Never be a spectator of unfairness or stupidity. Seek out argument and disputation for their own sake.
-Christopher Hitchens
Lord Galen
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Kindergarten Fundraising Bullshit
April 27, 2007


Dear Galen


I'm a big fan of your website. I think that it's VERY refreshing to see someone who is in no way afraid to speak up and say something. Having said that... *brown noses some more*

I would like to get your opinion on something, if I could. My 6 year old daughter recently had a fundraiser for her school. Now this was not your typical bake sale. This was one of those deals where they have a literal salesman come to the school, put on an assembly and make these pittily dollar store prizes seem like a big deal. I remember such assemblies from my grammer school years as well. Obviously I have my doubts, yet I let her participate. It's very hard to say "no!" to the genuine excitement of a happy kindergartener.

Well needless to say, we were all scammed. From the 24oz/7" cheesecakes for $14 dollars, down to the sorry "prizes" that my daughter was rewarded with for all her hard work.

So, being the tactless, abraisive, take no prisoners person I am there was OF COURSE a not so nice email written to them. (It is enclosed below.) Here is the problem, this is where you will hopefully come in. Some people may feel like I'm jumping the gun and "shooting from the hip". I do not, and WILL not say "I'm sorry" for my words and feelings in this case. So what is the verdict??? Do you think I was too abraisive, or not abraisive enough?



Here is their website:
http://www.masterpiececookies.com/fundraising/index.php

Please let me know what you think.

Hope to hear from you soon!

Signed,
[name removed by Galen]


Dear Mom,

Wow. First of all, I'm amazed that any parents read this site! You have a 6yo daughter and you enjoy my site? I dunno what it is, but that just surprises me. I understand why 200 teenagers a minute are reading my shit, but... Again, I don't know why, but I just never pictured my site as being one that's read by people with kids. I wonder if you read my rants to your daughter as bedtime stories. That would kick ass. I'd totally do that.

Actually, if your daughter likes Dr. Suess, I've been thinking about reading "Fox in Socks" on Sniper Radio because I love that book and it's fucking funny as shit trying to read it fast. For those who've never read it, it's a helluva a tongue twister. It was always my favorite book to read to the Pre-K kids I taught. So, have her tune in for that whenever I do it. The sooner she learns that Lord Galen is her god, the better! In fact, I think I need MORE parents tuning in to SnipeMe.com so that we can raise a generation of loyal Galenists!

Anyway, on to your problem. I also remember how that was and it hasn't changed. Just a couple of years ago they had some dude come to the school I worked at and pimp out this bullshit to the kids. It's sickening and you're right about what a fucking scam it is. They give a percentage of sales to the school, they take a percentage of sales, and they use the smallest percentage of all to "reward" the kids for doing all of their fucking work for them! I gotta say, it's a really good scam, for sure. Have kids do all the work for you and then pay them less than shit! I think that's the same employment package they use with kids in the factories of 3rd world countries, right?

To answer your question, no you were NOT too harsh. In fact, you were far too polite with those fucking cocksuckers! What you should've done was drive to their offices, toss all their bullshit products on the reception desk and demand your fucking money back!

Here, I'll write one for you:

To Whom It May Concern: My daughter sold your products for her school. Over $100 worth of shit she sold for you. That's better than your average department store slut running around trying to sell training bras to snotty little eleven year olds and their bitchy moms. And for doing more work than a dumb cunt who earns minimum wage, what does she get from you? Some bullshit little products that amount to slave wages! You motherfuckers, she sold $100 worth of your useless crap and got $2 worth of reward?

You can be sure that the next time you show up at my daughter's school, I'll be sending out letters to all the parents to remind them of what cheapskate bastards you are and encouraging them NOT to buy your worthless shit!

Sincerely,
One pissed off mama!

There's how you handle those stupid fucks. And furthermore, since I'm all for Youth Rights, you need to teach your sweet little kid how to handle those fuckers too. Here are a few phrases she can use the next time some cheap ass hands her a useless toy. Teach these to her:

"Are you kidding me? I wanted a Wii, you cheap bastards!"

"What the fuck?! I have shit stains in my underwear that's more fun than this!"

"You're just like my dog. I give you loyalty and all you can give me back is SHIT!"

*SLAP* "What're you, a wiseass? You better break out the whiskey and pot in about 5 seconds, motherfucker!"

"Are you some kinda pedophile? Cuz you sure are fuckin' me right now, asshole!"

Have her try those out. In fact, if you record her saying that shit and e-mail it to radio at this domain, I'll put her on Sniper Radio. I mean, in a fuckin' heart beat, cuz that would be radio GOLD! Not that I really think you'll do it, but it's an idea, lol!

Anyway, there's your answer. Give those fuckers ten times as much hell as you did and teach your daughter "Y'know how I tell you to be respectful too adults? ... Well, not THOSE adults. You should hike up your skirt and piss on their foot like a little puppy."


Much Loathing,
Lord Galen


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