All great truths begin as blasphemies.
-George Bernard Shaw
Lord Galen
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You Bet Your Sweet ASSpercreme!
January 21, 2006

I'm sure everybody's heard that annoying ass fucking commercial for Aspercreme (arthritis or stiff joint pain-relieving gel... kinda like Ben-Gay for arthritis). The commercial would have the voice-over asking "Can an arthritis medicine really give you relief...blah blah blah" and then the stupid little jingle would sing "You bet your sweet Aspercreme!" An obvious and clever (if annoying) play on the old phrase "You bet your sweet ass!" which just means "Yup, it sure does."

A few minutes ago, that same stupid commercial came on. I was getting up to go have a cigarette anyway so I didn't bother to mute it. Before I left the room though, they got to the jingle and it said "You bet if it's Aspercreme!" So I stopped and I'm thinking that I must've heard that wrong. I waited and again at the end of the commercial came "You bet if it's Aspercreme!"

The original Aspercreme commercial
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You know what happened, of course. I don't know why it never occurred to me that this would happen. Some group of fucking fundie morons got "offended" by the play on words and complained until Aspercreme changed their commercial. Chances are some overly tight-ass old woman heard her grandchild sing "You bet your sweet Aspercreme!" and had a fucking coniption fit!

These puritan idiots are really making my dinner come back up. Seriously, what was the fucking problem with an Aspercreme commercial? Do you dickheads have to control EVERY fucking thing that bothers your personal morals even the tiniest little bit?

Ah, but this is such a little thing. I don't even use Aspercreme and couldn't even tell you where the fuck to find it. So why do I care? Why am I wasting my time bitching about this? I'm pissed off about this exactly *because* it's such a small thing! The fucking commercial DIDN'T swear! They did NOT even have to actually USE a "naughty word" in order to get targetted by fucking losers with no life.

Yeah, that's the real problem. These fucking idiots have no life of their own outside of trying to control what everyone else sees and heard based on THEIR own personal tastes! It has nothing to do with your fucking religious beliefs, it has to do with PERSONAL TASTE and that's ALL! It bothers YOU so you play God for the rest of us!


Seriously, fuck you. I'm so GODDAMN SICK of having my sensory input dictated to me by fucking puritan assholes. This is American, pal, GOT IT?! This is fucking AMERICA! The benefit of being in America is SUPPOSED to be that I have the right to decide FOR MYSELF just what I can be exposed to. If something bothers me, I can press "mute" and never watch it again. There's lots of shit on TV that I wish wasn't on TV. Therefore, I DON'T WATCH IT, morons!!! I don't campaign the fucking company to change their fucking advertising campaign because it bothers ME. How fucking stupid and arrogant do you have to be to do something like that?

I'm really sick of being associated with this shit. If I say "I'm a Christian" the immediate assumption is that I'm a dogmatic idiot who can't think for himself. People assume that because THAT is what the public face of Christianity is. It's a sad fact, but it's the truth. As much as it pisses me off, I really can't say that I blame non-Christians for hating us so damn much. When the non-elected self-appointed leaders and representatives of my religion are nothing but shallow, gutless, closed-minded, bigoted fucking morons, what else are people to think about us?

But how do I really know it was fundies who pulled this shit with Aspercreme? Oh I don't have any documented proof, no. What I have is the track record of fundie groups. This is there M.O. - it's what they DO and they're the ONLY ones who give a fuck about stupid little arbitrary shit like "You bet your sweet Aspercreme."

And, in closing, a word to the fucking cowards at Aspercreme. Just what would a few thousand fundies do to your business? Hmmm? Did they threaten to boycott you? Can I ask just WHY you gave a flying fuck? Who fucking cares if a bunch of wrinkled up old crones don't buy your product? They'll be dead in a few years anyway! Fuck them! Grow a fucking backbone and stick to your guns! You damn sure won't ever get any of my business, that's for sure. These idiots can only win as long as we LET THEM WIN, which is what you did. Stop letting them have their fucking way and that'll be the end of it!

The fucking puritans in this country are nothing but spoiled little brats who kick and scream until people get tired of hearing it and give in. Fuck them. They're so in favor of corporal punishment, so I say that's good; let's give them the ass beating that (according to them) a screaming tantrum-throwing little shit deserves!

Or, we could do exactly what works best with a hell-bent 2yo squalling on the floor: FUCKING IGNORE THEM! Don't let them have their way when their way makes no fucking sense at all. That's it. Ignore them, period!

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