Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.
-George Bernard Shaw
Lord Galen
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Health Food Hell
August 27, 2005

The next time you go to the grocery store, here's a challenge for you. Find some salad dressing that's not "low fat" or some bullshit like that. Trying finding some mayonase that isn't "reduced fat." Even fucking hot dogs these days have "30% less fat!"

I'd like to know just how this shit crept up on us without us knowing about it. Really, it's a fucking 5 minute chore just to find something I want that isn't "low fat" or "low cholesterol" or, the worst of all, "low carb." When the fuck did we lose our freedom to chose to be fat asses? Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna defend the right to be an unhealthy fucking bastard!

I smoke, so what? It's unhealthy and I know it. Stay out of my fucking lungs you old bat! I've said that before, but the same applies to my motherfucking digestive system. I want high cholesterol! I want grease and fat and CARBS! Why? Cuz I'm not a goddamn fat ass fucker, but even if I were, IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS!

Actually, come to think of it, I am overweight. I don't look like it, but at 5'6" and 165lbs, that does put me at just slightly overweight. GOOD! I like it! That means I eat plenty, you fucks. It means I don't have any problems surviving; I know how to feed myself. Everyone from about age 2 should know how to do this, so why is it that everyone over age 2 gets inundated by all this health bullshit? Y'know what, I don't give a flying fuck if America is the fattest country in the world. I don't particularly care how many fat people are running around. That's their problem with THEIR body. It's not my problem or yours, OR the fucking government's OR the food industry's!

Nothing makes me happier than eating something where I have to lick the grease off my fucking fingers! Just the other night I had fish & chips from Long John Silver's. Now there's a fucking grease trap! The fish, the fries, the hushpuppies, ALL deep fried! Mmmmmm!!! Greasy fucking Heaven!

So here's my plan for the future. How 'bout you fucking health nazis get off my nuts! Ramen noodles are fattening? GOOD, fuck you! All that fat and grease will clog my arteries? Well, fuckin-A, hell yeah, what a way to go! Right now I'm in a race to see if lung cancer or a heart attack kills me first! I can do that, cuz it's MY FUCKING BODY and if I want to fucking destroy it doing things that MAKE ME HAPPY then you can just go fuck yourself! It's not like I'm doing anything that affects anyone but me. I don't smoke around non-smokers (accept my wife, who was a smoker when we met and I was so happy to be marrying a smoker, but then she quit, so this is her punishment for quitting), I don't shove food down your fucking throat, and I'm not out doing crack and beating your ass to take your money. What I'm doing to my body IS NOT like taking drugs or something like that. I'm not doing things that affect my mind and therefore could make me affect other people. So why the fuck is it your business?

That last paragraph was really for the benefit of people who would surely use the "it's my body, let me do what makes me happy" argument to justify being a fucking druggie. You affect other people by taking drugs, moron, so don't give me that shit.

"But Galen, you affect other people if you die of a heart attack. What about your wife and future children?" Am I gonna fucking live forever? I gotta die sometime, somehow, don't I? And that's really what it boils down to, isn't it? You healthy fuckers are afraid of dying "too soon." Hey, even if you live to be 120, it'll still feel like it's too soon when the time comes. Nobody *wants* to die (aceept suicidal pansies), but you don't really have a fucking choice. Me? I'm comfortable with it. No, I don't particularly want to die, but I'm not gonna sit here living in denial of the fact that I will eventually and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it. I will die in due time, just like you, and there's no sense trying to push the due date foward. You're gonna die; get over it!

And let's not forget the fucking fascist ass sons of bitches taking all the sodas and "junk food" out of schools nationwide. The idea being that if we can keep kids from being fat asses, it'll get rid of adult fat asses. Hey, Nostradamus, NO IT WON'T! They'll grow up and gorge themselves on all the food you wouldn't allow them to have as a kid, STUPID! And since their bodies never learned to properly process junk food, they'll blow up like a fucking balloon! Damnit, I swear I'm the only intelligent person on the planet sometimes!

Plus, it's fucking useless anyway. Sure, get rid of junk food in school. You gonna make McDonald's start carding people too? Maybe Ryan's Steak House will ask to see your ID before serving you a T-bone? DUMBASS!

The moral of the story is: Jump off my nuts, jump off the kids' nuts, stop being fucking morons who try to control everything about people's lives just because you live with the crippling fear that someone somwhere might actually be doing something they fucking enjoy and, God forbid, it might actually be unhealthy!

"Oh no, Galen just lit a cigarette and he had 2 chili dogs and some nachos and cheese for dinner last night!" -- all true, by the way -- "Let's stop him quickly! It's for his own good!"

Oh no, Galen just clocked you in the jaw for sticking your skinny pale vegetarian little nose into his fucking business!

Stay out of my business you fucking little new-age hippy freaks! I'm not interested in your grand smoke-free, fat-free, low-carb, tofu vision of the world. You can all suck my dick, and be sure to swallow -- it's low calories!

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