard to say how this develops. Some say it just comes naturally. Luckily, psychiatrists are developing a drug for this sort of thing. Have your child take one pill each day, and these symptoms should subside. Side effects include diarrhea, heart attack, stroke, and may increase the risk of liver cancers.
Think of it. No more children staying up later than you want them to or being too curious. No more children engaging in unhealthy or undesirable habits or behaviors. You'll have the perfect child. He'll fall asleep instantly when you give the word. He'll have total control of his bladder and bowels, so he won't be bothering you that he needs to go to the bathroom at times when his doing so is an inconvenience to you. He'll never imitate any of the bad behaviors of his elders. He'll know that what you say goes. He'll never touch an electronic device without being under your strict rules of usage.
You'll have a loving, obedient child who is around when you want him to be, and not around when you don't want him to be. You don't have to worry about him growing up too fast or at all.
For more information, call 1-800-555-JGSP, for Juvenile Growth Syndrome pills. Together, we can keep our kids from ever growing up!