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How To Run An Organization
September 29, 2006


In a recent discussion, a friend of mine made the back-handed assertion that I know jack shit about running an organization. Well, when I thought about it, he's probably right, so what I decided to do was give you HIS tutorial on how to run an organization. Now, I'm certainly not him, but having watched and learned from him over the years, I think I've garnered enough of his wisdom that I can pass it along to all of you. If you've ever thought about running a volunteer-only non-profit organization, you should definately read this and follow the advice closely.

» Make sure that you and your Board of Directors focus on the menial day-to-day details, such as what's being discussed on your org's web-based discussion forum. Don't ever delegate this responsiblity. Delegation is for pussies. You and your BoD certainly have nothing better to do than whine about the topics you don't like on the discussion forum. Nevermind the other things you could be spending an entire board meeting taking care of (like press releases, organizing protests, fund raising, chapter formation, etc). Those can all wait. The first priority of the top people in any organization is to NOT delegate such jobs to moderators or the webmaster. Moderators are only there to delete spam, after all. It's not like they're supposed to be the one's deciding what counts as "law & order" on the forum. Although, this works out even better when the mods of your forum are also on the BoD. That way, rather than talking amongst themselves and enacting a policy they all agree on, they can just bring it up to the rest of the Board and waste time on issues that don't concern the Board of Directors. The more menial and pointless, the better! Hey, once you get good at it, you can even devote a good 5 minutes or so to talking about the search terms that lead to your organization's website, as if they matter and are visible to anyone but you!

» Once a member is well-established, contributes to your organization, volunteers thousands of hours, is dedicated to you and your cause, and is well-liked among the membership, make sure you belittle him, insult him, and just generally treat him like shit. To be successful, you absolutely can't have this shit going on. This is especially important if you run a small organization fighting an unpopular battle. When not many people are actually doing things to serve the org's cause, you DEFINATELY want to single out the one's who do shit and be an ass to them. Some other dedicated person will come along one day, don't worry. Once you're truly accomplished at this, you may even be able to run off several of your most well-liked and devoted members each year. Be sure to blame it on them each time. A good leader never accepts responsiblity for being a gigantic douchebag, he just flips off his best people and keeps on rolling. So what if they're leaving in droves because of you and your pissy ungrateful attitude? Fuck those pansy ass little whiners! You have an org to run, you can't be wasting your time being nice to the lower ranks and appreciating all they've done!

» All negative feedback is a personal attack against you and should be treated as such. Say, for example, Joe Schmoe tells you that you shouldn't be wasting your time on menial things (as we discussed). Fuck Joe! You should absolutely hand that bitch his ass on a silver platter! There's no way he simply cares about the organization! No possible fucking way that it absolutely breaks his heart to see your fine establishment turning into a micro-managing mindless little bureaucracy. Just what the fuck is this little nobody thinking, daring to criticize you?

» Make sure to pass policies (through the BoD, of course) forbidding discussion of relevant topics if those topics make you uncomfortable. For example, if you were running the NAACP, the best thing you could possibly do on your forums would be to forbid discussion of inter-racial sex. That's just too much of a hot button issue that pisses off far too many ignorant morons, who would surely support your cause otherwise. Why, that could even be used against you in the future, to point out how your "black rights" group is just obsessed with big nasty evil black men fucking the hell out of a pure white women.

» When most of your active and dedicated members get upset at your new policies, make sure you speak to them in the most condescending way possible. You've got to get it across to these people that ONLY YOU (and your BoD) know what's best for the org and anyone who's not part of the "official leadership" doesn't know what the hell they're talking about and they most certainly don't have the best interests of your organization in mind. They're just being hot-headed little monkey trolls. The best way to handle them is to be condescending, tell them that "the issue is still being discussed" so they'll shut the fuck up about it, and then go ahead and implement your new policy anyway.

I guess that's all I've got for right now. Maybe I'll update this when I think of some more. But that should help get you started on the road to having a successful organization. You may notice a common theme there and it's a very important one. You have to always be an asshole to the people who actually DO shit for your organization. If you can run those people away cuz they get fed up with your shit, that's even better!

Now, I personally wouldn't leave an org run by such a person. I would look on with respect at the giant prick he manages to be to everyone that he should appreciate, and then I would proceed to ignore him and do my fucking job without concerning myself with his preening and strutting. So I guess the master plan outlined here wouldn't really work on me, but then I'm an exceptional person. For the rest of you, you can be assured that the plan I've outlined here will ensure that you know how to run an org... right into the ground.


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