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Southern Accents - TV vs Reality
June 27, 2006

Holy fucking hell, I've been meaning to bitch about this one for a long damn time. It's no surprise to me that most of America thinks the south is populated by complete fucking retards. Granted, it IS mostly conservative, but the general stupid populace down here isn't actually any less intelligent than anywhere else on the planet, per capita. Good God do we ever get the bad rap though and I can tell you why.

Turn on TNT and try to watch something. You can't get through a single commercial break without hearing about how "Kyra Sedgewick is THE CLOSER" and then you get to hear her open her fucking mouth and out comes the most godawful FAKE southern accent! OH MY FUCKING GOD, hearing that bitch talk makes me want to stab pencils into my ears! What's worse is that every fucking role she plays in anything, she plays a goddamn southerner! Hey, take a look at Wikipedia sometime you stupid assholes! She was born in fucking NEW YORK CITY and lives in fucking CALIFORNIA! As far as I can find, she's never lived in the south - EVER! Yet here she is on the fucking TV with her satan-spawn bastard accent making every real southerner sound like a cat in a fucking garbage disposal!

And that's what we have to put up with. I got news for the rest of you people in the country. Unless you actually know someone from the south, you really DON'T have a fucking clue what a southern accent sounds like. If you think reruns of "Mama's Family" are an accurate representation, then you're a goddamn idiot. I've lived in the south for 26 of the 27 years I've been alive and I have NEVER met anyone who talks like that dumbass old bitch. Y'know why? CUZ SHE WASN'T SOUTHERN, IDIOT!

Get this through your fucking heads. No, you CAN'T "do a southern accent!" Every time any non-southerner tries, it comes out sounding fucking retarded. I know, I know, you think real southerners sound retarded anyway and I'm not gonna argue with that, but believe me when I say that your impressions of southern people make YOU sound an order of magnitude more fucking retarded then the biggest hillbilly in the south!

Now, why oh why, am I defending the southern accent? Well, I'm not really. It's not that I like the southern accent, it's just that I fucking HATE the dumbass fake southern accents that non-southerners put on for TV shows and shit like that. Seriously, every fucking time I saw a commercial for that "Dukes of Hazzard" remake and I had to hear that ugly whore Jessica Simpson say "I think sumthin' musta bounced up inta my undacarage" I wanted to fucking shoot myself. Newsflash: NOBODY in the south sounds like that; seriously nobody!

And, y'know, I have to wonder why the southern accent has such a bad rap anyway. The southern accent evolved from the Irish accent in the same way that the Cajun accent evolved from the French accent. To this day, the Irish still share most of the stereotypically "southern" traits. Things like clipping the "g" off of "ing" words (runnin', fishin', huntin', etc) and running words together like the Jeff Foxworthy jokes about "redneck words." Y'know like "letter carrier" translating into "If she's gonna pack all that let 'er carry 'er on luggage." Oh, and don't forget the most obvious thing; how they (and we) put WAY too much emphasis on the letter "r" in most words. Yet, everyone refers to the Irish accent as "musical." Musical my ass! They sound like rednecks who've lived in England for too damn long! Think I'm bullshiting you? When I lived overseas, you wouldn't believe how many people asked "Are you from Ireland?" when I spoke. So why is it that they get labeled with "musical" and we get labaled with "ignorant."

Ah, but I'm getting off track. Think what you will about the southern accent (I'm not exactly a fan of it myself and I fucking have one), but please please PLEASE stop trying to imitate it. You sound like a jackass. Not just a jackass, but a jackass who's fallen out of a tree and hit your head on a rock. No, asshole, Deliverance was NOT an accurate portrayal of the south OR of the southern accent. Those fuckers weren't southern either!

In closing, I'd like to say once again that Kyra Sedgewick should shut the holy fucking hell up and STOP playing southern roles! Give the southern roles to actual rednecks! Sedgewick is half british (her father) and half Jewish (her mother) for fuck's sake! You can't get much fucking further from being southern than that bitch is! Kyra Sedgwick, please SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!

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