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Guns, Gun Control, the 2nd Amendment, et al
November 2, 2005

Yeah, sooner or later, you knew I'd have to get around to writing this. It's amazing that in almost 2 years of ranting I've never covered this topic in a rant (though I have bitched about it on the forums here). So, yeah, it's time.

Those who don't know me or don't know my stance on this issue will naturally guess that since I'm a "far left whacko" on damn near every other issue, that I'm about to bitch and bitch and bitch about how guns are evil etc, etc, etc, blah blah blah. And those people would be absolutely wrong.

First of all, despite what many of you seem to think, I'm not a fucking liberal. I'm not a conservative either. I don't have any damn labels and I'll thank you to keep your little minimum wage stock-boy label gun away from me, bitch. So don't be surprised that I'm not bitching about how evil guns are. Oh, don't worry, I'll deal with those pansy ass fucking liberal whiners shortly.

Before we even get started, let's recap the benchmark of any gun debate (not that this is a debate since your opinion means cow-shit to me). Yup, it's the Second Amendment:

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

The problem that always comes up is that each side of the fucking gun control debate only gives a fuck about half of the Amendment. The anti-gun asshats keep on shouting "A militia, a militia, can't you fucking read?! It says for a militia" and then the gun nuts shout back "It doesn't matter, it still says the right of the people to have guns shall not be infringed" and then the anti-gun dicks say "But it says for a militia!" and it keeps going like that until everybody gets sick of the subject and sick of the other side saying the same stupid thing over and over. Well, here's a late-breaking bulletin for all of you: You're both right, now shut up and listen!

The framers of the constitution, had they realized what a big issue this was going to be, would've made it a lot clearer. But they didn't, so luckily you have me to do that for you. Let me tell you illiterate morons what the 2nd Amendment says, since you obviously can't read what's right in front of you:

"We have no standing army or police force, so a militia is a neccesary thing to us. Since militias consist of private citizens fighting with their own weapons and ammo, it might be a good fucking idea if we make it an absolute law that every citizen has the right to gun ownership." -- The Second Amendment, Revised Plain-english-for-fucking-retards Edition

So, YES, the 2nd Amendment was established because of the need for militias (lacking an army to defend the newly-formed nation). So yeah, the anti-gun people are right about that. And to that I say, NO SHIT! Like we all don't fucking know why the 2nd Amendment was put into place. We all took history in school and, more importantly, we can all read. Congratulations on the wonderful history lesson. Now, anybody care to tell me exactly how that translates into "people shouldn't have the right to bear arms in today's world?" Wait, lemme go ahead and cut off the automatic party-line retort of "Because it no longer applies."

It no longer applies? SO WHAT? There's lots of shit in the constitution that was put there for reasons that no longer apply, yet I don't hear hordes of liberals bitching about the rest!

Oh, but it was specifically written to apply to militias, you say? That's funny. No really, you must have a different Constitution that the one I'm reading, cuz mine says "the right of the people" not "the right of militia members." Militia members were private citizens, you dumbfuck! When you gave them rights, you gave rights to private citizens NOT to an organization! And, frankly, that wouldn't hold water in "today's society" anyway. You can't give a Constitutional right to only a certain group of people while denying it to everyone else; that's called discrimination, dickhead.

Look, I know you're bitching about this and still trying to argue with your monitor, so let me spoon feed it to you dopes with an analogy, like I always have to do when you're too stupid to get my point otherwise.

Let's say there was an Amendment stating "Travel, being neccesary to the people so they can go visit their family back in Englang, the right of the people to travel on ships shall not be infringed." Now along come you dumbfucks and you're screaming "We have planes now, this amendment no longer applies! Get rid of boats! They can all travel on planes instead!" But then I have to ask: What about my freedom to choose to travel on a boat instead? Where does that freedom go?

See, you can bitch and bitch and bitch all you fucking want about how we have police and a badass military now so we don't need militias and therefore people don't need guns. Sure, you can think that and that's your right. If you choose to rely solely on the police and the military to protect you, then fine, do that and have fun. Me, I'd rather not have to rely solely on someone else to protect my family.

All this is great, but the real point that you fucking idiots never seem to get is that nothing you do will have much effect. Ok, sure, let's go ahead and make guns illegal for everybody. But then, what if a certain segment of the population doens't give a fuck about the law? What if this segment of the population routinely breaks the law for their own selfish ends? If such a group existed, wouldn't they just keep their guns anyway and find illegal ways to get more? Oh, hey, whaddya know, we DO have a group like that: They're called CRIMINALS! So, now that we've outlawed all guns everywhere, let's say a man steps out of a dark alley, puts a gun to your head and demands your money. What're you gonna do, tell him he's breaking the law by having that gun?

Now here we sit in our perfect little world with no guns at all.... except for the criminals, they still have guns, cuz they don't give a shit about the laws you happily obey, thinking it'll actually save your sorry ass.

Now, let me take this time to personally condemn all the anti-gun liberals reading this. I once read a cute little bumper sticker that said "Guns only have two enemies: Rust and Liberals." To this day, it still confuses me. I mean, I know it's true; I can see that with my own eyes. It just doesn't make any fucking sense at all! All anybody ever hears from the left is "rights rights rights rights, give them to us, now now now!" or "stop infringing on our rights rights rights rights rights!" or "Boo hoo, some evil Hitler wannabe Republican took away 0.000000000000001% of our freedom, let's stage a protest!"

You fucking hippies will bend and twist and interpret and spin-doctor every last fucking comma in the Constitution to mean "more freedom" but not when it comes to the Second Amendment. There, suddenly, you decide to ere on the side of LESS freedom!

Yes, yes, militias, blah blah blah. The REASON for it's INCEPTION does not fucking matter from a civil rights perspective!!!!!!!!!! The founding fathers of this country make the fucking mistake of giving their reasons, YES, but they also made the terrible apparently "anti-liberal" mistake of granting WE THE PEOPLE a Constitutionally gauranteed right. It's spelled out, right there plain as fucking day!

It doesn't get much fucking clearer than THAT! Oh, but there I go ignoring the first half of the Amendment again. No, I'm not ignoring it all. It's nice to know WHY we have that right, but it has no bearing on whether or not that right exists as a Constitutionally granted and gauranteed RIGHT! Just keep arguing from that perspective asshole. The right to "no taxation without representation" was put into place because of the British government taxing its American colonists (our forefathers) without giving them representation. That's no longer true, so should we do away with that one too, stupid?

Here's my point about anti-gun liberals: You're traitors. That's right! If you call yourself a liberal and then have the fucking balls to lobby against a Constitutional right, you are a fucking traitor to everything you claim to hold dear! Here we are with shit like the Patriot Act going on, and you're cheering on the government to take away the 2nd Amendment? What the FUCK is wrong with you?!

Bottom line: Whether you like it or not, the founding fathers of these United States felt that the right to gun ownership was second ONLY to the right to free speech. Who the fuck are you, a so-called "liberal," to spit on the Constitution? You're a fucking asshole and a traitor to the freedoms we hold dear. Bite me.

I'd throw in the cliche about how you can have my gun when you pry it from my cold dead fingers, but frankly, if you're an anti-gun nut coming to take away my gun, you're gonna be the one with the cold dead fingers, not me.

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