So here's a little concept I'd like to instruct my audience about today. It's called "Humor" or, if you're one of those pansy ass brits, "Humour." This is how it's supposed to work:
Very simple. Funny shit goes in, a laugh comes out. Now, sure, it's relative to each person what they find "funny" and there's a process in there to determine IF the shit's funny or just more hot air coming out of someone's face. Sadly, however, most human brains do not meet these normal medical standards. Over the course of the late 20th century, the human brain has developed a new an extremely useless component know to the scientific community as the "Offensive Oblongata." It plays a key role in ruining modern man's ability to enjoy a good joke. For the first time anywhere, from top-secret government labs, here is how the process works in 95% of Western Culture:
You see, now evolution has overcomplicated the process. Now, funny shit goes in, the Humor Control decides if it's funny. If it is, it gets shipped off to the Offensive Oblongata, where the brain determines if the joke offends your delicate little sensibilities. If it does, the Offensive Oblongata overrides the Humor Control and declares it "not funny." At this point, the falsely labeled "not funny shit" is sent off to the Whining Cortex. The Whining Cortex is extremely unevolved and will be triggered into action by absolutely anything sent to it. The Whining Cortex then outputs stupid blubbering bullshit from that rotten hole in your face.
I'm here to try to correct this problem. You need to learn how to cut the fucking connection to your Offensive Oblongata. The first step in this is to realize an amazing truth of the universe. It's not so hard and being the awesome god that I am, I'll now share this important truth with you. Ready? Ok, here it is:
LEARN THAT! Learn it NOW, you stuck-up cunt-faced prick! Reality and what's funny aren't even remotely close to each other! They're not the same thing! Stop treating humor like it's for real - IT ISN'T! Alright, I'll give you an example, just like I always have to do to illustrate my point.
Q: Why did Hitler kill himself?
A: Because he saw his gas bill.
Now let's dive into why I laughed my ass off at that. First of all, here in reality, nothing about Hitler was funny except that he's dead. In reality, Hitler gassing the Jews was NOT fucking funny at all. Why not? Because that's REALITY. However, in the joke world, it only matters that you can make a logical, surprising/shocking connection and BAM, instant funny. People will say "How can you laugh about the Jews getting gassed?!" I'm not. I'm laughing about the absurd and surprising connection made between Hitler using a lot of gas and the average American's feeling of dread when they look at a gas bill. No Jews got gassed on the Joke Planet, that happened here in reality. Got it? Let's try another one.
Q: Why do blacks have nightmares?
A: Because we killed the only one who had a fucking dream.
Now, is the death of Martin Luther King Jr. something to laugh about? Nope, not in the slightest. However, the surprise connection between the context of "dream" from MLK's "I have a dream" speech and "dream" in the typical usage of "shit you see when you're asleep" WAS funny. Try again? Let's try something with a racist stereotype this time.
Q: Whats the difference between a Jew and a Canoe?
A: A canoe tips
Now THAT was funny and I really did LOL! But why is it funny? Are stereotypes funny? Fuck no, stereotyping is retarded as shit. However, that's here in REALITY. A joke is NOT reality! On the Joke Planet, stereotyping is funny as hell. This joke was funny because of the (incorrect) stereotype that Jews are cheap bastards AND because of the surprising connection using two different meanings of the word "tip." A canoe can tip over, and a stereotype of a Jew supposedly won't leave a tip (gratuity) for services rendered. That's fucking hilarious! Well, not when I have to explain it like that, but that's because I'm bringing jokes into the real world and that makes them UNFUNNY!
Only a few days after 9/11 happened, I heard someone tell a joke. I was living in South Africa at the time and this woman made a joke about a South African political party crashing a hang-glider into a convenience store or something as a terrorist act. I laughed. It was mere days after the Twin Towers had fallen, but I fucking laughed at the joke. Why? It wasn't funny that 3,000 people died! No, but that's REALITY, and for the fifty-eleventh time, a joke is not REAL!
The people who are bothered by a joke are fucking loser assholes and, unfortuneately, that's pretty much all of you at one time or another. Get the fuck over yourself. The funniness of a joke is not dependant upon anything in the REAL world or on anything you fucking "feel" ya goddamn douchebag!
Now, I can't leave this rant without telling the worst joke I've ever heard. Honestly, even I won't repeat this joke out loud, but here, online, I'll put it up. I didn't find this joke funny at all when I heard it and I still don't. I did laugh at it, but that was out of shock at the absolutely grotesque punchline, not out of finding it funny. It didn't "offend" me, it just wasn't funny. I didn't base it in reality or get all uptight about it, it just simply wasn't funny. The reason for this, I think, is because it was "too real." The punchline could possibly happen and it's horrible. The text of the joke is hidden and I will warn you that it's a pedophile joke about fucking a kid and if you are easily disturbed, don't click to see it.
You see what I mean? That joke wasn't funny, because it's just too close to the reality of child abuse. It's vivid about a child suffering. And that only goes to prove my point that jokes are disconnected from reality. When they're not (like the pedophile joke above), they're just not funny. I'm not "offended" by that, because it's still a joke and still not REAL, but it's close enough to being real that the intended humor is completely lost and, instead, it just comes off as disturbing.
Got it now? I hope you've enjoyed today's lesson on how to grow a fucking sense of humor. Racist jokes don't make you racist, sexist jokes don't make you sexist, gay jokes don't make you homophobic, dead baby jokes don't mean you wish babies dead and pedophile jokes don't mean that you endorse child abuse. Racism, sexism, homophobia, infantacide, and child abuse are all real problems in the real world. Humor is an entirely different place. Fucking get over it.