All great truths begin as blasphemies.
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Brat Camp
July 28, 2005

Ok, so you take 9 kids who have trouble pasts and have suffered significant trauma (such as losing a father or being molested). One of these kids might even have a learning disability. So, one day you're just sitting around thinking about these kids and you go through various options like therapy, private tutors, etc. but you finally figure out what will really help these kids get their act together. That's right, you take these troubled teenagers and arrange to have them kidnapped in the middle of the night! Hell yeah, being blindfolded and dragged kicking and screaming out into the middle of the frozen wilderness! That's SURE to help these kids with their emotional problems; why it's pure genius! Not only that... but let's get some pompous ass "instructors" to talk down to them, demean them, strip them of their rights and dignity, punish them for the manifestations of their emotional problems, and just generally make their lives a living hell.

What could be better than this for helping troubled kids get on the "right track?" Oh, I know, we'll put it on national television! Of course, it's brilliant! Why just settle for humiliating and dehumanizing kids when you can entertain people while you do it?!

Hey, let's check out these little brats, shall we? I mean, surely they must be absolute pure fucking evil to have earned the honor of a kidnapping to a wilderness prison, right? I mean, this is America! We don't just go around depriving human beings of their freedom without a damn good reason! Let's delve into the histories of these little bastards...

Lauren was a straight "A" student who excelled in everything, until her father suddenly passed away when she was 11. Unable to deal with the grief, Lauren turned to drugs and admits to smoking pot every day and doing whatever it takes to get her fix. Lauren's mother sent her to SageWalk hoping that her daughter would face up to her father's death and quit drugs.

Oh, well, of course... Her father dies and her grief turns her angry and bitter. There's a perfect candidate for a harsh brainwashing prison camp if I ever saw one!

Jada refuses to go to school. She has dropped out of two boarding schools and nine private schools in the last six years. Instead of going to school, she throws parties and experiments with sex, drugs and alcohol. Jada's an aspiring singer who thinks she doesn't need school because she's going to be a star one day. She's also a compulsive liar who is always making excuses. Her parents sent her to SageWalk so that she'll become motivated about her life, stop taking things for granted and start telling the truth.

Wow, Jada sounds like one hell of an independant kid. Sure, she's expressing that independance in a bit of a self-destructive manner, no doubt about that. But, maybe a better idea would be to channel that independance into something constructive, like singing maybe -- oh, wait, she already does that. Ok, well... so she's already got a constructive outlet for her emotions, now we just need to help her get a hold on the DEstructive outlets. You know, all those destructive things like parties and sex and drugs and alchohol. Be a shame if we let her go around thinking for herself with that damn independance of hers and actually deciding for herself what goes on with her own body, right? Can't have that! So what's the solution? Break her down! Sure, I mean, it's obvious. She already seems to have some warped issues with confidence, let's imprison her in a frozen wilderness camp where she has no freedom, no control over her life, and no say in anything! That does wonders for a person's self-esteem!

Nick is a dyslexic teenager who is constantly fighting with his family. Not only does he disrespect his father and yell obscenities at his mother, he once even pulled a knife on his twin brother. Unable to deal with Nick's relentless anger issues any longer, his parents made the decision to send him to SageWalk.

WHAT?! A teenager with a learning disability and he's ANGRY?! Why, the little shit! However, I would have to wonder just WHY he yelled at his parents and WHY did he pull a knife on his brother.... Could it be that his family are just dicks? Granted, he could just be unstable, but has anyone bothered to even consider the possiblity that they DESERVED to be treated like shit; at least some of the time? Hell, I yelled at my parents too when I was a teenager (what teen doesn't? I'd like to know that!) and I fought with my brother and sister. I don't recall pulling any weapons on them, though I did have to break up a fight between my brother and sister where one of them had a knife and manage to cut the other one (not badly). And guess what? None of us are fucking psycho criminals and we weren't psycho then. People get pissed and they do stupid shit; that's life! Hell, my sister and I almost came to blows just a month or so ago! It's not because we have issues, it's because we're human fucking beings who sometimes get angry. That's normal, you dicks. But, of course, if a teenager DARES to show some human emotion other than blind acquiescence toward his parents: Straight to the prison camp with ya!

Shawn has been struggling with drug abuse for several years. He admits to stealing from his own mother and is constantly truant from school. Shawn's parents believe his problems stem from the fact that he was adopted, and they sent him to SageWalk hoping that he'll learn to face his abandonment issues and gain self-esteem.

Shawn's problems stem from the fact that he's a dumbass loser druggie. Rehab is where he belongs. I wonder, is anyone at SageWalk qualified to treat chemical dependancy? No...? Well then WHY THE FUCK IS HE THERE?!

Heather used to be athletic and innocent until she started hanging out with the wrong crowd. Now she experiments with all types of drugs and is constantly running away from home for days at a time. Her adoptive parents sent her to SageWalk because they feel that Heather is heading down the same road as her birth mother - to a drug-induced coma.

Y'know, I could swear that I just covered this. REHAB, you morons, REHAB!!!! Yeah, let's take a druggie and put them in a highly stressful situation where they have no control over anything. No, that won't cause them to yearn for an escape from reality! God, what a bunch of fucking idiots.

Lexie used to be a good girl who rode horses and excelled in school, but when she was 11, Lexie was molested by someone she trusted. She has since suffered from depression, become verbally abusive toward her parents, given up horseback riding and started failing in school. Lexie's parents sent her to SageWalk hoping she'll learn to deal with the secret that still haunts her.

She was molested. She was fucking molested. She has EVERY MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!!!!!! Even if every other kid in that place really did deserve to be there, this one does NOT. Jesus fucking Christ, what the hell is WRONG with you people?! She was molested! She needs someone to be there for her, to listen, to trust her, to allow her to open up in due course, and most importantly to love her no matter what. So your brilliant fucking answer to this is to have someone come in the middle of the night to snatch her out of her fucking bed and drag her off to your goddamn prison in the snow?! SICK SICK SICK SICK FUCKING SICK! As if she wasn't scarred deeply enough already, you SageWalk cunts do THAT to her?! Great job, you worthless sacks of shit! You better hope I NEVER meet up with you in a dark alley! You don't deserve to live and I hope a bear tears off your head and shits down your throat!

Frank has anger management issues and problems with authority. He was recently suspended from school for arguing with a teacher and was sent to live with his uncle, a probation officer. Frank admits to being verbally abusive and furious at the world, and was sent to SageWalk to learn how to deal with his anger.

Frank sounds like my kinda guy. I'd totally hang out with Frank. But, I'd also want my pal Frank to get some anger management counseling. I can't imagine that I'd ever want to see my boy Frank shipped away to a frozen hell hole.

Isaiah is an angry punk rocker who smokes, drinks and has an obsession with fire. Isaiah is verbally abusive towards his mother and blames her for his parents' divorce. He's defiant and bitter, and is constantly getting into fist fights at school, especially with the 'jocks.' Isaiah's mother sent him to SageWalk to learn how to deal with his anger issues.

I love how they say "angry punk rocker" like that's one of the bad things. Do they plan to have him listening to Gospel before he leaves SageWalk? I can't tell you how much angry heavy metal music helped me deal with my own issues growing up, and continues to be there for me today. And, let's see he drinks... Who the fuck doesn't? He has an obsession with fire. Well, fire's cool! What the fuck?! Has any ever considered that maybe his mother is a fucking bitch who WAS the reason for his parents' divorce and that she doesn't deserve an ounce of respect? No matter how many fluffy words you put on it, a Divorce is *always* someone's fault. And, OMG, he's constantly getting into fights with jocks at school? Well, son of a bitch, let's welcome him into the club! Membership currently stands at about, oh, a few billion people in the last century! Jocks are always trying to start shit with smaller kids and they always have. I hate jocks. Fuck them, and fuck you.

I must apologize to my readers. I tried my best to keep that light-hearted and sarcastic, but I just couldn't. There comes a point when it's just impossible for me to make fun of stupidity and that point is reached when stupidity becomes abusive and harmful towards kids.

Sure, these kids all have problems that need help. A counselor or, hell, just someone who will fucking LISTEN to them! I'm not at all saying that these teens should just be turned loose on the world with no help at all. What I AM saying is that SageWalk, the Brat Camp, is NOT help! Their idea of healing wounds is to keep cutting deeper and deeper, very slowly, a little bit every day until the wound scars over. None of this shit will heal these wounds - none of it! But yes, this kind of treatment will make them behave better. It will teach them that the pain they have inside makes them less than human and deserving of such treatment. It will teach them to roll over and play the victim whenever life shits on them. But, most importantly to the people at SageWalk and to their parents, this Brat Camp will teach them to bury their pain deep inside them where it can't affect others (or else!).

You wanna help your kids? You want to make sure they're on the "good" path through life? That's great and I applaud you, but here's the catch: You can't teach your kids about respect by disrespecting them and completely disregarding their human rights. I hope you're all proud of yourselves. If I could, I'd break them all out of your fucking gulag and help them to stay the fuck away from you, because YOU are the ones mistreating them. You do more damage to them with this shit then they could ever manage to do on their own. I hope you all rot.

Contact Information for SageWalk:


Phone: 1-888-342-7712

Mailing Address: PMB 333 / 1604 S. Hwy. 97 / Redmond, OR 97756

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