Wasted youth is better by far the a wise and productive old age.
-Meatloaf
Lord Galen
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Fear of Statutory Rape
January 16, 2007


Dear Galen


I am in a relationship with a sixteen year old girl, this relationship is long distance, we're separated by the Atlantic..fucking yay. Anyway, we've been dating for over a year now, we regularly cyber and even partake in a little light phone sex.. But in the latter we always end up getting embarrassed. On to my problem, as I mentioned she is sixteen, I however am now eighteen. I just recently turned this age and when I was wished happy birthday by her, I realised that if.. and only if we where to meet, which we are planning, and if we where to engage in sexual activity, I could be charged/sued/labeled.. for paedophilia and statutory rape because I am no longer a minor. This brings great duress to us both, I for one do not at all mind if we ever have sex before or after she turns eighteen and becomes an adult as well.. It's just, we discuss it a lot, I'm worried I will either end up having to outright refuse sex if she asks, or end up just.. giving in.. Becoming.. a paedophile.. To be honest I really love her, sex is not all that important at all, but I do want my first time to be with her. I guess I'd just like a little advice.. >.> Not knowing how or what to do..

Signed,
Universum


Dear Universum,

It seems that, at least once a year, I get a Dear Galen regarding age-disparate relationships. Yours is, by far, the smallest age gap I've gotten a letter about as yet. The difference between a 16yo and an 18yo should be meaningless in the eyes of the law, but in this ageist superficial world we live in, it's not.

Just, before we get started with this, I need to point out your incorrect terminology.

or end up just.. giving in.. Becoming.. a paedophile..

Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to PRE-PUBESCENT children. Unless your girlfriend is boobless, hairless, and 5 feet talk, you're not a pedophile even if you boink her fucking brains out. The LAW has a problem with your ages because a minor technicality. You are in no way mentally ill for being attracted to a girl who is 2 years younger than you and acting on it, despite the legality, will also not make you mentally ill. Now, moving on....

Based on your spelling and that you're both "seperated by the Atlantic" (and the fact that you told me in the Additional Comments section of the submission form), I'm guessing that you live in the UK. I have to assume that your online girlfriend lives in the US. And, also, I'm assuming that this is a strictly Internet-and-phone based relationship.

First of all, I hope you're CERTAIN about her age. It's impossible to tell someone's age over IM and even over the phone if they speak well enough. She could be 13 for all you know. Hopefully though, you do know her age for a fact. Just throwing that out there.

Secondly, realize that you two couldn't be from the WORST countries where this shit is concerned. The United States is absolutely batshit insane over even the smallest age difference in relationshps and there's only one country that's worse about it: Merry old England. If the authorities in either country get wind of your cybersex and phone sex fun, you could get slapped with "indecent communications with a minor" or some other such made-up bullshit charge and your girl will get slapped with "OMG, YOU'RE A VICTIM! INTO THERAPY YOU GO UNTIL YOU ADMIT THAT YOU WERE MENTALLY RAPED AND SPEND YOUR LIFE IN MISERY BECAUSE OF IT, YOU LITTLE WHORE!"

Of course, this is a worst-case scenario. Odds are that you'll be fine as long as you don't go flaunting your relationship under people's noses. And, most importantly, you must never lay one fucking finger on (or in) her until she is 18 years of age!

When I was 19, I dated a 15yo girl. She was awesome and fucking HOT too. But you better believe that I didn't step a toe out of line until she turned 16 (the AoC where I live). I didn't relish the thought of becoming Bubba's boy-toy in a small concrete love nest with lovely steel bars. Keep those hormones in check, craddle-robbing Captain Erection!

Ok, ok, enough clowning around. My serious advice to you is to get your own goddamn teenage girls and leave ours alone, you pansy british fag!

Alright, in all seriousness (for real this time, lol), all you need to do is avoid meeting her at all until she's 18. Even if you don't intend to have sex with her, try proving that in an American or British court. You'd have better luck advocating for Harry Potter at a Southern Baptist Convention.

Sorry to paint such a depressing picture, but it's a depressing world we live in. Sucks to be you. Good luck.


Hate,
Galen


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