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I Fucking Hate SUVs
By: Takumi Fujiwara
October 8, 2005

These heavily weighted, unstable, slow, unwieldy things are a threat to those that drive them and those around them. Why anyone buys them I don't know, and most of the drivers are small, fat women or men who have a Napoleon Complex and feel the need to get their own way on the road as well as everywhere else. It disgusts me to see these big, lumbering beasts on the highway.

I drive my Mom's SUV (A Chevy Suburban) on occasion when I have nothing else to drive and it makes me want to slit my own throat and bleed to death on the overly plush leather seat. The handling is horrendous. It takes an hour for the damn thing to come to a stop and it rolls around like a ship at sea. Oh, yeah, the ride is nice and soft...right up until you corner. The whole SUV's body will roll on its axles.

Also, it's impossible to see anything. A person could easily get run over by an SUV driver because you can't see the fucking road directly in front of you. The acceleration is poor as well. Press on the gas pedal and wait, then get thrown back in your seat as the entire body of the truck jolts back under the sudden start of the acceleration.

The ridiculous amount of body roll is plainly the answer as to why so many soccer moms roll the damn things. Almost everyone in an SUV drives like they're retarded, at high speeds, cutting people off, pushing into small spaces, careening around turns. This problem could be easily solved by the boffins at GM, but instead of spending a few million to solve the problem, GM chooses to keep the configuration as it is and let their SUV's roll like sailboats in a storm.

Vehicles raised this high above the ground were meant for one thing and one thing only; to cross off road terrain. At this, most civilian SUV's fail entirely. All the chrome and plastic surrounding these ridiculous machines would break off right away, and the suspensions would be destroyed beyond repair.

SUV's are not suitable on the road or off. They are no more than large status symbols that suck up gas and terrorize pedestrians. They are a danger to all and production should be stopped, or at least the entire structure remade and recreated into a safer, better vehicle.

I would not and will not buy one of these terrible vehicular hulks in my lifetime.

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