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Lord Galen
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Totally Clueless
January 1, 2006


Dear Galen


I have a question. What are good ways to tell if a girl's flirting with you? See, Every once in a while (not often, though, because a lot of people at my school think I'm pure evil), I'll hear a girl say something to me like "I need a butt massage," and there have been times when one girl has sat on my lap (supposedly by accident, claiming that she didn't see me, but that would require complete blindness). One girl even showed me this pin that says "I touch myself"! But every time I ask what's going on, whoever I'm asking insists that she's not flirting me, and I end up making an ass out of myself. What can be done to help this situation?

Sincerely,
Totally Clueless


Dear Clueless

If these bitches really aren't flirting with you, then you're in some BIG trouble. The only other explanation for this behavior is that they're very comfortable and at ease with you. You've entered "The Brother Zone" (screams of horror should go here, but I'm too lazy)! Yes, it's that dreaded situation where you're "such a good friend" and just "such a nice guy" that the girls all feel so comfortable with you and love you "like a brother." Problem is, girls don't suck their brothers' dicks (not unless they're REALLY freaky).

Ask yourself, do all the girls talk to you about their problems? Are you really good friends with several girls? If so, then you're "just another girl" as far as they're concerned. The idea of dating you is probably a turn off.

The trouble, you see, is that bitches say one thing and mean another. Every female will tell you that she wants a nice sensitive caring man who will respect her, etc, etc. Yeah, right.... Most guys eventually figure out on their own that even though women say that, they don't ACT on it. The assholes are the ones who get the girls, *every fucking time* hands down! I know a few grown men who're still "nice guys" that the girls all love and talk to. These nice guys are all single and usually couldn't get a date to save their fucking lives.

This was true for me too. When I was younger, I couldn't get a bitch for shit! None of 'em wanted me! It was when I made my great transformation into the asshole that I am today that the bitches started flocking to Lord Galen. Being all sweet and sensitive gets you precisely DICK (and I mean that literally, because gay men seem to be the ones typically interested in caring sensitive guys). So unless you play to switch teams, I'd start growing some balls like RIGHT FUCKING NOW dude.

First of all, make it clear that you're only interested in sex. This doesn't have to be true, but say it anyway. Let it be public knowledge that you don't want a fucking relationship, you just want to get laid. You'd be amazed how easily this will actually get you into a relationship! It's like bitches take it as a challenge!

Second, I bet you wait for the girl to make the first move or at least until you're dead sure that she likes you. FUCK THAT! You need to grab the bull by the balls, bitch (or grab the cow by the tits, rather)! When you want something in life, it's damn sure not gonna just come to you and waiting around for a fucking sign from the stars will leave you with nothing but carpal tunnel syndrome in your right wrist.

Here's how this shit needs to work if the bitches are turning you down:

YOU: Hey, can we talk?
HER: Ok, what's up?
YOU: I like you and I think we should date. How's Friday night sound to you?
HER: Um, listen, I like you as a friend and all, but-- YOU: A simple "no" will do. It doesn't take your life story to brush me off, hon.


Taking rejection well (like that) is a damn good sign of confidence! Chicks dig confident guys (usually cocky bastards). You need to send the clear signal that she's the one missing out and that you could give a fuck less if she's really interested or not. When the bitch turns you down, move right along to the next ho without missing a beat! Your desperation for pussy is probably showing. You have to simply not give a fuck.

In fact, do you know that I got more fucking girlfriends than any other time in my life during the time that I was a borderline mysoginist! I fucking hated bitches and didn't want anything to do with them other than sex. I made that fact known right from the start with any girl. They never seemed to fucking care.

The simple answer is that you need to stop giving a flying fuck what those bitches think of you. Until you slip a ring on one's finger, they're aren't worth a second thought.


Hate,
Galen


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