How To Be An Adult
September 5, 2006
We’re told from the time we’re really tiny that we want to be like the big, grown-up people. I was never entirely sure what exactly made adulthood so great or distinguished. Now that I’m in my twenties and seeing how people of all ages act (since when I was younger, any impression of adults I got was immensely filtered), I’ve learned a few things. To truly be an adult, you can’t just age. Many other changes must be made as well. So, for those who want to be an adult, just follow my simple guidelines below.
-You may not play any computer or video games. Instead, you must scorn those who do as “childish” or “geeky”. Slot machines and video poker do not count, as that kind of gaming is perfectly mature and adult.
-Never laugh at anything a child does. Wait until others laugh first. Even then, you’re not laughing with him. You’re laughing at him. Condescending conversation amongst you adults must then follow, along the lines of “Kids, go figure…”
-You must shed any ill feelings you may have about your parents or other older relatives. Make sure to gather them for a long, heartfelt apology about how you treated them when you were young and that you appreciate them for all they have done for you. Whether they deserve it or not isn’t up for discussion. Thinking of your parents as less than perfect is adolescent. You’re an adult now!
-Conversations with other adults must be severely limited in subject matter. Keep it about the weather, movies, sports, traffic, how your past weekend was, where you’re going for vacation this year, etc. The more dull and vapid, the better. Preferably tell the same story four or five times over the course of a week. Absolutely no conversations about games, animated television shows, or drawings of snakes eating elephants that look like hats to others.
-You must eat any food you disliked as a child, even if you still dislike it. Dishonoring the proud tradition of children being picky eaters and adults eating everything on their plate is a felony.
-It is your duty to report parents who let 13-year-olds watch R rated movies to the proper child service authorities. Same with parents who allow their children to have wine with dinner, to make their own medical decisions, and to consume sugar and caffeine. Of course, if the parents are severely beating and molesting their children, that is when you must look the other way and let the parents be parents their own way.
-Children are always wrong and are beneath you. You cannot under any circumstances enjoy their company. When you were a child, adults didn’t enjoy you or consider you equal, and you turned out okay. Time for you to be the adult, and for today’s children to go through the same.
-Teen girls who remain in a close-knit group of friends are “clique-y”. Their mothers who are a close-knit group of friends are just a great bunch of ladies who get together now and then and have fun, not exclusive. Well, except for the woman in the brick house on the cul-de-sac. She’s weird and not one of them.
-You must believe that the more restricted and disrespected youth are, the better citizens they will be.
-As soon as you are out of college, you must look down on college students. They’re idiots, you know. Just as you were, oh, last week.
-No matter how it was spent, your youth was misspent and so was everyone else’s.
-Try your hardest to never disagree with your group of adult friends. Disagreeing is childish and ornery. Instead, agree with them when they complain that their teenage children go along with what their friends say all the time.
-Feel free to drive while talking on your cell phone. Maybe have a beer with you. Read while driving even. Nothing wrong with that. You’ll be fine. But make sure you vote to have tougher restrictions put on teen drivers, because they’re the greatest menace on the roadway.
-The local news is always right. Remember that.
-You can’t like anything children like. Be sure to blame them for never liking anything you like.
-Anything you do for fun must be limited to very conventional activities. Going to the beach or for a nice quiet drive are fine activities. Skiing and visiting mountains is fine. But don’t even think about building a snowman.
-You must be at least slightly angry, depressed, or otherwise discontent in some way or another all the time. You’re too old to be happy.
There you have it. Now you can be an adult. But count me out.