Galen's Review of the Spongebob Squarepants Movie
May 10, 2005
I recently had the opportunity (if you could call it that) to watch the Spongebob movie. See, at the school I work at, they reward the good kids (who've made Conduct Honor Roll) by showing them a movie and giving popcorn and treats. Y'know, to enforce the whole "being good gets rewarded being bad gets you jack shit" idea that the
Government Thought Control And Indoctrination Centers Public Schools teach. Well, lucky me, the last time they had the Conduct Honor Roll movie, I was subbing a Kindergarten class. See, they let the whole Kindergarten come watch the movie so they can tell them "See, this is the reward you get if you're good. Next year, you'll have to earn this." Let's just ignore the fact that the school has a Movie Night once a month that everyone is free to come to and they only have the Conduct Honor Roll movie once every nine weeks, so the whole reward thing is basically moot.... but whatever.
So anyway, I got to watch the friggin' movie and since the right-wing nuts have been screaming "Spongebob is gay and this movie proves it!" I thought I should report on the experience here. Don't read any further if you actually want to see the movie, cuz I'm about to spoil it for ya :)
So, we start off with Spongebob getting up to go to work and he's all happy and shit cuz Mr. Krabs opened a second Krusty Krabs and he's gonna promote someone at the first Krusty Krab to Manager. Spongebob is all giddy and singing "I'm gonna be the Manager, I'm gonna be the Manager" or something like that. Even the kids could see what a setup that was for Spongebob to get seriously bent over and fucked by Mr. Krabs.
Sure enough, at the big opening ceremony for the new Krusty Krab, Mr. Krab announces that Squidward will be the new manager of the old Krusty Krab. Spongebob, of course, completely missed this part and rushes onto the stage to give his acceptance speech, totally making an ass of himself (like that's anything new).
So, Spongebob is crushed. Meanwhile, the evil Plankton is launching the only plan he hasn't tried yet to steal the formula for Krabby Patties. Somewhere in this plan, he managed to steal the crown of Neptune, the undersea king, and frame Mr. Krabs for it. In order to save Mr. Krabs and keep the people of Bikini Bottom from being enslaves by Plankton's mind control, Spongebob and Patrick get recruited by Neptune's daugher, Princess Mindy, to venture to the far away land of Shell City from whence no one has ever returned.
They go through all this stupid bullshit which makes up the bulk of the movie and finally reach Shell City, which turns out to be a cheesy little tourist shop on the beach selling sea shells and other undersea garbage. Of course, they escape with the King's crown and manage to hitch a ride back to Bikini Bottom on David Hasselhoff's back (ewww). They eventually save the day, naturally.
Now onto the controversial stuff. Dumbasses seem to enjoy labelling this movie as "homosexual propaganda" however they fail to watch the movie with the child-like mentality that it was created with (and for). While adults watching the movie may find it a bit homosexual when Patrick repeatedly asks "Did you see my butt?" after mooning someone or having his pants fall down, they fail to realize that for kids that is just comedy! Spongebob and Patrick are just stupid, not gay. And even if they were gay, I'd say get the fuck over it.
My final review on the matter is this: The movie itself is pretty gay, but Spongebob isn't. In fact, I watched this movie looking for signs that Spongebob might be gay and still came away with very little to even hint at such. In order to see this film and get "Spongebob is gay" out of it, one would have to be trying pretty damn hard to see exactly that in the first place, and even then it's a stretch.
So if you were worried about taking your kids to see this gay ass movie, don't be. Your kids will enjoy it and you might come away thinking "damn that was gay" but you won't come away thinking that Spongebob and Patrick are fucking each other up the ass every night... Unless you're an idiot like James Dobson, of course, in which case you'll see homosexuals plotting and lurking around every corner anyway and your poor kids will grow up to be intolerant homophobic bastards just like you. I pity them.
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