We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
-H. L. Mencken
Lord Galen
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You Might Be A Satanist If...
July 11, 2005

[ Note: When I started writing this rant, I had no idea about the true nature of the "newsletter" that the rant is based on. It was only after I'd written about 80% of this fucking thing that I discovered that the whole damn thing was one of those Internet hoaxes. I was a bit pissed at having been stupid enough to fall for it, even though it came from a trusted place.... Well, regardless, I'm a good sport and this fuckin' thing got me fair and square. So, I finished the rant, pretending that this was still real. Hope you all enjoy the ass I made of myself! Hahaha! However, it is worth mentioning that even though this list itself *is* fake, there really are plenty of idiots out there claiming to be "Christians" who believe shit exactly like this. So, my ranting efforts weren't actually wasted after all.... ]

The following rant is based on this advisory sent from a Church in Colorodo.

Take the time to read that church bulletin. After you've finished laughing your ass off, take a moment to consider just why it's so damn funny. It's funny because we as human beings tend to find stupidity highly amusing. That's great, but maybe you should take just a moment to consider the fact that these people aren't stupid. Oh no, these people have given this list and the things on it a great deal of thought and have researched it well and I'm sure that all their hours of research came from the most unbiased of sources..... yeah, right. Just out of curiousity, I did a Google search looking for any research that might link the things on this list (and Goths in general) to Satanism. I was indeed shocked to discover that the only people who mention it are (surprise, surprise) other churches. Why, surely such an epidemic has actually been documented by, oh I dunno... people who are actually fucking trained to research such things! No social scientists? No phsychologists? No non-Christian columnists? Hell, not even a tabloid?! Apparently, the mighty Christian leaders, whose expertise tends to include Theology, ancient languages, etc., are the only ones to notice this disturbing trend.... Why, I'm truly astounded by that.

Ok, enough with the fucking sarcasm. How nuts can you be? I mean, jeez, it's bad enough when James Dobson calls Tinky Winky and Spongebob gay. At least he has some good reasons for doing so, like..... um, colors and.... uh... mannerisms... yeah.... OH, and the purse! Tinky Winky had a purse, of course! He must be gay if he's got a purse!

But, then these people come along out of left fucking field - shit, they jumped outta the stands - to string a long superficial stereotypical line of bullshit. So, naturally, here I am to body check this mountain of feces they've piled up in front of me. I'm going to take their little list one item at a time. Let's see how it stands up to a little dose of a quaint little thing that I like to call REALITY. And, just to make this even more fun, every item that has a check () next to it is something that applied to me when I was a teenager. Every item with two checks () next to it is something that applies to me now. Let's get started....

Frequently wears black clothing

Oh, you mean like everyone on the planet whose favorite color is black? Or is that because black is the signature color of evil? You know, like those damn darkies... That's why they got picked on and called "ungodly" by you assholes for so long, right? Cuz they're black and God says that black represents evil and white represents good, right? Oh, oops, except that God never said that. Really, what the fuck is it with you people and the color black? Give it up already; BLACK IS BEAUTIFUL!

Wears band and/or rock t-shirts

Because showing any support and/or appreciation and/or enjoyment for a band is purely evil! Damn, guess I have to throw out all my DC Talk t-shirts now! Ah, but even though you said "band and/or rock" I'm sure you actually meant just rock bands. I can certainly understand that. After all, this is 1955 and Rock 'n Roll is the Devil's Music. And, of course, you ARE a fucking idiot!

Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish

Again with the color black? While I admit that it's tacky as shit and makes all the Goth kids look like fucking clowns, I gotta say that your obsession with the color black being "evil" is really starting to fucking piss me off!

Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols

Ok, I gotta give you that one. Cuz there's just *no way* that a religious symbol depicting a non-Christian faith could *possibly* be representing anything other than Satanism. In fact, we all know full well that any religion other than Christianity is indeed linked to Satan in some way, even though Wiccans and various occult and/or neo-pagan religions don't fucking believe in Satan. That's totally irrelevant, right? Moron.

Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos

I knew it! Those fucking bikers are ALL Satanists! And the preppy girls with their sissy little butterfly on the ankle -- it's a butterfly from HELL! I sure am glad that St. Wacko's Dumbass Church set me straight on that shit! Whew!

Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

And that's just how much of a fucking git you are. Manson says shit like "I'm the Anti-Christ" because he knows it pisses you off, not because he believes it. And what is this fucking "discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY" bullshit? Like you have a fucking CHOICE, bitch?! You don't. That's right, throw out your kids' music, go ahead. Just like my best friend's mom thought she was really fucking clever throwing out her Bush CDs back in the 90s when they were popular. Guess where those CDs came? To me, dipshit, and she listened to them everytime she visitied. "Oh I wouldn't let my kids visit any bad people, I tightly control..." That's right, you DO keep that tight grasp on your kids, but the problem with holding such a tight grasp nonstop is that the tighter you squeeze, the more shit slips through your fingers. Your kids are going to repay you by keeping their own kids away from you because they don't want their children to suffer under your thumb the way they did. Just watch, stupid ass.

Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically

You mean going to a conservative church is a sign of Satanism?! Hell, if I got rid of every crazy ass friend I have, I wouldn't have any left! The same is true of you too, bitch.

Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports

Translation: Has already read the Bible 500 fucking times since First Communion, Has spoken to God by your forced will so many damn times that even God is sick of hearing from him, doesn't enjoy sitting around letting other people tell him what to think and feel, and doesn't enjoy playing grab-ass with a bunch of other people out on a field while you cheer him on. Wholesome activities? If by wholesome you mean "BORING" then yeah. Oh shit, my kid doesn't enjoy licking Jesus' balls every second of every fucking day, he MUST be a Satanist! Get this through your head: Religion is a wonderful thing to have in your life, but it is *NOT* THE ONLY THING IN LIFE!!!!!!

Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan

Oh, you mean like the interest you showed by compiling this list? Fuck you!

Takes drugs
Drinks alcohol

That's called experimentation; it's part of growing up. Most kids who try the shit don't get addicted. The one's that do get addicted are addicted because they're fuck-ups, not because of Satan, you dick.

Is suicidal and/or depressed

Oh, this is absolutely a sign of Satanism. Because, after all, it's not like there's anything to be depressed or suicidal about in this world, right?

Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

No, that is ***NOT*** a fucking Satanic ritual you damn fool! It is a form of self-expression in many cases and in many other cases it is a serious psychological problem. You attributing it to "Satan" when it *could* very well be a cry for help is akin to the medieval Christians who believed that the mentally ill were possessed by demons. You're a fucking fruitcake and I fear for the safety of any children in your care!

Complains of boredom
Sleeps too excessively or too little
Is excessively awake during the night

Translation: Is an average teenager. Or, perhaps, did it ever occur to you that maybe your child is just nocturnal by nature? In fact, did it ever occur to you that your child just *might* be his/her own person and not a fucking extension of you that you can just mold however you want? How 'bout you get the fuck over it. Go pray about it. Nevermind, I just got a memo from God: He says FUCK YOU!

Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

Vampires don't even believe in "His light" let alone think of it as being "no use." And damn, I sure hope your kid doesn't have Achromatopsia or Xeroderma Pigmentosum. You'll either blind them or kill them by forcing them into the light... idiot. (I have Achromatopsia, btw, and therfore hate light with a passion)

Demands an unusual amount of privacy
Spends large amounts of time alone
Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

No! You're kidding! Do you mean to tell me that there are teenagers who actually want privacy and some "alone time" just like everybody else on the fucking planet?! Let's exorcize their asses right now, they must be possessed!

Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult

What, you never insist on spending time with your friends without your kids around? Is it so fucking unbelievable and evil that your kids want to be with their peers and ONLY their peers, just like you?!

Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this

Translation: Actually sees how fucking stupid we are and decides to use some intelligence instead of towing the line.

Misbehaves at school
Misbehaves at home

Translation: Actually sees how fucking stupid we are and decides to use some intelligence instead of towing the line.

Eats goth-related foods. Count Dracula cereal is an example of this

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.... *HAAAAAAA!!!!!!* I could do nothing but fucking laugh at that when I read it. You assholes just said that eating "Count Dracula" cereal (and don't you mean Count Chocula, anyway?) is a sign of being a Goth and/or Satanist. ROFLMFAO!!!! That is just too fucking retarded for me to ever bother commenting on....

Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

Vampires don't even believe in Satan, you fucking troll. They drink blood as a way to ingest the life spirit of another human being or animal. The blood donor is always willing and a part of the ritual. Although, you're correct that if they're not careful this activity can be very dangerous. Ingesting blood will make you sick and can transmit many diseases. It doesn't transmit any Satanic energy though, you twat.

Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

Translation: We can't afford to have our children thinking anything but what we want them to think. To Hell with independant thought and using the brain that God gave them, it is our place to decide what they're allowed to think and see. Oh, hey, God just re-sent that memo.

Plays videos games that contains violence or are of a role-playing nature

Unlike, say, reading the Bible, which contains more violence than an R-rated movie? Oh, but that's "Holy" violence, right? Like how "Passion of the Christ" wasn't just a fucking snuff film, right? God-forbid our kids should see someone get shot or punched or stabbed or, even worse, see a fucking nipple for 3/4 of a second! No, all that's from the Devil... Let's take them to go see a guy get graphically beaten and tortured to death; all the blood splattering all over the place won't scar them at all! And then let's tell them that he went through all of that stuff FOR THEM! No... that won't give them nightmares at all....

Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer

Translation: Actually has an interest in attaining information that hasn't been approved by us. It's that damn free-thinking thing again....

[ Note: It was at this point that I discovered that this list is a hoax. So if the rest of the rant is a bit less angry, sorry about that. I'm trying my best to write this under the false pretense that the list is real, because it is likely that somewhere out there is a collection of fucking morons who actually *DO* believe everything on this list is the "gospel truth." The rest of this rant is dedicated to the conservative pricks who actually DO think like this (and they do indeed exist) ]

Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music

In other words, putting up the pinky and index fingers while headbanging. It's not fucking Satanic, you ass breathing trolls! But, fine, you don't like those finger gestures? How about this one:

Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner

Didn't you fuckwads have this same complaint about Elvis? And now I hear his shit being played on "good Christian radio stations" all the fucking time. Not everything that breaks away from your boring and fucking monotonous little box is a gift straight from Satan, you stupid ass losers!

Expresses an interest in sex


Is homosexual and/or bisexual

Translation: Is different from our old, conservative, whitebread asses, and since that's something we fear, dread, and despise, it surely *must* be from the Devil!

Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism

"Dangerous cult religions" in the ultra-conservative I'm-a-fucking-bigot-who-claims-to-be-a-follower-of-a-man-who-promoted-tolerance-and-love club's special language means "Anything that isn't Christian." You're not the only religion on Earth and, guess what pal, your way is NOT the only way to God. So fuck off!

Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".
Claims to be a goth.

Wow, throughout this whole fucking list, they finally managed to get one right. Yes, if your child says "I'm a goth" or wears stickers or pins that say so, it's a pretty safe bet that you're child is either Goth or a wannabe Goth. You should also be wary of words like "Emo." You see, Emo is sort of a "Goth lite" or, as I like to call it, "Sissy Goth."

Well, I hope you've enjoyed this little sojourn into madness. I finished up the list, as promised, but I really just don't have the heart to go on writing anymore about it. I'll close with this though...

If you read through that list and thought to yourself "Yup, that's true. I agree with that" then I hope you rot in Hell. Get a clue, you fucking ass, this list was an extremist parody of YOU! James Dobson and Jerry Falwell probably masturbate to this list at night thinking of all the wonderful ways they could oppress the people of America (especially the young) if it were real. I wish you assholes would all just stop spreading your fucking hateful dogma. I mean, seriously, how bad has it gotten when a disbelieving son of a bitch like me reads this list and absolutely believes that it's something the modern Christians would do? I feel for this hoax for one simple reason: Because it's so very close to reality. That should scare the shit out of everyone.

Too bad it doesn't, cuz you're all a bunch of self-centered pricks.

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