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Someone At The Southern Baptist Convention Made Sense....
Then The Rest Of Them Chimed In.
June 15, 2006

The following rant is based on the news story reprinted below.


Alright, so let me start this rant by summarizing that article for ya. This one guy, Moran (no, I didn't make that up), actually game up with a good idea. He presented his idea and the Southern Baptists essentially had two choices to work with.

Choice A: Since they're pissed off at public schools for teaching "ungodly" things, they could pull their kids out and either homeschool them or put them in private Christian schools where they could be properly brainwa-- er, indoctrin--, um, *ahem* educated in "good Christian values." Y'know, those good 'ol down-home values like how homosexuals are the spawn of Satan and Evolution is the science of the damned.

Choice B: Leave kids in public schools and just go about the normal routine of trying to shove the Southern Baptist point of view down the throats of the public school system which includes students who are Atheists, Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, etc. All the while, keep bitching about how this diverse group doesn't seem willing to accept the SBC's "Word of God" and how they keep giving that lame ass excuse about how public schools - government institutions - are Constitutionally FORBIDDEN from endorsing any religious viewpoint whatsoever.

I'm sorry, maybe that was too complex. Let me dumb it down even further. They were given the simple choice between pulling their kids out of public school and teaching them whatever the fuck they wanna teach them, or just leaving their kids in public school and continuing to bitch and whine about it. Guess which one they picked.

Look, I don't agree with any of the bullshit they're saying, but from the SBC's point of view, this Moran guy had a damn good idea! If you don't want your kids learning a certain thing, DON'T SEND THEM TO WHERE IT IS TAUGHT, IDIOT!

Now, of course, I don't believe any of these parents have any right to shield their kids from... um, what's that thing called again? Oh, right, REALITY! But, again, from their point of view (in which ageism is A-okay), this was a super-fantabulous fucking idea! If their real goal was the Christian education of their children, this would've been the perfect solution.

Sadly, the SBC's real goal is not to provide a "good Christian upbringing" for their children. Their goal is to provide a "good Christian upbringing" (their version of it, anyway) to EVERYONE'S children! And that's why Moran's idea got tossed down the shitter. It was an idea based on the concept of the Southern Baptists minding their own fucking business and staying out of other people's. That kind of thinking just isn't welcome at the SBC.

See, the SBC has failed to follow in the moderately successful footsteps of another group of bigots: Racists. When schools were first integrated, the racists in the south had a bright idea like this one. They decided they'd pull their kids out of public school and put them in private schools instead. To this day, private schools in the rural south continue to be mostly enclaves of bigotry where white kids don't have to put up with having black people in their presence and their parents can be happy knowing that the handful of black kids who managed to get into the private schools are just their to remind the white kids of what they hate. The little junior-KKK members in these schools are never exposed to anything different and are always told "nigger" this and "nigger" that, so naturally they grow up with their parents' values of "blah blah nigger nigger blah blah." While the real world always wins out in the end (and it is slowly winning out now), these bigots did manage to stave off the influx of reality for several decades and they continue to do so. They have successfully managed to hold on to (and pass on to their children) their ass-backwards little hillbilly "values." So, why can't the SBC follow their example? Frankly, it makes it easier for intelligent people like me when all the dumbasses go ahead and segregate themselves from the general populace. I know better than to send my kids to "private school" here in the south and despite my wife's protestations, I also know better than to send them to any sort of "Christian school" to have their heads filled up with intolerance for non-Christians and bullshit "science" consisting of "God did this and God did that" instead of "The DNA structure of this prehistoric organism is particularly interesting because...."

Look, I'll be happy if my kids embrace a faith that makes them happy. But faith is a matter of the heart and spirit, while science and education are matters of the mind. The two are both good by themselves, but they go very poorly together!

To all Southern Baptists: Let me explain something to you. You are wasting your time. No government funded school will EVER teach your religion. Why? Well, y'know how pissed you get when you think about how your tax dollars are funding the education of things you don't believe in (like Evolution)? Yeah, it's the SAME DAMN THING for everyone else. No Atheist or Jew or Catholic or Muslim or whatever wants their tax dollars paying for YOUR religion to be taught in schools! Frankly, I don't want my tax dollars paying for it either and I don't want my kids exposed to it in school. People send their kids to school to learn reading, writing, math, science, history, etc. NOT to learn about God, Jesus, Mary, Peter, Paul, John, Moses, etc. That's what fucking Sunday School is for and that's where it belongs.

Now, there's a coupe of off-topic things in this article (it's kinda poorly written really, jumping from subject to subject like that) and I guess I'll just touch on those things briefly.

Also Wednesday, the SBC unofficially barred members who drink alcohol from serving as trustees or members of any SBC entity.

The ban, part of a larger anti-alcohol resolution that was easily approved by delegates, was proposed by Jim Richards, executive director of the Southern Baptists of Texas Convention. While stopping short of officially preventing drinkers from serving, it "urges" that no one be elected or appointed to SBC offices if they are "a user of alcohol."

"Use of alcohol as a beverage can and does impede the message of Jesus Christ" that Southern Baptists are trying to spread, Richards said.

Impedes the message of Jesus Christ? So... that'd be the message where he didn't drink wine with every meal or the message where his first miracle wasn't the creation of an alchoholic beverage? Yeah, that's what I thought. In other words, it impedes the message of Jesus that's in your fucking head, not the one in the Bible. Idiot.

In a resolution that addressed the debate over global warming without naming the issue, delegates overwhelming approved a statement "On Environmentalism and Evangelicals" that reads the "scientific community is divided on the effects of mankind's impact on the environment."

The resolution, approved without debate, positions the denomination against "solutions based on questionable science, which bar access to natural resources and unnecessarily restrict economic development."

Ok, two things. First, the scientific community isn't really divided on global warming; only YOU are. Second, the science isn't questionable and by "bar access to natural resources and unnecessarily restrict economic development" what you mean to say is "prevents us from exploiting the Earth until she's been raped and stripped bare for profit." Didn't Jesus refer to the Earth as our "mother" in much the same way he referred to God as our "father?" C'mon, what good Christian treats his mother like that? Now, I'm not exactly a tree-hugging hippy, but I really gotta say that you're a dick.

In a tribute to Billy Graham, the denomination also unveiled a massive statue of the North Carolina-born evangelist Wednesday evening.

Wait, hang on, so the high-and-mighty holier-than-thou Southern Baptist Convention put up a fucking statue for this.... this.... Well, come to think of it, I guess he's the PERFECT guy for the SBC to erect a statue of. A giant bigot who supports dictators, hates Jews, and advises presidents to go kill women and children because it's "just." Good pick, SBC, way to go!

To summarize, just in case you skipped the whole rant and are only reading this. The Southern Baptists need to mind their own goddamn business, alchohol is not evil, and erecting statues of major assholes is a much better way for the SBC to spend their time rather than annoying the fuck out of the rest of us!

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